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Bereavement

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Original poster

MrW has died

211 replies

Willowkins · 02/06/2019 23:44

My previous threads were: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting.../2887509-Im-not-OK and www.mumsnet.com/.../3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm for any one who wants to follow my story (sorry I can't do clicky links)

There are 3 things I need to mention now that my sweet, funny MrW has died: (1) I am so sad and I miss him terribly; (2) most people have been really kind but some have been downright patronising; and (3) the sheer amount of paperwork is doing my head in.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 22/06/2019 12:10

You're only human and people will understand.

I currently count everyday where I don't cry a bonus 😍

Chasingsquirrels · 22/06/2019 17:35

Hope the Fayre has gone well Willowkins, I expect that lots of people have spoken to you and despite my mini-rant about braveness actually it's nice that they comment because at least they care, and to be fair lots of times it just means they haven't had to go through this particular shit in their lives yet, and I'm glad about that because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Original poster
Willowkins · 22/06/2019 19:58

Well it was fine. I got LOTS of hugs and I realised that I BELONG to this community. Also, a lot of our friends have lost their husbands and one wife. The path I tread is one that others have trodden before me and OMG they do understand. I'm still a bit twitchy about the How are the kids? question but I think I have developed a little head tilt and philosophical squint which means I don't have to answer.
And now a little story: Two friends, who were on holiday in another country on the day of the funeral, were back today and told me they had found a lovely little church in which to mark the occasion. Apparently there was a loud thunderclap at the very moment the funeral started. It's like heaven was speaking.

OP posts:
babbi · 22/06/2019 20:08

Aww that’s lovely and I’m so glad the day went as well for you as it could ...
I’m so pleased you have people nearby who understand how difficult things are xx

Well done you for taking the brave step to go out xxx

FiveGoMadInDorset · 22/06/2019 20:25

Hi willowkins sorry just catching up, the service sounded beautiful and I am so glad you are surrounded and part of a wonderful community Flowers

HavelockVetinari · 22/06/2019 20:28

MrW sounds brilliant (I love old churches)! I'm glad you had the time you had together, and am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

echt · 23/06/2019 04:21

What lovely synchronicity with your friends' remembrance, Willowkins.

I completely get both the head tilt in the face of unanswerable questions and the the satisfaction in the ordinary; the mop, the managed shelf. The former limitless, the latter achievable, done.

As suggested by babbi, do update when you feel and want to. I did this on MN when my lovely DH died, and while relevance to the wider community naturally declines over time, there's a record of what lovely MNers said that you can print and keep. I treasure mine. Smile

Thanks
Original poster
Willowkins · 23/06/2019 20:59

What a lovely idea echt. My first post was in 90-day so I lost that one but MN people have been a part of my journey for nearly 3 years, graciously sharing their stories and allowing me to witter on say what I truly feel.

OP posts:
Frikonastick · 26/06/2019 10:05

How are you willow?

Original poster
Willowkins · 27/06/2019 14:41

That's so kind of you to ask Frik. I'm doing okay thanks.

I brought his ashes home from the funeral director's today. So weird to think he's in a box beside me. Except he's not. Oh well.
Also went to our old church to get a certified copy of our marriage certificate because I didn't want to have to send off the original. This means I no longer have an excuse for not completing more forms.
Meanwhile I go back to work properly next week. They have been really good to me but those spreadsheets and databases won't complete themselves and it's the sort of routine I'm craving at the moment.
Finally, the YWs and I are going on holiday and we're going abroad for the first time in years (thank goodness Brexit hasn't quite happened yet). I booked having totally forgotten the cats Blush Fortunately our lovely cattery lady found a way to fit us in. I think I really need some time away.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 27/06/2019 16:11

Going back to work really helped me Willowkins, I swerved some of the more mind-taxing stuff at the beginning but most of my job I can just do and was able to lose myself in it for the time I was there.

And a holiday sounds lovely, we did an all inclusive week the first summer and it was good to get some relaxing down time together.

Original poster
Willowkins · 27/06/2019 19:15

Yes squirrel it's all inclusive and there is a beach, swimming pools and WiFi. We won't have to do anything except relax and recuperate.

OP posts:
Frikonastick · 28/06/2019 10:35

Grin I may have done the same with the dog! Luckily a friend is going to house sit so we are saved, your holiday plans sound perfect

babbi · 29/06/2019 01:25

I hope you have a fantastic time away .
Just a break to physically rest and regain some energy that has been drained from you over the last wee while will help a bit in the road ahead .

