Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Hi Double I think it is just so hard when we have such strong competing emotions -- it can be a struggle to embrace the joy, while honouring our grief and loss. Wishing you well.

Shiney Try not to be so hard on yourself ... we all do the best we can, and it is just such a lot for the little ones.

Caider It is good to have something to hold on to, especially on those bad days.

Hello to everyone.

It's the first anniversary today of my little boy leaving us. I just miss him. So near yet so far.

Neverending - the hideousness of the year of firsts is almost over. I'm so sorry. I don't think it gets easier after the first year, but we just get a tiny bit better at dealing with it and acting (that's how it is for me anyway).

• I've just been lurking in a corner and trying to get on with things. I'm back in the UK for a few days and I went to Paddy's grave yesterday to tidy it up. A large number of bees seem to have taken up residence in or under a rosemary bush we planted at the foot. It seems slightly amusing that these fierce and feisty creatures are there looking after him.

Neverending thinking of you.

Paddy was very feisty. He was bold and strong and vibrant. How can he be just gone? It doesn't make sense does it.

I was doing ok until we got home, I tried to escape by going away the three of us, I was - well I thought I was doing ok. But now it's all hit me. It just seems so cruel and unfair

So sorry, Neverending You are in my thoughts.

The bees in the rosemary bush sounds like such a lovely scene, Lily Paddy sounds lovely.

Hi Shiney Yes, the biggest difference would be the ability to prescribe meds, though any psychiatrist or counselor, or psychologist will have a difference in training and school of thought, so a particular person might be preferred over another on that basis.
I know that some people don't feel that counseling does much good for normal grief, but that it is needed for pathological grief. Then again, some people feel like they just need someone neutral to talk to.
I don't have personal experience -- just am the daughter of a psychologist.
(hugs)

Lily I love the sound of the bees, it put a smile on my face.

Never I hope today will be a little easier on you.

Shiney I think you need to try whatever you can to help you through, some things will be right for you and others won't.

Afm, my dd (6) was thrown from a horse on Saturday morning and broke her arm so badly. We came home from hospital yesterday but I found the whole experiance so traumatic.
I carried her in my arms into A&E yelling for help. Her little arm was a mess, I flopped it over her tummy and tried my hardest to walk as gently as I could. The Dr took one look at her and sent her to resuscitation.
They gave her some painkiller up her nose and also gave her gas and air and cut off her clothes. Her little arm was a mess. I am not normally squeamish but I had to look away I found it so distressing. So I just bent down and lay my head next to hers and tried my best to comfort her. I found the sound of the gas and air such a trigger. I hear it in my flashbacks and to hear it again filled my heart full of dread.
They took an X-ray and came back and said they need to send her for an emergency operation to try and save the circulation and nerves because her elbow was in bits. The Dr was telling me all of the risks of the surgery and anaesthetic. There was a chance she would lose her arm. And all I kept saying is I can't lose another child sad. I was just so scared. He kept trying to tell me that the surgeons do this all of the time, and the risks are small, but as you ladies know, even the tiniest risk is very much a possibility for us because that 1:1000 has happened to us and we have to live with the devastation of that every single day.
Thankfully the surgery went well and we are now out of hospital. Her arm looks good for now but we won't know for sure the lasting effects untill they take out the wires and she is finished with all of her casts. She has lost sensation in her little finger, although she can feel pain, it came back for a little while but then went again. The other fingers have feeling though and can be wriggled. They said with an elbow injury it is common to be left with reduced mobility and also because of how the bones broke they may no longer grow and so she might need further opperations as she grows, I am keeping everything crossed she will be ok. The important thing she and her arm are home.
I am drained and feel very scared of what else we might face. I was in a car crash a few weeks ago too and I am really getting sense of being cursed or punished or something. My anxiety is through the roof. I can't take any more. After the crash my friend said 'you can't write this shit,' and she was so right. Now this! Everyone keep saying to me, 'I bet you can't wait for 2015 to be over' and while this year has been the hardest of my life it was also the year that I help my little Azra in my arms. To lose that will be like losing her just that little bit more .

I have my appointment with the maternity psychologist today so hopefully I will be able to get it all out, I really need to talk about what happened to DD but as it has nothing to do with Azra or my current pregnancy I am not sure it would be the right place.

I hope today is a peaceful one for all of you ladies .

Oh, I am so sorry, Badgers How horrific. Your poor little girl -- how awful and scary for her. I am so glad surgery went well, and she is alright. You and your daughter are in my thoughts, and you have my prayers that her arm will do well as time goes on.
How just completely awful for you. (hugs) That is so much for one person to take I hope you get a chance to take care of yourself as well. The maternity psych sounds like a great person to talk to even if not directly related to maternity, the situation is affecting YOU, and thus your pregnancy.

