Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

annunciata that must be so so hard for you. I'm so lucky to have my sister. She's been a complete rock and while I'm a snivelling mess I've barely seen her break down. However there's no keeping secrets from kids, so my DNiece4 announced that "mummy was crying about grandad". The wee lamb.

And again, we're fortunate in that dad owned his house so there's no rush for us. Although I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing? Pros and cons to both I guess. I'm just letting myself be guided by my DSis. She's the executor and my big sister so I'll take her lead on things.

Thank you for your message

And for everyone at this difficult time.

@Jade74 it’s so hard dealing with daily life, my work are lovely, colleagues have experienced it and they (some 10-15 years in) just say it’s hard and try not to cry themselves, the loss is so raw for them even now.

@Annunciata333 I have taken the sleeping tablets a couple of times and I slept for a few interrupted hours each time, it really helps to know I have them. I find comfort in odd things these days. I suppose I’ll take it where I can get it.

@Ellieboolou27 I’m so sorry about the hospital, this time is hard enough without their being fault added

@daintytoes my dad always had the radio on and none of us can beat to switch the darn thing on since he’s gone. My brother and niece are playing a playlist of the songs we chose and I can’t listen to music right now, just shows that grief is so different for everyone.

I’m with my family for the weekend and mum has decided to start clearing some of dads things, I think to keep busy mainly, but I’m finding it hard. She is giving all his shoes to charity and I can’t deal with it but what should she do keep them where they were forever.

We are four weeks in and I feel broken and lost and angry, I’m angry with people who have their dad to spend a Saturday doing little jobs with or crosswords and angry with people paramedics save

Inver I’m glad the sleeping pills have helped, I don’t take them often but having them on hand is definitely reassuring. I don’t feel angry about my Mum, she was very healthy, fit and active until about 6 weeks before she died but she was 82, so although I hoped she’d live to late 80s or early 90s I suppose I’d had it the back of my mind after she turned 80 that she wouldn’t be with me forever. I really, really miss her more than words can say but I don’t have the feeling of years being stolen. That must be incredibly difficult especially seeing other people having those years that you won’t get

Dainty it is very hard, I’m divorced with no kids so I feel very alone and sort of adrift and rootless now. I do have my best friend from school who knew my Mum very well, she lost her Dad (who I knew very well) last year so we are able to do some reminiscing and she ‘gets it’ which really helps.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I do feel as time goes on it does get harder, it's only 5 weeks for me so still in shock, had counselling session Thursday (arranged by my job) and it felt a bit pointless, although she did say at this stage there is a numbness.

to all of you, sorry I have trouble replying to each person but I read all and everyone of the posts and it does really help knowing I'm not alone.

Hello. It's me. You were all so kind to me when my Mum died in August. Its fast approaching the first anniversary and I'm a mess. Today I found my beloved Grandmothers gold watch in pieces in the washer. It must have fallen in. I had it fixed in May after finding it in Mums things to wear to my wedding in June. I know it's just a thig' but to me it was priceless.
Annunciata333
I haven't gone back in the thread yet but I saw your post about cleaning out the house and all family overseas. I was exactly the same. The HA gave me five days to strip my Mums, even down to flooring. I have all her stuff up here jammed into rooms and the barn. I feel like I'm suffocating under 'stuff'. And now the house is gone I've nowhere to go 'home' to.

It’s been five months now since my mum died and I haven’t posted on here for a while. It’s not because I feel “better”, if anything I feel like I’m just walking around with this huge pain inside me. Life is carrying on, children’s activities, shopping, we go on holiday next week but I don’t feel like I’ve moved on or even processed losing her. I went for an assessment for grief counselling through Cruse and am now on the waiting list. I think the suddenness of her death is something I’m definitely struggling with.

I’ve also received two bills lately which were very painful, one stating her pension was overpaid and one asking for rent arrears to be paid. The rent arrears are actually from after she had died when we were frantically emptying her flat as fast as we could. It’s so awful having to deal with all this on top of everything else. I feel very alone with no siblings and now no parents.

I’m so sorry to everyone else going through losing a parent. It’s an awful journey.

I lost my mum in the early hours of Thursday morning. The funeral is now planned but I feel empty, yet it doesn't feel real. I've been through the loss of a brother and father so know it will get better with time, though for now I just feel lost.

Flaming I had 6 weeks to do my Mum’s and that was bad enough, I can’t imagine 5 days I used a house clearance company for everything I couldn’t take (which was a lot including most of the furniture) and still feel bad about that, like I just chucked all her stuff away I’m in the same situation as you now - suffocating under the stuff I brought back here but I’m not ready to start sorting it yet. And no ‘home’ anymore either

Mini I’m a month behind you and feeling much the same as you. I also had issues with a couple of utilities companies that upset me, one in particular had a bereavement teams who were nice as pie on the phone but then I’d get letters threatening court proceedings. I still haven’t sorted out counselling and I need to. I struggle with SAD every winter and it’s going to be x100 worse this year dealing with grief as well so I need to try and get on top of it.

