Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Thank you Miami.

I know what you mean about thinking of all the things you'll miss out on. Sam was so excited to be starting high school in September this year and I'm dreading seeing all his friends on fb enjoying their year 6 prom and all dressed up in their uniform for first day at high school. It breaks my heart to think of all the things he'll be missing out on x

I got through a day on my own today. DH had to work 12 hours.
I think that is the longest I have spent on my own since DS died.
I did some batch cooking.
It was hard, because although I love cooking, and my kitchen, it was the place I had my last conversation with DS. He went out after spending half an hour telling me about his plans for the future.
I never saw him again.
The police came to tell us he was dead.
Every time I go into my kitchen I relive that last half hour and it breaks my heart.

Hello everybody. Not been here for so long. Just catching up with the thread and sending my love and thoughts to you all xx

Hello Shabbs.
I miss my son so much.
Every day is a struggle.

I know exactly what you mean. Grief is a struggle....it affects everything.....sleep, eating, even minor decisions, it invades your brain so you cant think of anything else. Many years have passed since my boys died. Some days I am as near to ok as Im ever going to be and others are a living nightmare xx

It is the sheer relentlessness of it.
It is exhausting just getting through each day. And so daunting facing the rest of my life with this terrible grief.
I am so worried about my other 2 dc. I don't know how long I can keep finding the strength to support them, but if I go under, we all will.
But I am so, so tired.

Another of ds's friends is getting married.
I am happy for him.
But it breaks my heart that my son will never have that chance.

Hello everyone.

My daughter died last month.

Hello thedinosaur I'm so sorry about your daughter. Such early, early hideous days for you. Please tell us about your daughter when and if you are ready.

It's weird, I've backed away from some child bereavement groups to take stock and find some strength away from other people's pain. I feel better for it a bit. But then you leave yourself alone in the world of normality that you don't and won't ever fully belong to.

It's just over 4 years since my darling Will died. 4 years. I still can't get my head around his illness, the cruelty of those years suffering, his death aged 18. I can't get my head around the fact that I work full time, I live, I laugh,I love. It doesn't seem right to go on. But then what choice do we have? I have another living son and for him I must live. He's 20, lives away at uni for the most part. He doesn't need me like a young child does. So I have to live for myself and find a way through. The juxtaposition is jarring - life v death. It took a long time to allow myself to enjoy life. The guilt overrides at times.

I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking of my Will. I think I spend more time thinking of him than I do his living brother. How does that work? How is that right?

I miss him. His voice, oh what would I give to hear his voice in the house, hear his laughter, have to listen to one of his terrible jokes? How I would love to put my arms around all 6ft of him and hold him. Tell him it's going to be ok, and for that to be true.

I'm tired and I miss him. Sometimes the days just get in the way of remembering our lives before. I can't work out if that's a good thing or not.

Love and strength to all xxx

Have not been on here in ages. Cant sleep, feel sick, and life is so fucking unfair...... Aubrey has been diagnosed with ptsd, Elliotts snoring and Henry is trying to steal all of my bed. Their dad has requested a facetime call this morning because he needs to see and hear his boys, ive said no, they have no idea the significance of todays date and Aubrey will not cope with it, but then that is him all over not thinking about the bigger picture, just himself. Hes not once asked after Aubreys mental health since diagnosis 4 months ago and we have his camhs assessment at 9.30am. I cant believe its been 4 whole years, the pain when it hits is so hard, Pippa should be 7 now and i have no idea what 7 year old little girls are into.
Sorry for the rant, must have done some seriously shit stuff in my previous life to deserve whats been thrown at me over the last 4 years...

I hope you are all ok

Struggling recently. Maybe it is something to do with the changing seasons triggering memories.
I met up with a friend yesterday. He is 12 years on and still finding it very hard. I think it made me wonder how I will cope with the next 12 years. If I live that long of course.
He gets it though, which helps.
None of us are the people we were. There is always the "before" and "after".

End, I'm sorry you are struggling. Be kind to yourself, it is relentlessly exhausting.

At this time of year the nights seem never ending, and as ever sleep eludes me - too quiet and too much time to think.

I previously posted on this thread under another name. DD1 would be 25 now. Her friends are working, buying houses, getting married, having children... All things she never got the chance to do. Part of me is jealous. I don't always like the 'new' me, I have much less patience and tolerance.

@Minmooch
I wonder how you are now?