I wished I lived nearby -- it sounds like you could use a whole lot of baked goods, a hug, and a long talk.

Oh Badgers. That's just an awful thing to have gone through. Your poor DD. Poor you too. I hope she makes a speedy recovery. It must have been as traumatic for you as much as for her. Just awful.

I look for messages and signs. Hopefully.

Thanks for the cake and tea any excuse is good with me. I went over it all with the psychologist today and it was so helpful. You ladies are so right, she pointed out how what I went through with dd was related to Azra if nothing becuase the fear I had, for her, was heightened becuase of losing Azra. She also said the next time she would take me down to the delivery ward and do some exposure to the gas and air with me to try and desensitise me before the birth. She is brilliant, I am very lucky.
The broken arm is DD's dominant hand but as she is a lefty she is quite used to improvising with her right hand. All her cutting out is done with the right. So I have faith that she'll cope.
Lily and Shiney I definately look for the signs. Quite often when I am having a hard day the sunset/sunrise will b&m a brilliant pink just like the day Azra was born. love love love it.
Big hugs to you all, and thank you for helping me to get through the day

Badgers - ouch!! Both physically and mentally.....so scary being in the hospital in a situation like that - my Tom broke his wrist about 8 years ago and it was horrific....he 'mended' very quickly but it left me a nervous wreck.

Down in the dumps about everything - cant stop thinking about my boys or my precious Dad, who I miss beyond words. Problems financially and Tom struggling to get a job - it all gets too much sometimes doesnt it? I am sleeping so badly and grinding my teeth until it wakes me up. I have actually loosened one of my side teeth doing it!!

Oh Shabbs, I think that is the thing, it does get too much. The 'good days are a lovely blessing when they arrive but sometimes all of the bad days decide to hit us all at once. Is the poor sleep down to anything in particular or pretty much because you have so much going on at the moment? As for the teeth grinding I think you can get measured for special teeth guard things that help prevent the grinding. I'm hoping tonight will be a better one for you x

I have always been the one in my family who can ride the storm and fix everything. At the moment I cant fix anything. When Tom left college we, of course, lost his CB and CTC (approx 70 quid)....if he signs on the money he gets will mean that we then have to pay the same amount in rent or council tax - so there is no point in him doing so. I know it is just money but its driving me crazy. Every time I get beyond knowing what to do I think...Dad would help me sort this....oh my word, in the great scheme of things we are lucky...we have a decent home, and enough food - just get fed up of pinning on a smile all the time.

My word I am a miserable bugger tonight - going to kick myself up the bum in a minute. xxx

Oh Shabbs. I completely understand about the teeth grinding. I've caused significant damage to my teeth (since Paddy) died and now have to wear a mouth guard at night. It's actually very comfy. Talk to your dentist.

Hope things improve. XX

Morning girls xx

Lily - your post about teeth grinding made me feel much better - if that makes sense. I didnt realise that other people did it - I really thought I was totally cracking up!!! (which is a real possibility!!) Woke up a few hours ago with my thumb in my mouth which had stopped me from doing it lol. Whatever works is good I reckon.

Oh gosh shabbs don't start biting your thumb!

oh my! 3littlebadgers you poor dear, all the love I am sending your way, I can only imagine how nightmarish that was for you, I hope your sweethearts are doing okay and you all the more. Thinking about you!

Hello to everyone and thank you all for the kind sentiments. I'm checking in to see how all of you lovely ladies are and that I am wishing you all the utmost best each day.

Has anyone had to cut ties with immediate family? I'm still wrapping my head around it and frankly walking away is the only choice but I am certainly still boggled. My step mother, even though she was angry and hurt, has outright blamed me for not being there when my DS got past his grandparents that awful day. i was on an errand and thought him to be safe but yet she still blames me and has said so to my face. I was hurt and started to backpedal because i did feel it was my fault and all those " what if's" came rushing back at light speed. It's been a while month and she refuses to apologize and my father simply says " she was angry, just let it go." let it go? i can't and all I want is an apology, not for me to be the one to 'make up' with a woman who refuses to see her hurtful wrong doing on top of it not being my fault. I'm really at odds to see my own father just sit back and let her do this. I do apologize if this is selfish and off-putting but I simply had to vent and ask if perhaps i am over reacting?

Oh caider I'm so sorry. I have had to cut ties with a member of my family but not for the same reasons as you. A very close member of my family decided not to come to my sons' cremation ( she felt that there was no need to as she'd not met them/ felt no connection to them..) she then outright has blanked my DD apparently forgetting her birthday twice - again tho is a close family member... - we do not see her any more. My ds is 13 days old and will never see her. Anyway I cant imagine anything worse than being blamed. I personally would cut ties purely because they are always going to feel this way... No matter what they say. Plus I feel your df should definitely be more on your side than hers... X