Walnut I’m so very sorry to see you joining us and for the loss of your Mum The early days are very strange indeed, I think I was in a complete daze/on autopilot. I’m so sorry about your Dad and brother too, I hope you have other family and/or good friends around you for support.

Well here it is. A year today since I lost my beloved Mum. I have been awake since 4am but am remarkably calm. Yesterday was awful. I have taken a few days off work and really don't know what to do with myself! Beach walk with the dogs probably, Scottish weather permitting.

@FlamingGoat I hope the day passed peacefully for you and you managed to get out to the beach.

@minicat79 We did. We took the camper and had two glorious sunny days on the beach. Very peaceful and relaxing. We even had a fire rainbow in the evening sky.

Hello fellow posters. I haven’t posted for a long time but remember the support this thread offered. I lost my darling mum last October.......it’s her birthday today.......the last of the “firsts” before the dreaded anniversary.
My heart goes out to you all. I have just been “ managing” the last few months, counselling was not helpful, I think it was too early. In the meantime we have had DS do his GCSES and all the stress that entailed. Work, as lovely as they are, stopped asking how I am a long time ago as did some friends.
My siblings sadly have gone low contact and have now taken over looking after dad who lives on their every word. It makes me so sad as they hardly saw my dear mum when she was alive citing work and other excuses as reasons not to.
It just feels like I am not moving on but realise I need to get over today’s hurdle. It’s just so painful to remember previous birthdays and the dreaded build up has been awful, I always took the day off work to spend it with her.

Thank you for reading this, it means so much that I am amongst others who understand.
A big hug and to you all.

Flaming I’m glad you made it to the beach and had a peaceful day.

I’m dreading all the firsts, it’s Mum’s Birthday in September then Christmas (the very thought of that makes me feel sick) then I’ll be into the one year ago stuff.

I don’t think I’m managing very well though to other people it probably seems like I am, same as you Usethedoor most people have stopped asking now. I still need to sort out counselling but from what you’ve said it could be a good thing I’ve waited.

Hugs and to all from me too.

@Usethedoor Bless you, it is so so hard, how lovely that you took time off work to spend with your mum in her birthday every year, that is very special and those memories will last a lifetime, I hope the day was gentle on you. I too am having counselling (it's 2 months 2 days since suddenly losing my mum) it is not helping much as like you I think it's too soon. I still can't process mums gone.

Had a awful day yesterday as took in mums cat last week as dad couldn't cope and although the cat was very old and had kidney disease he had to be put to sleep last night, he had a lovely relaxing and loving 8 days at our house but feel devastated that he went so soon. My little girl cried for hours today, saying she feels empty and why does everyone die so fast.

It's like I'm going through the motions of life, knowing it will never be the same again.

@Ellieboolou27 thank you for kind words. It was an awful day but strangely, the day after was calm and immediately felt better.
I had counselling around the same time after I lost mum as you. Looking back there was still so much stuff going in for me to focus properly and I couldn’t take it in. Sometimes its just helpful for you to speak freely about someone so dear as friends are busy working etc and siblings are in the same boat. Am so sorry about your mums cat but glad you looked after her!A kind thing to do.
@Annunciata333 , the first birthday will be hard but plan doing something to celebrate it in maybe a low key way? I bought a bunch of mums favourite flowers. You will feel better when you have got through it.

Life is hard and will sadly be different. I am trying to focus on what I have ( DH DS) and all that my mum saw was good in my life. That really helps.

Am preparing for a blip on results day this Thursday though as she wont see DS go through this stage of his life.Am sure many of you will have this as we go through big events and birthdays with our own families.

Big hug to you all.

Hello fellows! Have posted here before under other names a out my mother's suicide over a year ago. I've had good and bad times since but my grief is still a raw and unpredictable beast, tackling me to the ground whenever it wants to.

Unfortunately my partner's father will probably die soon (cancer). His relationship with his dad is incredibly complex, as several years ago it emerged he had done something utterly unforgivable that has shattered their family - but for various reasons, mainly financial, his mother has had to maintain civil contact with him (separated) and as the notionally "least affected" my DP has gone along with this weirdness and never really bottomed out his own feelings towards his dad... I forsee a shit storm of repressed emotions and good old garden variety grief coming his way, powerless to stop it, aware I'll need to find a way to support him through it... But if I'm completely honest it is all churning up my own mother's death for me and I am terrified I'm going to let him down, I just don't have the strength for him he'll need any more, so many days I feel like I'm just holding myself desperately together and am on danger of flying apart... If I let go to hold his hand I'm going to shatter. I can almost see it, bits of me flying away in the breeze, never to come back. We're both too broken to lean on each other and we both have no-one else. I'm very scared and so ashamed Im as scared for me as for my soon to be bereaved partner

@weaningwoes sorry to hear you're in such a difficult position, it all sounds incredibly stressful and sad. The only thing you can do is be kind to yourself and your partner. Can you take time off work? Plodding along is sometimes enough.
It's my birthday next week, the first without my dad. I feel so alone and sad. I don't want to celebrate, usually my friends and family come here for a get together, I can't do it this year. I've got his ashes in the kitchen. Waiting for relatives to arrange to come over and spread them. I'd rather do it on my own or would I? So hard to make any decisions at the moment. I've cracked a rib so unable to work much, so no money coming in. I know it'll get better but it's tough at the moment
I had a counselling session a month after he died and the therapist said it was too soon. I'm just trying to keep going
Love to all of you coping with our sad losses

Hello all, just dropping in after a while of not posting.

