Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Spider try not to look to far forward for now, it can be too upsetting. Just get through a day at a time, eventually a week etc. Things will improve but it's not something that has a time, you will mend at your own pace.

I wonder if anyone can help me. My mum has recently had a diagnosis with a prognosis of weeks. She’s getting weaker and weaker and in so much pain.

I’m really struggling.

I’m also pregnant. Have a young son. And my husband lives away in the week. I also work full time and we’re trying to move house (I’m doing all the arranging/planning)

I feel like I’m sinking. I coped until Christmas (I hosted for my parents and in-laws). And now I can’t stop crying.

My husband thinks I need to get over it (he lost his brother at 23). I can’t. I don’t know how.

Help.

Sinky first of all your dh needs to step up and help you through this. You have such a lot to cope with and expecting another baby too.
I am sorry to see about you poor mum. You need to speak to your midwife or doctor and tell that you are finding everything too much to cope with. I too lost a sister who was 26 but I would not dream of telling anyone to " get over it " . That is shocking . Please tell someone, it's too much for you to deal with.
There is always someone on here if you need to chat, moan anything.
Take care of yourself and don't overdo things.💐

Sinky that's awful. You really need and help and support (practical and emotional) from literally any source you can get it. Plus shortcuts everywhere with your ds and not feeling guilty about any of them. This is survival mode now. My heart goes out to you, I have very young children and dealing with my mum dying and balancing the needs of everyone was very hard.
I made it through the funeral last week. I'm weirdly coping ok but terrible dreams and my mum is on my mind constantly.
One question, when people say 'take time to grieve' what does this mean? I try not to suppress my feelings but with young kids you kind of have to 'get on with it' too.

SinkyMalinks I am so sorry. You have an unimaginable load on your shoulders and in your heart right now. You will somehow get through everything.
Thinking practically - ‘trying to move house’ depending on where you are in the process this may be the least important and/or the most easily delayed right now.
Work - have you spoken to them and is there any possibility of carers/dependants leave, annual leave, unpaid leave, reduced hours short term or some mix of those which can help ? Your and your mums gps should be able to help with evidence to support any such application if this is possible.
Son and pregnancy - is there a friend or sibling who can really step up and help out very practically particularly during the week when your husband is away ?
Husband even if he has said something which indicates he thinks you should ‘get over it’ that could have come through his own panic about how much is going on right now. Can he take leave of some sort now or be home based over the next few weeks ? It will help you both I would think if you tell him how you are feeling and that you need help right now. If he doesn’t understand the emotional help you need he must surely understand the practical help you need.
When it comes right down to it the most important thing as well as your sons welfare and your own mental and physical help is that your mum is supported by family and that you do what you can for her.
I am so sorry but again remember you will get through this.

Thank you for the kind words. I don’t really know what to do. My husband is so angry at me. My mum wants to chat on the phone but I keep crying and don’t want to worry her

I’m sorry. It’s all just come to a head tonight. Friends know bits but I can’t face trying to explain everything and they’re mutual so talking would likely lead to more arguements. I know no one can really help. But thank you for letting me off load a little.

I don’t understand why my husband doesn’t understand. When my mum was first diagnosed (at the start of dec), I ended up incoherently crying/shouting down the phone to ask him to come home and help me (mum used to come down and babysit when I worked nightshift - she has a bone cancer that shattered, so was fine one day and near bed bound the next with no warning. She was meant to be babysitting.)

I just have no sense of what’s right/wrong or understandable/unreasonable.

Hugs for everyone, mummylin thanks for keeping us going and all your words of encouragment. Hope your DH is doing well.

To those who mentioned upset children at the funeral, my DS, 20 broke down after the ceremony when we walked out of the crem at dads funeral to look at flowers. He absolutely was in floods of tears, it was heartbreaking. I think he had been holding in all his tears. He was my DS only grandad.... (2 days later his gf dumped him too😒)

I also found the days after the funeral so hard, i felt like I was in a daze, and I had to keep my mum occupied. I don't think either of us knew what we were doing in those early days.

Losing my wonderful dad has been to worst thing that's ever happened to me. We were so close, we just 'got' each other. we were so alike in so many ways. I'm lost without him. But, I have to carry on and live my life with my family so I try to live a happy life.
Dad used to hate anyone being sad, he was happy if we were happy. It's 16 months now and f course i still miss him so much but I can now talk about him without crying. I have his photo with a constant supply of fresh flowers in my lounge and I'm doing the best I can.