Work will also help a little in that it will give a bit of structure and focus .
Good luck with settling back in and remember to cut yourself some slack .
Sometimes your mind will wander off ...

Please take care of yourself and remember whilst you are grieving sorely ... you are indeed a remarkable woman ..pushing yourself through a rotten situation... an example to your DC
I look forward to hearing how your return to work and holiday went ..xxx

Original poster
Willowkins · 02/07/2019 20:29

Thanks babbi something tells me you have been through this or similar.
I went back yesterday. I was really nauseous but managed to carry on (no temperature so probably just nerves not infection). Today was better.
My DS is throwing himself into odd jobs round the house (and has fixed my wobbly toilet roll holder Smile)
My DD is getting overly anxious but does not want to talk to anyone. I think I will need to intervene if it gets worse. Anyone got any advice on dealing with bereaved teens?

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 02/07/2019 20:41

I've heard mixed reviews of various counselling sevices for teens, maybe ask your GP to signpost, or if you have access to any cancer support services you might find something there.
And think about yourself as well.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/07/2019 20:52

My DS is finding some solace in work - he goes and chucks stuff around and takes his anger and grief out on inanimate objects. I took him to the doctors early on because he thought he was depressed, but the GP said it's just grief. I don't know what to do with him a lot of the time. He's grumpy, non communicative, sarcastic and impatient. But he's also very protective of me, and will go out of his way to do things his dad used to, like take the bins out, pick me up from the station after work, go shopping - all the stuff you don't want your 19 year old to see as his job. It is really difficult to be honest.

babbi · 03/07/2019 03:12

Glad you have the first couple of days under your belt ...Little steps and all that .

It’s good your DS is keeping himself busy too ... it’s whats recommended for adults ( ensuring appropriate rest and not overdoing it of course ) I think this can equally apply for younger people too ...a bit of focus and structure and a sense of achievement. It lifts the spirit a little.

Re your DD ... it’s very difficult.
I think counsellors can assist but it’s a question of finding one who is a good fit for her .
We are all individuals and deal with things in a different way. She’s young it’s challenging to talk about her feelings as in a lot of ways she can’t make sense of them herself far less articulate them to others .
I do sympathise .. it’s a difficult one .
Is there another adult ( family or close friend) she could “ casually ie you engineer it “ spend time with ?
She could then talk to them .. even the odd wee phrase or sentence emitting from her can be therapeutic... again baby steps .
She may not wish to talk to you for fear of upsetting you and may try to follow your lead ie be strong ....

Take care and remember we are here to listen should you need it x

notapizzaeater · 03/07/2019 15:19

Our local hospice has a family counsellor - maybe check yours out ?

Original poster
Willowkins · 05/07/2019 09:53

Thanks all. This is not something I can fix in one go is it? It's going to take time. I just spoke to the Hospice counsellor (good call notapizzaeater) and she gave me lots of help and advice.

I think it's also time to take the cards down. We had over 70! (and I found them very comforting to think MrW was so well thought of) but now maybe it's time to move on.

I hate that phrase by the way. Moving on implies being stuck in some way and deserving of pity. I absolutely don't want pity. Moving forward is maybe a better way of putting it. We all move forward all the time but I decided to stay and reflect on my life with MrW for a little while because it was important and it mattered. Now the future beckons. It's time to look forward Sad

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 05/07/2019 09:58

I hate "move on" as well Willowkins, much prefer carry on, move forward, keep going.
Oh the cards, it's all so hard isn't it. When I took John's down I put them in a box on a bookshelf, and they are still there.

And no, it isn't something that you will fix in one go {big hug}.

MrsAitch13 · 05/07/2019 10:32

@Willowkins you may find this helpful. www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it/up-next

I think it should be compulsory viewing for all friends and family x

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/07/2019 12:51

I liked that TED talk too, it really spoke to me. I found a really useful graphic about grief being a whirlpool and life growing around grief, so your life gets bigger so you feel the impact of the grief is more cushioned. I can't find it now but I think it's on the Bereavement Trust site.

CloudPop · 05/07/2019 13:43

The Cruse bereavement service was invaluable for my husband and his mother when their sister/daughter died in a car accident.

SunshineCake · 05/07/2019 19:32

I've never seen any of your posts, Willowkins, but your post on how you whispered "don't go" brought me to tears. I'm so very sorry for your lossFlowers.