MrW has died

[Willowkins]

My previous threads were: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting.../2887509-Im-not-OK and www.mumsnet.com/.../3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm for any one who wants to follow my story (sorry I can't do clicky links)

There are 3 things I need to mention now that my sweet, funny MrW has died: (1) I am so sad and I miss him terribly; (2) most people have been really kind but some have been downright patronising; and (3) the sheer amount of paperwork is doing my head in.

[notapizzaeater]

A year ? Hope you've found some peace today x

[echt]

All the best, Willowkins

[Willowkins]

It’s been a year since MrW died. So I’m going to bow out of this thread and maybe start a new one on the journey to healing or something like.

Before I go, I wanted to thank you all for your support during this time. Some of you have stuck with me for years during MrW’s illness and death. Thanks also to the Woolly Huggers who knitted a beautiful blanket that’s just so soft and comforting and filled with memories. I’ve got it wrapped round me now while I write this 🐑🤗

Me? I am off the Sertraline – just in time to have all these emotions rolling back in. I don’t regret the Sertraline – it helped me to get through counselling and pick up some tools along the way which will help me cope. Also, I’m due to start grief counselling when I get to the top of Cruse’s list and there is not much point in that if I can’t feel any actual grief. So it’s challenging but I believe I will get through it.

The YAWs are amazing as always. They are growing up so fast and I’m glad I have this time with them. DS is nearly an adult and so like his Dad. He is happy if he has a project to work on (currently he’s painting the bathroom). I have realised that DD is more like me. The number of times one of us will say the same thing. We think alike although of course she is a lot smarter than me. I’m beyond proud of both of them.

My plan is to go to the burial site in the morning and maybe say goodbye again. Not forever goodbye. Just say I miss him and wish he was still with us. I asked the YAWs if they wanted to come along but they both want to do their own thing. That’s fine - though of course I’m ready to give them all the support and space they need.

I feel anger and panic too - and strangely out of control. Something happened today that set off my PTSD (the timing was not great). I just want to retreat behind my fortress walls until the storm is over. I find myself rehearsing, endlessly, what will I do/say if xyz happens. It’s not doing me any good. Also, I did my own version of panic buying earlier and bought chocolate, ice-cream and doughnuts.

Tomorrow will roll on and then it’s another day and another. We have no choice but to keep going.

I wish you all the best. Stay well and be safe.
❤️

[Willowkins]

Thank you to everyone who has been asking after me. I have been struggling these last few weeks but I've been having counselling for my anxiety and I'm getting better. I have put my name down for grief counselling with Cruse as well.

I have finally (tonight) managed to put the complaint into the Financial Ombudsman about his pension. Those of you who have followed this thread will know that this has been going on since last Summer. I have struggled so much with panic attacks every time I tried to do it so was only able to do a few minutes at a time. The company really should have shown some compassion but hey ho, it's done now and I can concentrate on being a mum.

The ashes burial was a few weeks ago now but it was a lovely service with just a few of his close friends, the new vicar and me. Beautiful words were spoken - mostly about his faith and that, all through his illness, he knew where he was going - and he was so ready to go.

He hung on because he wanted to spend more time with his children - a bit more growing up time - precious time for them to be anchored in young adulthood and not the chaos of early teens.

I remember him saying sorry to me for "putting you through all this". Of course I told him not to worry about me and that I loved him and would do anything for him. But I realise now that was not what he meant. There is never any debt with the ones you love but I think he just wanted to make sure no words were left unsaid.

All this went through my mind as they poured his ashes into the ground. There was a little bit of a breeze and to be honest I think some of them escaped. He wouldn't have cared about that - if anything he would have found it deeply amusing.

He was a good husband to me, father to the YAWs, friend to his friends and he has gone home. He's really okay.

[Willowkins]

That's why I've ducked out of the other thread Nota - I feel like the spectre at the feast.
I can understand why he's angry but I don't suppose that helps you much. I remember MrW saying sorry for putting me through this because he knew it would be hard for me. And me saying: Don't worry about me I'll be fine (my friend's definition of fine is 'fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional' and that just about sums it up).
I do believe that we have this deep-seated, hidden strength and somehow we just keep going. So just hold on and don't forget to breathe.

[notapizzaeater]

All the firsts 😥.

There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. My DH is angry with himself for putting us through this - it's bloody hard !

I'm trying not to think about the afters but the thoughts creep in ....

[Willowkins]

It's been so long since I posted. And I am so sorry about that.
The Lake District was good. Food was good. We survived Christmas Day and Mr W's birthday and the New Year.
I have started counselling and am addressing my I'm-a-failure-because-I-couldn't-fix-it mentality. I've realised that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. All I could do was to care for him and make his life comfortable. And I did that.
We bury his ashes next week as per his wishes and that is the final thing I can do for him. I think after that, I'll wrap up this thread - maybe start a new one about my life as a single mum.

[notapizzaeater]

Fab. Love a good pedicure unless they tickle my feet !

Still waiting, seeing oncology Tuesday and booked in fir EBUS and bronchoscopy on Wednesday then it's 2 weeks for the results !