Just to say when I feel I would rather sleep for a hundred years than get up and face another day, I think how much my poor daughter would have longed for just one more day. So I live it for her, since she can't.

@RidingOn I'm still here. It was over a year since I last posted on this thread. It never ceases to amaze me how we keep going. I drive past the Cathedral where we held Will's funeral every working day. I could drive another way but I drive past and nod to it. I talk to Will every day.

As you say I live my life because my son didn't get to.

It's all too strange often. Sometimes I think he was a dream - all 18 years of him. But if I think too hard about it it gets too hard, too complicated.

I choose not to watch certain things as they are too upsetting. And then I will watch the Stand up to Cancer stories almost to punish myself. Sometimes I need to watch these stories to allow the tears to flow.

We've hit November. Will was born in November and he would have been 24 this year. He's been gone nearly 6 years. I still can't fathom it. Still don't understand how or why he died. I mean I know he had cancer and that killed him but I still don't get it.

I still don't understand how I carry on. I know that I have to but still it defies everything really. I guess I put Will, his suffering, his death in a box, shut the lid and carry on. It's hard.

Life still has beautiful moments. But each of those jars my soul.

A new baby in the family is such a blessing. But painful as it always hits me that my son didn't have the choice to have children. Amongst all the other things he missed out on.

Having watched the Rugby World Cup I've missed him as he loved watching rugby. I think he actually loved watching it with me/for me as he loved my passion for it.

It's all so complicated. And tiring if I think too much about it all.

I miss him and love him. And I still have to go on without him. For me. And for my other son.

I need time on my own to be with him in my thoughts.

Love to all walking this path.

@minmooch

You are carrying on, as you have to. I think you have a lot of strength and courage. I hope you are getting some support from the people near you, and a little relief, sometimes?

A lot of what you said about the unreality of it rings true for me. And before this happened to us, I couldn't imagine how people continued to live when their child died. I still don't know how it's possible for life to go on without my daughter.

I talk to her on my way to and from work, too. She had a happy life - a husband, children - until she was diagnosed with lung cancer. It helps to know that. She was 40 when she died. I'm sorry your son was so young. How cruel life is sometimes.

Our daughter Rachel died suddenly from SADS 19 months ago and it's getting no easier. The same really as at the beginning. She was our only one and had just got her degree. We'll never get over it. How can we. Everything sees different somehow now, as if nothing matters any more.

Yappy, I'm so sorry. I hope you do eventually find some sort of meaning in life again.

I was told by someone that if nothing matters in life, then everything matters equally. It gives you the freedom to explore your priorities. You might find, as I did, that you still get angry reactions to things, and that shows you what does still matter to you.

It might help, too, to talk about it with people, eg to get some sort of counselling? If you pretend to care enough to join some sort of group, you might end up feeling more involved in life again. I haven't done this yet, but I'm thinking about it.

The thing is, we have got this life - whether we care or not. We might as well try and do something with it.

Yappy I understand what you are experiencing. It is so hard. I am 3 years on now, still haven't had proper counselling because I just can't face it yet. I am lucky that I have a few friends who really care and are there for me. 2 of them are bereaved mums and they understand.
I know some people have found The Compassionate Friends very helpful. I think being able to meet and talk to other bereaved parents is really important.
I have had good support on the bereavement boards here. That certainly got me through the first year. But I know that making new relationships is important. The sad fact of life is that other people move on. We are left with a few people who are true friends.
Try googling your local group of Compassionate Friends and go along to a meeting. You will probably find you make friends who can support you.

Yappy, I would also suggest counselling. I have found it helpful to have time away to focus on my grief. I don't have to pretend to be happy. I don't have to worry that I will upset others (e.g. DH/my other DC) or that I will scare off the friends that are still around. I also agree with End, I have had amazing support from MN'ers, that I could never repay, it really is MN at its best.

Anybody else dreading another " festive season"?

I am, End. I would hibernate if I could. I try to keep up the happy pretence for younger DC, though I'm not always successful. Someone once told me the hardest times are the times others perceive as happy times. It's true. DD1 loved Christmas, every aspect of it.

Yes am dreading the second Christmas without Rachel. Am not buying or sending any cards or buying any special food. My wife and others say I'm wallowing in misery and not trying and they're right. I am. All I do is take the dog out once a day, eat drink and sleep. I don't want to do anything now Rachel's life has ended at 22. Will never ever get over it or begin to come to terms with it. My GP thinks I have prolonged intense grief which is a recognised condition where you don't improve after a year.