DH has died - niffler

[Nifflerbowtruckle]

Husband now terminalhttp://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lifelimitingg_illness/3050597-husband-now-terminal

We filled the last thread. Thank you all for every good thought you have sent my way.

Scaussie I suppose if you already have adequate support then you may not want to mess with the network you have built. Although your relationship does sound a little complicated I've known similar so it's not as unusual to me.

I arrived home yesterday after visiting family. I woke up to some lovely snow this morning. It's already starting to melt but it was nice to see the dog bouncing around and playing. It was also so good to sleep in my own bed. I've made arrangements to go back for the Mother's Day weekend but I'm putting the dog in kennels for a few days so I can stay at my parents. I don't get to see them properly when I usually visit as they work different shifts.

Glad you're home and ddog is happy bouncing.

Ddog was very happy in the snow. I was kicking it at her and she was bouncing around trying to catch the flakes. She's now being a little monkey though . She slept most of the day so is trying to play now.

Glad you and dog are enjoying the snow. Not got any here in Glasgow.

I have a small network of support at the end of the phone, everyone is scattered in Oz and Islands of Scotland. Core support ie Mum and bf was non existent which was a disappointment and surprise, feel betrayed. Hence the therapist. Sometimes it's nice face to face.
I guess I don't know what label I am now to dh. Folk say widow but I don't feel that is respectful to his gf or the relationship they had. Not best friend, not brother. Family for sure, closest friend definitely.

A visit home sounds great, get spoilt

Ha my dog loves the snow too! None here at the moment though, but chilly (SE). Thats good you have a bit of a break til you next visit your hometown, sounds like you needed it. Have you been up to anything much since you got back?

I suppose scaussie if people ask you could say family and if they ask what type just say the one I chose. The only (non legal) limitation to defining relationships is what you create.

I haven't really done much Amber. I had a meeting at the bank today and arrived in the centre early so I thought I'd look around some of the shops. There was valentines things everywhere, a woman busking in the centre for Cancer Research playing John Legend - All of Me on the violin and a shop was playing Ed Sheeran - Perfect so I had to leave. I had to calm down before I went into the bank .

Gosh that sounds upsetting, it is still so early and to be hit with all that. Well done for going back to the bank, I hope today is a better day for you.

hi. you will struggle with all the firsts and other people will forget. let yourself struggle - it is ok to feel like screaming - no british stiff up a lip.
x

I haven't had the urge to scream I do get a bad urge to smash things though. When I was at DH's uncles party all I really wanted to do was throw my glass through the patio doors (I didn't). I'm very non violent in general.

Is that because people were being annoying regarding your circumstances Niffler? Or because you feel it's wrong/unfair because your DH wasn't there with you?

Don't answer if you'd rather not.

I think it was more because I was overwhelmed surrounded by people. I was okay for a while but eventually it became too busy. It was also a little disconcerting people who I didn't know asking how I was doing (they knew who I was). However that didn't necessarily bother me. If DH was alive and well we probably wouldn't have gone to the party. He would more likely have been working and he didn't like parties.

I can imagine that overwhelming sensation; I'm not surprised you felt pressured.

Interesting what you say about people asking how you are, Niffler.
On a slightly different tack, I was talking with DD a few nights ago and, comparing notes, discovered people asked her how I was getting on but not how she was. I have the reverse, how is DD, not how am I.

Anything but ask you how you are.

It's such a rare occurrence that on the occasion someone asked me, at Christmas I started crying as I spoke about my feelings. To do this man credit, he was not at all embarrassed, spoke feelingly and sympathetically, without trying to get me to shut up.

It more bothered me because I didn't know them and still don't.

Interesting Echt I used to work in the same place as my mum and everyone used to ask me how she was and not me (obviously generally not after something like this). It's quite disheartening and you can feel like you don't matter after a while.

Most people ask me how I am doing. I don't know if it's because I don't really have any acquaintances just family and a couple of close friends. It must be hard rarely hearing 'how are you'

I really need to get stuff sorted . I spoke to my mum today about potentially moving to home town with the idea of saving up and moving back to current town. I'm just so so torn.

I also need to ring the fertility clinic to let them know he has passed away. I'm just so nervous. We called them in October to let them know I had changed my name at marriage and we had to send a signed letter and a copy of our marriage certificate to say that I had control of his sperm after he passed. I had to photocopy the wedding certificate twice as it was just a touch longer than I could copy and I'm hoping they accepted and changed the file. They never contacted us saying there was a problem. What if they say it wasn't right and I can't use his sperm .

Why are you torn about moving Niffler? Are you not sure it's what you want? If you don't have to move, it might just be worth staying put a while longer, I know it's recommended that you don't make any major decisions for about a year after a bereavement like yours.

Re the fertility clinic: you won't know unless you contact them, so I think you need to do that to know where you're at.
If you have a copy of the signed letter and your marriage cert, I would hope it will be ok.

Hey, niffler. I remember from your first thread there was a whole thing about where you lived and where DH wanted to be when he died. If it's not too much, what are you torn about?

As for the fertility clinic, sooner rather than later. Write, don't phone saying all you've said here, dates, etc. Did you keep copies?

I think I'm torn because this is my home. It's a tiny cold house but it's where my memories are. My heart says stay but my head says move. With my husbands life insurance from work I got a life changing amount of money. It would enable me to either buy a small house outright or get a small mortgage. It would probably be my only chance of getting on the housing ladder. It would also give me much more leeway if I did manage to have kids, my bills would be halved. However I still don't have a job and I don't want to blow the money.

I have a copy of the letter but not a signed copy. I know they received the original because I sent it signed for.

Contact the fertility clinic, you will feel much better after you have done. Hopefully you are worrying over nothing. I guess you won't be able to until Monday morning.

Like Horsemad said about major decisions. Is their any rush to decide if you want to move? I would stay put a bit longer till you work out what you want to do.

Hope d dog is well, it is nice and sunny here today so a good day for walking.

I have a few months to decide what I should do. If I find a job obviously I'll be able to either pay bills or pay most of them with savings subsiding the rest. I could then hopefully buy a house which a wage would cover all the bills.

Ddog is good if not a bit lazy. I'm tempted to get her a dog carrier. My parents are taking us away in July and it's a bit of a walking holiday and after her surgery as a pup she doesn't have the stamina or ability that she would have had. I really like this one .

Just posting to say I haven't forgotten you. The dog carrier looks great and from your photos like it would fit well - just as well your Ddog isn't a great dame

The way she sleeps on my head sing I'm glad she isn't a Great Dane too haha. She has met a couple though. It's the only carrier that would take her weight Shih Tzus are pretty solid dogs.

I haven't forgotten you either. It must be very daunting trying to decide what to do.

I contacted sperm bank and they received the letter and added it to DH file so they know of my name change. That's such a relief that I haven't had the decision taken away from me.