My Dad died unexpectedly in June and your support was really welcome then. It’s now almost 2.5 months since we lost him.

In some ways I can’t believe it’s only that as so much has happened, from his funeral and everything surrounding that, to a jam packed summer spent mainly with my mum distracting her.

We went on holiday to a place which held many memories of my Dad (it was already booked - he had booked the house). My mum struggled at first but we then had a lovely week remembering good times and creating new memories. But there were so many moments I wished he was there, handing me a glass of wine or offering to take the kids out with the dinghy.

I spend a lot of time saying “Dad/Grammy would have liked that”.

I miss him every day, and still can’t believe he’ll never come rolling up my driveway in his car again.

I have good days and bad, and sometimes I will think of something that reminds me of him or hear a piece of music and tears will come from nowhere.

Mainly I think I haven’t had time to properly process it because I have been so busy trying to support my mum.

I will catch up on the thread, but for now sending you all hugs

@Emmapeeler 2.5 months in for me too after losing mum suddenly, like you I've been so busy with supporting my dad and children being off school, I've not had time to process she's never coming back.

Dad is very depressed and says things like he doesn't want to carry on, it's hard to deal with as this is never something my dad would say, he is on a low dose antidepressant and it's not helping him. I don't know what to do as I was never really very close to dad. I'm due to go back to work in a few weeks and so don't know how I will cope.

I lost my beautiful soul of a dad this week. I have an 8 week old and 22 month old. I feel so desperately sad, his death was unexpected and horrific, he gasped for every last breath and the image is etched into my brain when I close my eyes. His death has been referred to the coroner and I’m petrified it’s going to become to late for me to see him in a more peaceful state. I’m torn between trying to keep my mum afloat, trying to grieve and be a mum to my beautiful children- it wasn’t meant to happen like this

@beechblob I am so sorry for your loss Does your Dad live nearby?

I too have become main confidant for my mum and it’s hard. My mum is quite independent but when she droops it’s me she confides in and like you I often don’t know what to say. I sort of feel I can’t appear sad around her so I have repressed a lot but also my kids have kept me very busy.

@emmaluggs I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad this week That must have been terribly traumatic. Your emotions must be all over the place having just had a baby too. I have no words but here for you to rant if you need to. I did lots in the first few weeks

My wonderful dad died 2 days ago from suicide. He suffered from anxiety and depression and was physically in pain a lot of the time which medical professionals could not fathom what was wrong and had washed there hands of him.

Immense sadness to what has just happened. I can’t quite get my head around it. I know he’s gone but I can’t quite believe I will never hear his voice or see his face again.

I know it’s a long road ahead. Just wanted to mark my place for comfort and support.

He really was such a remarkable man and loved by so many. I really wish he could have known how truly loved he was by everyone who had ever had the pleasure of his acquaintance.

Hello all, it’s been a while since I was here. I’m so very sorry for those of you who have recently found need to be on here and wish you lots of strength in the coming weeks and months. It’s 6 months since my dear dad died. The loss of him is with me every day but I am gradually finding my new normal which, on some days, allows me smile about all the lovely memories I have of him. Much love to all navigating this path that no-one wants to be on.

@Indianna2006 gosh I am so sorry for your tragic loss Your Dad sounds like he was a wonderful and loved man, I am sorry he wasn’t able see that. I remember in the first few days feeling so confused, like I knew Dad was gone but I just couldn’t seem to find him. Wishing you love and support for the road ahead

@Nankles glad you have got to a stage where you can find comfort in past memories. I too feel like I am navigating a new normal. At the moment I am still in a state of disbelief that he isn’t here and so those memories seem painful but I am glad I have so much to look back on and smile about in the future.

Hello all.
Can I join? I am caring for my dm at home, in her final days.
I am heartbroken.
She was such an amazing woman, and I know when I can feel/remember things other than my grief, my memories and her legacy will be so rich. But for now. I can think or feel anything but my overwhelming sadness.
She fought long and hard through several cancers, but 4.5 years ago we were told it was terminal. We've been so lucky to have her for these extra years, but last week it all got just too much.
My brother has been with her overnight as I have 3dds to get back to school today, but I will spend the day laying with her and holding her hand, doing anything I can to make her comfortable