Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent

[Mummylin]

Here we are on a new thread for a new year.
Hopefully we can bring some comfort to those who are mourning their Mum / Dad.

Lovelymonkey- so sorry you found picking up her ashes ‘unreal’. I did too. My mind completely blanked out what I was doing walking along the busy high street with them. Only when I left her house later and found myself saying goodbye to her/them did I break down completely for the first time since she died. It felt good and necessary but so damn hard.

Iggiontheedge- it is wonderful when someone says something small which acknowledges what we are going through. I’ve also realised that talking about death is very difficult for many. My ma has what we could say was the ‘perfect death’ the way we would all want to go. When saying that to friends I have had to acknowledge that I am saying that to some who have experienced difficult deaths of loved ones. It has made me rethink why a lot of people seem reluctant to even acknowledge what I’m going through. (There are also some who just don’t have or can’t feel empathy.) I’ve been lucky to have had a lot of support from friends at work.
Hugs all

My first week of the new year without my mum. So much has happened this week that I've wanted to tell her. I must have picked up the phone hundreds of times. I miss her so much. Just when I think I'm doing ok then another wave of grief hits from nowhere. Its been 5 months since that horrible night, no-one seems to care anymore, its that attitude of 'you should be over it yet' that makes me want to scream!

Everyone's words of advice and knowing I am not alone keeps me plodding on ,got to for my kids anyway. Going to mum's flat today for the first time since her passing to pick out some nice clothes. Am dreading it looking at her unopened Christmas presents might be my undoing .Thoughts with all on this path.

Sorry I've not caught up with the recent posts, dads funeral today. Hugs to all who need them x

phoebs I hope today goes as well as it can

Phoebs hope all will go as well as possible today. Somewhere you will get extra strength to get through it. 💐

Flaming sadly there are lots of people who think that after just a short while everything suddenly our lives return to normal , when we all know it never will. Some think that grief is just for a couple of weeks and all is ok again. But sadly one day they will find out for themselves just how awful the whole situation is and how hard it is to pick ourselves up for quite a while. And then there is the hole left in our hearts. It is so tough. 💐

I'm posting in here as I met my boyfriend 9 months ago and things were going very very well, then in November last year he had a phone call and his dad was very ill with a heart attack, he lost him later that day. His world changed that day. He slowly withdrew from the relationship. After the funeral in December he hit rock bottom. He has since told me he doesn't know how he feels about me anymore and finds a relationship with children involved hard to deal with.
I am prepared to wait and give him all the space he needs to get himself together. Is this normal? Am I just wasting my time?

Phoebs sending you strength for today

Rose obviously I cant judge your boyfriend, but when you lose a parent your life seems to spiral out of kilter. You don't know what day you are on half the time, so all I would say to you, is just be there for him as a friend, don't push him and let him work through his grief. He will need a few months to adjust and accept the death. Just be patient and support him through this awful time and eventually he will start to pick up. Obviously I don't know if your relationship will withstand this, but you never know. 💐

Mummylyn thank you, I am trying to be there just as a friend. Some days we talk lots, then other days he just wants to be left alone. I find it very hard. I know there is good days and bad days but at the moment he doesn't respond to texts even!

Just be patient and give him the time he needs. Don't keep texting him, he will then feel under pressure to reply to you. When he is ready I expect he will get in touch. Don't put your life on hold for him, but if he does call you, please just listen. It makes such a lot of difference. You obviously have a good heart. But it will take time for him to heal.

I’ve just reconnected with the site just needed someone to talk to
I lost my lovely Mum suddenly and without any warning on Christmas Eve. Christmas was a blur, trying to keep going for my son who is 17
My Mum was just lovely, even at 49 I felt looked after by her, she was always there for me. She would text me regularly, sometimes just little ones like it’s windy today, drive carefully 😊, she was caring and I loved her so much. I’ve just had a major op and she was down with her meals on wheels service even though she was in pain with her health issues.
I miss her so much it really does ache. My Dad is crushed, 57 years of marriage and 65 years of knowing her, they were always together. Seeing him so devastated is equally difficult to deal with and I worry about what the future holds for him. We don’t live close
We have had the funeral, a humanist one which was a real celebration but the ache and indeed the panic of not having her around is just all consuming.
Hubby is fantastic support , son is doing A levels this year and I just don’t feel I could ever be strong again to support him.
Sorry I could go on and on, I just feel I can never be myself again and I feel torn in so many directions any advice?

