MrW has died

[Willowkins]

My previous threads were: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting.../2887509-Im-not-OK and www.mumsnet.com/.../3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm for any one who wants to follow my story (sorry I can't do clicky links)

There are 3 things I need to mention now that my sweet, funny MrW has died: (1) I am so sad and I miss him terribly; (2) most people have been really kind but some have been downright patronising; and (3) the sheer amount of paperwork is doing my head in.

Hmm I'm not sure on the presents tbh, I dont have anything to do with in laws and hubby has very limited contact but guilt will probably make me !

I put the MOT on my calendar as a birthday to make sure I don't forget.

Thanks nota. Always good to hear from you. How are things?

I'll probably carry on with presents this year on the grounds that it's less drama and negativity.

I now have the next dates for the car tax (March) and MOT (Sept) on my phone calendar. I am not sure when it's due to be serviced but I think around about April. I just realised I have left the MOT cert in the car and it would probably be a good idea to keep it somewhere safe so I can find it again for when I tax the car in 5 months time! Insurance probably due in April as well. I think I'm getting this.

I'm treading water 💦 - thought was doing ok but DS had an issue at college with some horrible bullies this week (now hopefully sorted) but a neighbour saw me yesterday who had just found out and grabbed me on the drive to say I can pop in any time and gave me a hug and I burst into tears - so not doing as well as I think !

You don't need the mot/insurance to tax the car if you do it online. I pay for mine monthly and it's all automatic. My car doesn't do many miles - we use the family car for just about anything so I only get mine serviced the same time as the MOT.

DH is slowly sorting cupboards etc out and going through them chucking/recycling stuff and making plans. He's still in total denial and is talking about things 5 yrs plus, it's really hard as I don't want to burst his bubble but equally I'm finding it upsetting (although I never show him this)

I understand how difficult that is nota and I am so sorry you are going through this
We pour ourselves out for the ones we love and sometimes find nothing at the bottom of the jug when we need it the most. I hope you are giving yourself treats and you-time to keep that jug topped up. I know that's very hard to do when time with DH is so precious

I sorted out the presents for the not-quite-ex-in-laws. I decided in the end it was not about them and their behaviour but me and mine - and going forward I want to be a better person. So it's done. Nothing more to think about.

What's left to organise: my complaint to the Financial Ombudsman about the pension sold to MrW which turned out to be worth less than what he paid in; and set up a new savings account. Everything else is pretty much done. It feels good to be moving from the 'lots to do' phase.

My tyre blew out in the week. I was shaken but no-one was hurt, which is the main thing. In the old days, I would have called MrW and he would have said: What did you do? And then he would have come and sorted it out for me. He would have sat me in the nearest café and bought me a cup of tea and made sure I was all right. He would have Known What To Do and done it. Life would have gone on. Instead I had this steep, lonely learning curve. Because I miss him. And this reminded me that he was my rock and I don't have my rock any more. I have to be my own rock and I am learning but it feels hollow.

Okay then, to end on a positive note, I was in the winning quiz team yesterday and, thanks to my freakish knowledge of completely useless information, took home a bottle of nice wine. It's little things like this that bring sparks of light in dark places.

(((Hugs)))

I totally get the rock thing, my DH does so much little stuff that he's slowly showing me how to do which is upsetting but it's the ' blow outs' that he can't show me. And every now and then I wake up in a panic about how I'm going to do it all on my own. And I know people do but we've always been a team.

On a positive note I've been after a log burner for years and last Xmas DH bought me a cast iron kettle and a bag of logs for it. I'd been putting it off as wasn't sure if I wanted the hassle and the extra work/stress/danger etc but DH really wants to do it, so we've been today and ordered one to be installed in 6 weeks.

Super news about the log burner. I'm glad you didn't put it off any longer and you'll be able to enjoy it together. I remember the luxury of getting a coffee machine (I mean, how hard is it to make coffee that you need a machine to make it for you?) but we got a lot of pleasure out of it. The only time is now

Your cat is fab.