The early days are extremely hard, be kind to yourselves and take one day at a time. You can do this💕

Sinky you can come here and chat to any of us at anytime if it helps to offload. 💐
Jools he is doing well thanks and he may start back to work next week, but only half days to start with. He has done extremely well and apart from the scars you would never know he has had anything done. I only have two more blood thinning injections to give him tomorrow and that's that bit over too ! It's amazing to think it's all done and dusted after a rotten few months.
I have been doing this thread since my mum died and I still speak to some of the people who were on here then !

mummylin I'm glad DH is doing so well, must be such a relief for you.
I find this thread a great comfort. Even if I'm not commenting I read it all the time

Hey everyone how are you all doing? Long time no speak as had a break from mn for a while. Sorry to see so many new names but glad you have found the support of this thread

Hello SSM how lovely to see you. I thought of you recently when I put my decks on my tree, I still have my little Robin you made.
How are things going for you and how is your ds ? And most important have you still got your mums little garden area ? So much to ask you as it seems ages since I've seen you .

In the last thread Badvoc came in to wish you, ssd and myself a happy Christmas. Was nice to see her too. Hope life is being good to you.

hi supermariossister , nice to see you again! hope you and the family are well! now all we need is t875 back and it'll be like old times.

so glad this thread is still going strong and supporting so many newly bereaved posters, as well as us old timers who still miss and pine for our parents, it never goes away, but the rawness does get better

for us all here x

I still have my little robin supermariossister made for my tree too!

and mummylin I keep looking at the rock salt lamp you have, they look lovely and comforting.

Oh and ssd too , this is lovely, to see not one but two of you. My tree is still up so I can still see my little robin. In fact. May have all Xmas stuff up until dh can lift properly .
How are you doing ssd ? No point asking if your siblings have been in touch I suppose. I am close to my siblings, but I find it odd that no- one takes mum flowers or anything. Not even once a month or anything. Not just mum but my sister too. The time seems to pass so quickly dosent it.

I'm so sorry for all your losses but am relieved to have found you as I will sadly be joining you in the very near future. I was told yesterday that my Dad will not make it home from hospital.Reading this thread has made it finally seem real and enabled me to cry, which is such a relief. Bowing out now but I will be back.

Haha that is nice to hear I do have the robin myself also, it sits on my pinboard when it isn't Christmas. Still have the garden area slightly further down yes, need some new ornaments though as they are very crumbly! Missed talking to you guys! Ds is good started high school this September and seems to have settled in okay.

How is everyone? What have you all been up too

Oh 2, it is the hardest time but you are stronger than you know and you are welcome here anytime don't feel you cannot let it out here now. I feel I did most of my grieving whilst mum was still with us as we knew what was coming it's such a surreal time.

It's Himalayan rock salt and it's supposed to put something into the air that's good. Haven't a clue what it is though. It is very cosy. Sadly
ssd there have been a lot of new posters recently and of course we know exactly how horrible it is. At the beginning I didn't think things would ever get better, and for you it was a tough time with other things too.
I still have boxes of mums stuff , which I can't bear to throw out.

siblings still the same mummylin though I've withdrawn so am less affected now, I can't be bothered with them.

lots of changes here too, ds1 studying abroad this year and ds2 almost leaving school but is struggling to decide what to do next...dh and I working away...can't complain, things have settled down here and it's all about what happens next with the ds's...

so nice to see you both x

2of we will be here when you need us. I am sorry you are going through this. 💐

my bedroom is still full of mums stuff that I've never moved, the living room and the kitchen has her stuff too and the xmas tree had all her decs up, I cant imagine putting anything away now, although I cleared out a bit more of her coats and shoes last summer as we were doing a clear out of the cupboard under the stairs

what I would advise new posters is do everything in your time, if circumstances allow, take your time and let yourself feel what you feel, awful though it is, it's sort of got to go through you to pass, IYKWIM.

it does get easier, but only time helps, that and being kind to yourself and your memories, its an awful experience but at least this thread is here to talk to others who understand how you feel, even when people close to you haven't a clue and dont seem to want to try.

I think it helps to speak to others who have gone / going through the same situations. I think we used to chat all the time !
Do you mean sms that your child is now 11 ?
And for you ssd both getting nearer to adulthood !

sorry I sounded bitter there I'll shut up a bit now but hope this thread brings the comfort to others it brought to me when I really needed it