MrW has died

[Willowkins]

My previous threads were: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting.../2887509-Im-not-OK and www.mumsnet.com/.../3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm for any one who wants to follow my story (sorry I can't do clicky links)

There are 3 things I need to mention now that my sweet, funny MrW has died: (1) I am so sad and I miss him terribly; (2) most people have been really kind but some have been downright patronising; and (3) the sheer amount of paperwork is doing my head in.

It is early days and you do need to find or reinvent 'you'

In all this 'you' came way down the pecking order, but you really need to take care of yourself and put yourself first sometimes. have you spoken to the Doctors about the sleeping and depression ? Can you get support/counselling etc from somewhere ? Our hospice offer it here.

Okay, a bit of a moan, but it turns out that I am a dinosaur. I thought I had sorted out Virgin Mobile at the same time that I sorted out Virgin Media. I mean, why are they even two separate things? I am so lucky to have a 17-year old in the house who can explain it to me. Anyway, I can't just take over MrW's account apparently (covering all 4 mobile phones by the way). I need to start a new one. And now all the data we had built up has gone. Is it just me that thinks that's unfair? Underlying all this of course is my terror that I'll lose the last texts and phone message history and recording of his voice that I have on my phone. Silly I know. And, as my DS explained, all that stuff is not stored on the SIM (What? I'll need a new SIM? And round I go again). One good thing is that I have realised is that it's unfair of me to rely on others and so ... I am going to learn about new tech. New me.

My DH day job is IT so he's historically done all that - he's been changing all the passwords, updating everything. Nothing is simple in our house, everything is on a network. Installed ring cameras and door bell so we are 'safer' and trying to explain to me what he's doing as he does it. I dread this side of life, Ive not had to deal with it for 28 years ! Paperwork, pensions etc - fine I've always done that. Technology - pah !

Can you make copies of all the texts / voice stuff ?

We had someone on our local Facebook group last week that had lost an ashes to jewellery necklace. I was horrified for her 😭. It must be like loosing them all again. I hate tattoos but someone told me about having a little bit of their ashes mixed into the ink, at least you couldn't loose that!

I hardly slept last night but it all turned out fine. Turns out I can learn new stuff which is hugely reassuring. So we are the proud owners of 3 shiny new SIM-only-pay-monthly-plans and one SIM-only-Pay-As-You-Go (which confused the guy until I explained why MrW wouldn't be needing unlimited texts etc).

Now, do I want a tattoo? Still finding myself.

The sim only pay as you go might need using every few months or you might loose the stuff - just check.

I hate hate hate tattoos but would consider one for this reason only .....

Glad you slept better. I make some fab body butter with essential oils in to help sleep if you'd like me to send you some?

That's worth knowing thanks. The guy said it would be deactivated if not topped up/used but I hadn't made that connection. I HAVE sleep inducing body butter. It would probably help if I used it

I have booked a few days away at a hotel over Christmas - not just to dodge what will be a sad time for us but also to pre-empt a pity invite from friends and relatives. And we're going somewhere likely to have snow so YWs are happy. It also prevents a trip to A&E because I can't cook a chicken let alone a turkey MrW cooked all the Christmas dinners and absolutely loved it. I'll learn for NEXT year.

All the learning.

You're doing a grand job lass at what is a shit time.

You are doing an amazing job, never be hard on yourself. Loosing who you are is a common problem, I haven't a clue. Try new things, throw caution to the wind. Excellent Christmas choice, considering it myself

You are all amazing and I hope you all know that. I never expect anyone to answer me (I feel very undeserving). But you keep coming up with the encouragement. Thanks.

I have done my induction at the gym and the instructor very kindly said that he had given me a longer list of exercises than he expected. At first I thought: Oh dear I must need it because I am very unfit. Then I thought: Maybe he was expecting 58-year old me to less fit than I actually am.

Anyway, I am doing this once a week for the rest of my life now. My first goal is to be able to pedal on the sit along bike without my knees hitting my stomach

Hope you don't mind me posting but want to say how brilliantly you are doing Willowkins.

The Christmas trip sounds lovely; hopefully there will be snow for the young 'uns. 🙂

Good on you for getting to the gym lass! Sounds like you are fitter then you thought.

