MrW has died

[Willowkins]

My previous threads were: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting.../2887509-Im-not-OK and www.mumsnet.com/.../3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm for any one who wants to follow my story (sorry I can't do clicky links)

There are 3 things I need to mention now that my sweet, funny MrW has died: (1) I am so sad and I miss him terribly; (2) most people have been really kind but some have been downright patronising; and (3) the sheer amount of paperwork is doing my head in.

[Emmapeeler]

I am new to this part of MN but I am so very sorry for your loss Willow. MrW sounds like a wonderful man. You described him with so much love.

[echt]

How are things with you, Willowkins?

The post-funeral part of bereavement can be a bit strange. Anti-climactic is too strong, but after my DH's tip-top funeral I was simultaneously elated and then now what?

[Willowkins]

Hi echt funnily enough I was going to post today. I can't believe it has been a week but things have sort of returned to normal. I'm back at work, YWs still at college/school. Paperwork pretty much done. Except I realised yesterday that, after 3 long years, MrW doesn't need me any more. Every so often, I remember he's not there and he's not coming back and it feels like there is a space where my lungs used to be. He was a part of me like breathing. Just taking it one day at a time.

[StVincent]

Just came on to second the recommendation for Cruse for your daughter. My friend found them really helpful when her sister died - we were all still at school.

[StVincent]

And also to say you are a marvellous writer. The picture you draw of your family (including MrW) is beautiful and I’m so sorry that his has happened to you all.

Glad your friends and church are helping. I don’t know how comfortable you’d be with this but I think sometimes telling your friends/sister what you’d like them to do (eg check in every few days) can be so helpful. You get the support you want and need, and they get to help.

[Willowkins]

That's nice to know StVincent thanks.

I can't sleep.
Firstly, I woke up and for a brief moment couldn't remember where MrW was. I had to think really hard before it came to me. Then of course I felt sad all over again.
I watched a Star is Born and that last song where she's at Jack's tribute concert really got to me as well.
Finally, one of MrW's pension providers is suggesting they simply pay back the premiums he paid in without interest - oh and can I sign this form quickly please. I don't think that's right but I'm just too tired to make sense of it now.
Right, now I've got that lot down perhaps I can get back to sleep 💤

[echt]

Finally, one of MrW's pension providers is suggesting they simply pay back the premiums he paid in without interest - oh and can I sign this form quickly please

Don't. They're doing this because it is to their advantage not yours. It is likely it will release them from continuing annual/quarterly payments to you and/or your children. Reply asap and ask for all provisions that are on the pension, for you and our children; lump sum and continuing payments. This will slow them down and give you more information.

I had shitloads to do with my DH's pensions and no-one ever said this. To be fair all his pensions were local government so watertight.

[Chasingsquirrels]

Sounds really odd, unless it's a contribution that has gone out of your joint account to then post death and they are just returning that bit?

[Willowkins]

I think they are trying it on too. It doesn't make sense that they would get to keep all the money they have invested on his behalf. In very small print they talk about a reasonable annuity but only based on the payments in not the pension pot. I'll ask them for that word for word echt thanks. Also the words 'mis sold pension' spring to mind.

[Willowkins]

Thanks to everyone who posted or messaged with advice on the pensions thing. I posted a letter to the complaints department today so hopefully that will dislodge something (hopefully a bit of common decency). Meanwhile, another company is sending a bit extra that I wasn't expecting so go figure. I am now getting some proper financial advice.

Meanwhile, we have our boarding passes so pretty much set for our holiday. We need this time away together so much.

I met someone yesterday who knew MrW and told me how much he had comforted her when her DH was ill with cancer and then died. I never even knew. He just went about doing this stuff quietly without any fuss and no expectation of reward or recognition.

[notapizzaeater]

Was it a new pension ? If he'd only made a few payments I can see why they would offer it but you'd be better trying to get the benefits.

Have a great holiday x

[foreverhanging]

I'm sorry for your loss willow

[Willowkins]

He'd paid in for over 20 years notapizza so what they offered was less than the value of what he'd paid in when you take inflation into account. I suspect they were hoping I would be clueless and just go along with it. However, in my mind, they were taking advantage of a young man in his 20s and that's what makes me cross.

[echt]

Some pensions pay out for children until 23. Check it.

Don't forget your widow's benefit which must be applied for within 18 months.