I totally get the stuff that your DH did. A couple of weekends ago DS11 and me worked out how the ride on mower worked and he did a grand effort at mowing the lawn. I have managed to sell his car, changed broadband providers and other things which I am proud of achieving. My friend cam found an cooked Sunday lunch for us last week and it was really nice having an adult in the house at the weekend which I miss.

You're doing amazingly well Five.

Our DHs were forces of nature - making things happen, understanding the incomprehensible and quietly taking care of their families.

Glad you have real life support. I completely get about having another adult to talk to.

As for the fat cat, she's currently sitting on my foot which is stopping me from getting to the gin cute.

Your fat cat is gorgeous! Give her a belly rub for me - I bet it's lovely and soft.

My friend went through a similar experience to you about 7 years ago. She's now retired, and their children are getting married. So many bitter-sweet things she keeps coming across. Her way of coping is travel - she spends a lot of time backpacking, doing remote areas of countries they never managed to get to. She also volunteers at an immigration detention centre (in the UK) where women are held awaiting immigration outcomes - she's a strong woman, but my goodness she's been through a lot.

And so have you. Keep moving, one step at a time - even if you take a few steps back now and again. Your kids sound fantastic.

I did it TD. I rubbed her tummy and she gave a little chirrup - which is her way of saying: I'll let you rub my tummy just this once but don't get too used to it

This week was our wedding anniversary and my birthday. Two more 'firsts' ticked off the list.

I try to offset the awfulness and pain with treats and jollies - but that didn't work this week. In true MN-fashion, I booked a spa but it was cancelled the night before; and I took the YWs (who have been lovely by the way) out for a posh meal but the food was awful. I wish I had laughed instead of being cross.

Also, one of my cats (who will forever be known as Blanket on MN) was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism this week (she started her medication today) and it looks like my other cat (Fatcat) might have a UTI. I have been trying to decide whether to take Fatcat to the out-of-hours vet but she's not in any pain so I'll see how she is in the morning.

I realise many people have worse problems. It just seems like, every time I think I am turning a corner, something comes along to drag me back down. Some of this is hormonal and I am hopefully going to get my HRT sorted out in a few weeks. Also, I do believe things will get better.

There is a song which says: Light up, light up as if you have a choice... and that's going to be my new coping strategy. That and more gin

💐🍸

Gin works .....

Each time you're hitting a bump you are coping and learning x

And here is another bump. I was expecting this one. Mr W pre-ordered a book by my favourite author for my birthday. It arrived today. He knew me and loved me anyway. I loved him and miss him so much.

Was it Jack Reacher?

time Yes!

How you doing @Willowkins x

Hi *nota" thank you so much for asking. I'm getting through it. There are a couple of big things I need to do. They are things that are dragging me down and I know I'll feel better when they're done but I don't have the energy to start. Also, two people this week have said I might meet someone else. No. Just no.

Anyway, how are you and yours? I was glad to see on the other thread that you've gone part-time at work. Time with your DH (however long it is and I hope it's lots) cannot be taken for granted.

Hi Willow, very inappropriate of people to suggest you meet someone soon, what are the things you need to do?

It was our wedding anniversary a few days ago so the first of the firsts. I took the children away on holiday. I got brave and picked up DHs ashes before we went so he is now home

Take care of yourself

Willowkins, bless you and thank you for that marvellous opening post.

Hello "Five". That took courage. Well done.

The two things are: (1) I still need to put in the complaint to the Financial Ombudsman; and (2) my our bedroom Is A Mess. and I can't begin to describe how awful it is.

Thank you blue. Being able to write my thoughts down on MN and hearing from others has helped to keep me sane through all this.

I understand Willowkins, I was widowed in July this year.

The paperwork is endless. Apart from anything else. My bedroom is a mess too :-).

I'm so sorry to hear that blue . Feel free to share on here if that helps you.

It is kind of heartwarming to know your bedroom is also a mess.