It's been another week gone by and I made it to church for the first time in ages. I was really anxious for no particular reason that people would hug me so I just wanted to hide at the back and not be noticed. The vicar comes up during the songs and gave me a hug. Of course we had the peace when everyone goes round hugging everyone else. I can't explain why but I had to step out for a bit. Came back and then it's communion and people are wandering around again (arms outstretched in my direction). I didn't stay for the after service coffee. And it's not just the anxiety. Church was a big part of the life MrW and I shared together. Naturally it's a place that brings back memories. Is it wrong that I just want to grieve on my own for a bit? And how do I do that without offending people who are actually being really lovely and kind?

Hi Willowkins

This has pooped up in active threads. How are you doing?

I've read, lurking, Willowkins but I think I can answer the church one. One of the most wonderful men in our church died suddenly, a few years ago. It was shocking and awful, for everyone but, of course, most of all his family.

He and his wife had been central figures in our church for years. But, part of her healing process involved getting involved in a hobby that happens on a Sunday morning. I think church was a huge thing to deal with and this is a good distraction.

That wonderful lady is still very much part of our church, although she doesn't attend meetings right now. She does go to her weekly home group, but nobody thinks anything about the fact that right now, church is hard.

Thanks both for responding.

I think it particularly appropriate Five that my post pooped up I am mostly coping okay and getting on with putting the house to rights. I just have a wobble every now and then. How are you?

I am still involved in the church on other levels Lougie - I'm on the PCC and also heavily involved in fund raising. I've also been carrying on with helping at Messy Church. It's just that I need to focus my attention on my spiritual and emotional well-being on a Sunday morning. I think the answer is to go to a church where we are not known for a while.

I think there's a difference between your grief and other people's grief for you. They need to do their grieving without putting that on you, or you get into a situation where you are supporting them, which is wrong on every level.

Yes Lougie you get it. They want to make me feel better so I put on a brave face to make them feel better. But I don't want to feel better. I don't want to bury my pain. I want to feel it.

Be blunt, be real. You don't feel better, you won't 'move on'. Life will keep moving, but you don't want to get to a place where MrW's death is just a sad memory. You still love him and would give anything to have him back. That's ok.

You don't have to feel 'better' to come to a place of peace with the situation. Peace and sadness can live together quite well.

Well I am not going to church this week so that's fine. Reason is I have had a really busy, stressful week and I am tired. I think this is when being a single mum has really hit home. It's not that I now do everything - to be honest, I am less busy now that I am not caring for MrW 24-7 and the YWs do help. It's that I don't have anyone to talk things over with on a daily basis. Like, where's the water meter? MrW would definitely have known. And how do I make a decision about home insurance. I'm ashamed to say, I left all that to MrW. On the other hand, I find that I can do these things. And if I make a mistake, then okay I won't beat myself up about it.

Incidentally, the reason I wanted to find the water meter was that I got a letter saying our water usage had increased significantly in the last 6 months. I rang them up to ask how this was possible as we have one less people in the house. Hence my searching for the meter. Turns out the reason I couldn't find it is because it's broken/missing/buried in dirt. A replacement is now on its way. Meanwhile, I can only assume someone/the computer just made that high reading up. Be warned.

And the insurance had gone up so I phoned up and questioned it to be told repeatedly that this was the best deal and it was because claims had gone up in the area. But when I looked at the insurance, it included things we didn't need like landlord insurance. I mean really? I've gone elsewhere and I think I have got it right (the cover includes all the usual plus legal cover which we didn't have before and is £200 cheaper) but it just goes to show, these companies do not have your best interests at heart. Beware.

Too right, Willowkins, my DH did all the money and three years later I still have to be on my toes.

Not much to report - a couple of wins: the fat cat is finally losing weight and the dentist is much happier with the amount of brushing my DS is doing.

Meanwhile, I have been thinking about whether to get Christmas presents for the XPILs. All of the advice I have had from friends and family is: don't get sucked back in. They were mean to MrW and that makes me cross but he had forgiven them and I feel sorry for them. Hmm. What is the right thing to do?

Here is a pic of the fat cat for all the litter tray lurkers

Oh and my car passed its MOT with no advisories. I keep getting MOTs and car services mixed up though so the man looked very confused when I went in saying I'd brought my car for a service. Yet another thing that MrW took care of for me and I am learning.