Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Thank you all,
My dd died at the beginning of this year
I feel very lost still

Thank you shabbs :)

Hello ladies,
It's been a good while since I was last on leaning for support. i hope everyone is doing okay today as this reaches you. We're doing better on the home front, My DS has visited me in dreams often to talk to me and assures me he is ok. He also visits his little sister often to watch over her, so in a sense I've adjusted to letting go of control and simply loving him no matter what. i still have days where I cry hard and have images resurface from the ER that set me back, but overall we are moving forward. My DD is missing him but she too has adjusted and we talk about her big brother often, so much she can say his name, I'm lucky to have her as we go through this, truthfully she is my sunshine through this storm and I want everyone here to know i'm thinking about you and that i hope you have someone you can hold and hug when you need them, and if not know I'm thinking of you and wishing hugs upon you all now.

purple
Take your time, we are all here and I can assure you it helps to talk here in this safe place.

purple I am so sorry - its so hard at the beginning (its hard all of the time)

Caider So glad you are doing alright, and have had some moments of comfort. How old is your DD? My DS2 is 4, and he also likes to talk about his brother, and it is a help. The hospital memories are awful for me as well ... I wonder if those will ever abate in intensity.

Purple I'm so sorry. My DS died in February, and I feel rather lost as well. Do talk here, if it will help. It has been for me.

I hope its OK to post this here.

My son would have been celebrating his 18th birthday tomorrow; he died aged 17 days old. Generally I've coped over the years but I'm really struggling. I don't know why it should be so bad now but I've spent the whole day in tears.

Hello all. It's been months since I have been here, and I feel a bit selfish coming back on, but feeling a little low - on Friday it will be four (!?! how??) years since my beautiful red-headed Mia died unexpectedly.

I do recognise some names here, and am so sad to see others of you who are newer, but I hope this thread provides you with the same safe haven as I found it, a place to remember our children, and speak so proudly of our love.

woodviolets Thank you, I'm hoping everyone here is doing okay, or as okay as they can be right now hugs My DD is 1 years old, her big brother passed at her birthday celebration so their time together was so short, it may be tough in the future should anyone let it slip but sharing his pictures, videos and memories will be what she has to remember him. I used to worry seeing his pictures and videos would cripple me but they make me smile and seeing how she loves looking at his pictures and how she calls him by name happily I can't imagine a day without seeing them myself. I'm really happy your DS2 loves talking about him, it will help him adjust to this change and let him know he can share his feelings too.
I'm not sure if the shock of the ER will disappear for us but I do hope it will ebb. I try to forcibly not think of that day when I find my mind wandering but when it happens sometimes the memory is blurry, but other times it is sharp and crisp, and those times are the ones that get me badly. Maybe in time it will not be so shocking for us or at least not be so crippling. He has let me know he is okay and I hold ever more firmly onto that on those bad days.

SiencynArsecandle Of course it is alright to post here, you are very welcome here. Even though years have passed the hurt is still there and perhaps a good cry is what you needed. When my DS's birthday came up this September we celebrated by sending a Chinese lantern up into the air, read a book out loud to him, sang his favorite songs and talked about how much we loved him and the silly antics he would do. May I suggest perhaps by doing something for him on this day, sending a balloon up for him or even planting a tree or plant in his honor can help a little?

MiaAlexandrasmummy Don't feel selfish, we're all here to support each other no matter what stage we are or how we feel, good or bad. hugs

Morning xx

Welcome Siency - welcome to this special long running part of MN - just so sorry you had to come and find us. I think that any 'special birthdays' are even harder. You know the 18, 21st etc....my twin boy that died would be 34 just after Xmas and my lovely third son would have turned 31 this June just gone. I clearly remember sobbing on their 21st birthdays - all that amazing potential gone. Dont be hard on yourself for being upset - its all part of our incredible love for our children.

Shiney - Totally understand what you mean about everyone elses life going on as normal xxx

Hello everyone, it has been a good few month since I've been here. Dd2 was stillborn at 40+5 in March and I'm now 24 weeks pregnant and struggling with the guilt and fear very much. It almost feels as if I've lost the right to mourn my tiny girl so I've been trying to do it on my own, but It's not quite been working out. I hurt to much. So please can I come back? Just so I'm not on my own. I need someone who understands what it is like to look normal but feel like I could cave in on myself at any moment.
Shiney, the yellow balloons sounded beautiful, I am sure your DCs found it comforting. Also getting people to register for organ donation would have made your dd proud I am sure.

3 - so sorry you are feeling like this - I think we can all identify with these emotions. You dont have to ask to come back - its good to see you - just wish it was on a thread about something really trivial. We are all at different stages of our grief - sometimes, even though so many years have passed for me - it becomes overwhelming....and sometimes I can pretend that I am just fine!! If we hadn't loved our children so much we wouldnt be feeling this way. xxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you shiney and shabbs that really helps, and you are right I couldn't have imagined getting to this point. One day at a time I guess. Hope today is being kind to you all x

3 - I was in pieces for much of my pregnancy with my rainbow Finn. I found it so hard to believe something positive could happen in my life after Mia's death. In the end, I realised that her gift to her sibling had to be love and hope and goodness, as that was what her little life had been about. Her present to him, if you like.

Trying desperately not to think about those last few hours four years ago tonight. I have had a headache all day, mainly because I am suppressing those terrible images and the inevitable "if onlys". So despite plans for a lovely dinner with Mr Mia to quietly mark his birthday, it has been pizza and "Frozen" with Finn, cuddling on the sofa - and he loved it. So that is something.

Oh Mia thinking of you, thankyou for your words of wisdom.

Thanks shiney, you too, awake with flashbacks at the moment, but I'm resting which is the main thing. At least there isn't the school run in the morning eh? are you struggling to sleep too?

Oh Shiney I'm sorry you are struggling too. How are the dt's? Elif is coping a little better now, although she has her moments when she worries I will die. The new pregnancy has brought joy for her, she is enjoying feeling the wriggles, but she spent a good few days upset that it was a boy. She said that it was like losing Azra all over again that she missed her sister. It made me realise that I can't fix things for them no matter how much I try. I am happy it is a boy because Azra will always be my girl, but sometimes I think, if it had been a girl it might be easier to pretend she is still with us, crazy and unfair I know, I think it is just my desperation to hold her again.

Poor dt1 he has/had more to deal with in his little life than many adults. It is not surprising he is struggling. He has you though, and he couldn't wish for a better mum that is for sure. Even though I wouldn't interact with the play therapy I am sure he would have been taking some things in. I hope they find something that clicks for him, he deserves to have something work for him, to help take the burden from those little shoulders.
I think of you all often

I'm also been struggling with flashbacks. Had an horrific one this morning. Felt so real. 8 days since my beautiful ds was born. He is so scrummy and I love him but his entrance to this world was almost as dramatic/traumatic as his brother's birth . When I was in labour with ds (before the section) I was using gas and air -