[echt]

That should be 23 and in full-time education.

[Willowkins]

Thanks echt we'll see what my letter to the complaints department shakes loose (part of my complaint was not being given enough information to make a decision).
I am getting Bereavement Support Payment from DWP (is that what you meant by widows benefit?)

Meanwhile, super proud of my DS who went for an interview to be an apprentice today. This would have made MrW so happy

[echt]

Yes, I think BSP is the new terminology.

Good on your DS.

[Rachelover40]

I'm very sorry Willowkins. It's so hard, isn't it?

[Willowkins]

We have had a lovely break away. It was the first proper holiday we have had in years and I was so glad to be able to take the YWs to be normal for a change. They both seem to be coping well but of course I am keeping an eye on them.
The cats on the other hand keep snuggling up to me which is really very sweet but a bit like having two furry hot water bottles. I will appreciate it more in the Winter.
I have done a budget and we're going to be okay financially. Obviously I would rather have MrW than the money but he would be glad to know that all his planning means that I don't have to go back to work full-time and can spend as much time with the YWs as they need.
And now a question: I spent my life doing stuff - education, working and being a carer pretty much in that order. I don't know who I am now. I actually googled: Who am I? and the best answer was that I had not asked the right question and what I should really be asking is: how do I want to experience life from now on? I have had some more counselling and focussing on my health seems to be the logical next step so I have joined a gym. I'm at a bit of a loss though. It's like my very purpose has been called into question. I'm okay taking some time to work through this but it feels a bit odd not to have a plan for the future.

[cricketmum84]

Really glad you had a great break away @Willowkins

I think I would feel the same in your situation. My life very much revolves around Mr Cricket and I'm not sure how I would cope if I lost him.

You seem to be holding it together admirably.

So so sorry for your loss x

[notapizzaeater]

Glad you had a lovely break 😍

It's hard because your identity / almost purpose was so entwined.

[Teawaster]

I posted some time ago about how my DH died in 2017 , leaving me with my 2 boys then nearly 16. Your posts resonate with me . After he died I threw myself into doing the house up as it was badly in need of attention . I think people thought I was doing it too early but I really needed to do it and I think it helped me hugely with the grieving process. After that was finished I felt I needed to do something for myself , even though I was back at work and looking after 2 boys.I had always been a jogger but apart from the Park run I had never completed in raves. Anyway I joined our local running club and it has really been amazing in terms of meeting new friends and giving me s focus and sense of pride .i compete in lots of 10k' s , half marathons and did a full marathon earlier this year. I know it's not for everyone but I have to say I under estimated the power of being part of a group of people all doing the same thing. I had never ever been a club type person .
I read your posts quite regularly and think you are doing amazingly well and write beautifully about MrW .

[Teawaster]

Races not raves !

[echt]

Like Teawaster, I got into the doing up of the house, something that had never been top of the list when DH was alive. He died three years ago. As long as the garden and veggie patch looked good, going on holidays overseas and going to gigs was his preferred use of spare money. The house now has lovely hardwood floors throughout and I'm in the bit of "house" work of maintenance; essential uninteresting and expensive.

I think I spend too much time working and am going part-time next year for the first time ever. Still not taken the overseas holiday. I used to do it solo all the time, but 25 years with DH, and of course being older, has taken that edge away. Maybe I too need to join something, not being natural clubbable as they used to say.

[Willowkins]

Another week goes by. Another week in which I am reminded that MrW is not coming home. Of course it’s obvious he’s not going to be walking through the front door anytime soon (ever). I have him in a box on the bedside table. But still, it doesn’t seem real.

I’ve been busy though. Meeting up with friends and family. Turning my attention to the YWs' needs. More papers sorted and filed. I have been taking MrW’s clothes and shoes to the charity recycling bank. Not all of them but I have made a start. And that’s where I found more paperwork - buried under some old work shirts. It never ends.

I’m not looking after myself if I’m honest. I have not been taking my medication. That needs to change. I have booked myself in to start at the gym this week. I need to focus on my health. I think I might be a bit depressed. Everything seems to be too much. Making decisions is especially hard. I’m not sleeping.

And the big question: Who am I? I now realise that I have spent a lifetime trying to live up to other people’s expectations. What would make me happy? Other people being happy. Anything else? Having a nicer view than a block of flats out of my bedroom window. It’s early days.