So sorry Latte what a horrible time you are having at the moment. I understand that you want to support your dear dad, but don't forget to take support fir yourself where it's available.
This is very very new for you and your family and it takes a while to adjust and even to accept that yes, our loved one has really gone. It's heartbreaking.
Sometimes in the morning when you wake , just for a second all is as usual, then it kicks in again and you are back in despair
But for now, it will be enough to get through each day, don't look too far forward as that's can be upsetting too.
Our lives are changed forever when we lose mum / dad but eventually we learn to live again although it will never be the same.
Take your time, look after yourself as well as your dad, who must be so lost and in time you will recover . 💐

I got a FB memory today reminding me that two years ago my dad finally got out of hospital. He died ten days later at home but before I could get over to him (I live in Belgium). I hate the Christmas period and it just gets worse afterwards.

Oh dear Long im sure you didn't need or want that Facebook thing. How sad that you couldn't make it over here, but I'm sure your dad knew how much you cared about him. That time of the year for you is always going to bring back such sad memories. But try and think if the nicer ones and things that made you and your dad happy. 💐

Lattequeen so sorry you are going through this.
It is extremely early days for you and your da. I still, after 16 months sometimes get the 'panic' feeling that my lovely dad is gone.
I'm slowly learning that my grief is my own grief and I can't carry my mum's grief too.
It was is so hard thinking of my mum by herself and to constantly be worrying about her, but she surprises me at how strong she is. I know some of its show and she may still be crying herself to sleep every night, but I can't be totally responsible for grief.
You will be strong again I promise. Make your mum proud, look after yourself and take one day at a time. This is probably the hardest thing you will do, and until I lost my dad I didn't appreciate what others went through when losing a parent

Thanks for your replies, it’s really helpful to know that my feelings are not unusual and that life will get better. I appreciate your advice

Thank you for the kind messages, I made it through the funeral! And read the eulogy. It was 8 minutes long (eeek) and made it through the whole thing. Had a cry during the music afterwards and then enjoyed the rest of the service. It was just 'nice'. Personal, touching, felt like being at home in the church as we had lots of family memories there. I was really dreading it and was quite stroppy with my poor husband on the morning of the funeral, but I feel relieved that it is all done and went without a hitch.

Have to admit it feels very strange now, though. Still have lots of admin to get sorted and Mum is struggling a lot and can't cope with any more hassle.

I have very little patience with the children and i am finding it really hard to be present with them. One of them has a birthday at the end of the month so hoping that will take my focus, now that the funeral is all sorted.

for anyone who's having a tough day today.

phoebe I feel the same, finding it hard to be present, I just feel like i am in a fog, and and am just missing my mums voice, texts, just feel empty.
Then I feel guilty as I have a lovely family around me but I just feel so sad

I'm glad the funeral went well for you phoebs. I felt the same way about my mum's funeral - it was nice, she would have been proud of it if she had been there.
I'm missing her so much this weekend, I wish I could pick up the phone and speak to her one more time.
I have been considering getting some counselling to help me cope with the suddenness of her death. I know it's still very early days and I'm sure my reactions are normal but I feel like I would benefit from having someone professional to speak to about everything with. Has anyone been to bereavement counselling and would you recommend it, generally speaking?

Cherry I have heard from people from both sides. All I would suggest is that if you feel it would help then go for it. If after a while you find it's not for you, you can cancel.
I'm not sure if some counsellors recommend a break between the death and then seeing a counsellor, but don't know if this is a blanket thing.
Just do what is right for you 💐

@Lattequeen yes, I'm feeling very guilty too. I spoke to DH about it last night and he was very understanding. I'm just very snappy as well and I really don't want to be. Early night tonight I think.

I think someone mentioned dreaming about those who have passed away. I sort of had one last night and I woke up suddenly, I was dreaming about having a conversation with someone - along the lines of them saying dad isn't in pain now, he'd want you to be happy. I suddenly woke and swear I heard the words "it's true" right in my ear. Very very strange experience.

@CherryBlossom23 I have no experience with it, but say if you feel you need help - ask for it and see how it goes.

I think in the circumstances we are all entitled to be a bit snappy for a while ! It's just us railing at the world whilst we have this awful sorrow. I think most people would understand.
That sounds a strange dream ! I wonder what a dream book would say about that ! 💐

I feel crap today. 5 hours walking around a shopping centre searching for an appropriate dress for my mum's funeral resulted in nothing but a migraine. I'm too fat for anything.

I haven't seen my dad today and now I feel really guilty as he rang earlier to see where I was if I was OK.

Fortunately he sounded OK but I'm not. I fear I'm starting to buckle with the strain and I haven't really been upset yet. It's as if none of this is real.

Not looking forward to tomorrow as I have to take her clothes to the funeral director then the celebrant is coming to my dad's house to discuss the service. He's not been able to make any suggestions or decisions, even down to what he wanted written on the card for the flowers so I just know that tomorrow will be left up to me again.