[Willowkins]

Hi Nota it was lovely - so beautiful and so, so much food. Driving long distances was really tiring so probably just need to adapt to being older more cars on the roads these days. I also had my first ever pedicure and I kept saying to the YWs with a slightly crazy look in my eye: feel my feet they're so soft (they refused ). How are things with you - still waiting for answers?

[notapizzaeater]

Happy new year - hope you had a good break x

[notapizzaeater]

Damson gin sounds fab ! Enjoy the break.

We've had a lovely peaceful chilled out Xmas day 🎅

[Willowkins]

Thanks nota we're on our way to the Lake District and I'm actually okay. My YWs are amazing and in spite of the long drive we're having an adventure. Also I brought damson gin.

I've been following your story on the Calm thread and really feel for everything you've been going through. On top of that you're being supportive of me and that is just awesome. Please don't forget to look after yourself because you're going to need it.

[notapizzaeater]

Just checking in x

[notapizzaeater]

I'm being efficient and taking my cards with me to hospital tomorrow to write whilst I'm waiting .....

[Willowkins]

Well you inspired me to write 2 pre-Xmas birthday cards. I'm leaving the actual Christmas cards a bit late but not sure if that really matters.

[notapizzaeater]

Glad you making plans. My mums friend takes her husbands urn everywhere with her, every holiday etc. Will be lovely in the local church.

We've got to put tree up tonight, lights are up outside - I'm on operation wrap presents at min.

[Willowkins]

That's good news Notapizzaeater. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is all you have to do

It's been good here thanks. Went to a lovely wedding, Xmas lights are up, cats are snuggling and the YWs are proper grown up all of a sudden.

This week, I take MrW to the church where he'll stay over Christmas before his ashes are buried in the New Year. Honestly, it's going to be hard to let him go but I need to do this.

[notapizzaeater]

How you doing ? Good weekend ?

We've started the treatment (nightmare) but hey ho, we doing it !

[Willowkins]

He IS worth fighting for Nota and I hope the doctors at Leeds see that. Sending you hugs and (if you don't mind) saying prayers.

[notapizzaeater]

This has just come up on my timeline on Facebook and thought it quite poignant......

Was shit news tbh. He's 6 mets to the brain so technically over the limit for gamma ray treatment but our oncologist wants him in from of the doctors at Leeds to see he's relatively young and still functioning ,,,,, his lung cancer has started progressing and he has some new little tumours coming. This will most probably be our last Xmas together 🤬🤬😥😥😥

[Willowkins]

I'm so sorry to hear that Nota. I think you must be exhausted with all this going on and I wish I could come round to help you clean your bathroom. I hope the hospital had positive news for you (PM me if you need to offload).

We are going to have the bathrooms done yes and going to the showroom tomorrow hoping the quote is not too ridiculous. It's one of those things MrW and I were planning to do but had to put on the back burner because he wouldn't have been able to cope with the building works. My en suite will be first as it is in the worst state and the YWs need time to decide (are arguing about) what they want in the Family Bathroom.

[notapizzaeater]

Glad you're making progress. There's no time limit on grief and it catches you out.

Life's a bit shit here at min, DH has now got brain mets. We at hospital this morning so hopefully find out more.

Are you getting the bathrooms done ?

My DS had norovirus over the weekend and projectile vomited everywhere and I mean everywhere which has forced me to do loads of scrubbing and sorting ....

[Willowkins]

Thanks nota. I haven't checked in on the other thread for a while so hope all okay with you.
I am managing to beat the anxiety. I don't know why it has changed (prayer, more oestrogen, time) but I am managing to get past it for the first time in ages.
For example, the bedroom is pretty much clear. How did I do that? I booked a guy to give me a quote for a new ensuite and family bathroom and the shame of what he'd think when he saw my bedroom outweighed the panic of actually sorting stuff out. Whatever works.
Second example, in the middle of a church service today, I realised that my eternity ring was not on my finger. I sternly told myself, no need to panic, it's probably fallen off (as too big for my finger now I have lost weight). I found it in my bedroom when I got home (thank God I had tidied up!)
Had a little cry a couple of times over the weekend. It's been six months and the more I get done, the more time I have to feel. It's okay. It's good to grieve properly.
I have a lot of support.
I hand over MrW's ashes to the church in a couple of weeks. That's the next milestone.

[notapizzaeater]

You are a better person. How lovely of mrW - what a lovely memory for you.

My DS takes magnesium and zinc for anxiety - might help ?

[Willowkins]

Yesterday was stressy. Mainly due to idiot drivers my lack of patience. My anxiety steadily grew throughout the day. I was forgetful and just couldn't solve problems like I normally could. I have referred myself for counselling as I clearly need it.
I had booked a table at the local curry house as a pre birthday treat for DD. This was a place that MrW loved and he was super friendly with the owners (but didn't want to tell them that he was ill). So in we go and it's busy but having a lovely meal as usual. About half way through, they come to check everything's okay and then comes the question I had been dreading: How's your other half? You know how you want to break it to people gently? But there was no getting round this. I explained he had been living with cancer and he had died 6 months ago. They were clearly shocked. They went away, had a chat and then said how he had wanted to pay for a homeless guy to have a meal and that he was such a good guy. They refused to let me pay.
I want to be a better person.