Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

Ds2 and dd are home this weekend.
I was buying fish for dinner and asked for 5 fillets. Then remembered I only need 4.
Then cried all the way home.

Oh love.....thats part of loving someone very much. Its wishing for normality and to have things like they used to be. If we weren't human beings and didnt love people we wouldn't have these heart breaking/heart stopping moments. I still do things like this after all these years.

The first anniversary has passed.
I think of DS all the time. I think it is just sinking in that this is forever now. This is my life and he is never coming back.
I keep busy.
We go away for a few days here and there but we come home again and it is so quiet.
I miss him so much.

Ladies I wanted to let you know about a new site which has launched today. stillbirth stories has been created by a friend of mine who lost her daughter to stillbirth some years ago. It's intended as an archive of parent and clinician experience with the intention of providing peer support and reducing the taboo about talking about stillbirth. There have been articles in the Mail, Observer and Guardian covering it. It may be of help to somebody here so I wanted to link it, hope that's ok.

Hello everybody. Hope everybody is doing ok......whatever the hell ok is! xxx

Hi Shabbs. I'm not sure what OK is either. I keep telling everyone that I'm OK but I'm actually more tearful and emotional now than I was at the beginning of this journey 10 months ago. Today was DD's birthday - the 1st one since she died. I planned a quiet day with just a visit to put some flowers on her grave. I sat alone in the churchyard for a period of quiet reflection - until someone in one of the adjoining houses started up their petrol strimmer. I was touched that a number of people remembered DDs birthday and sent messages which made me more tearful.

Still heartbroken.
The world moves on.
My world has changed forever.

This is so hard.....lost one of twins in 1982 and my third son in 1992. I should have twin boys who will be 36 at the end of December this year. Then a son who should be 33 and a precious suprise son who is 20. Instead of all that I have a son who will be 36 in December and my suprise boy who is 20. So bloody, god awful horrible. Sending my love and thoughts to anyone missing their family xx

Hi haven't posted here before. Fourteen years ago today my beautiful baby boy died.Can't believe fourteen years have gone by.Still miss him so much .

2rainbows......glad you found us on here....just so sorry you had to. This thread has been active on MN for many years. We used to quickly reach maximum posts on each new thread but it has been very quiet for a while. There is no death so sad as that of a child no matter what age that child is. I lost one of my twin boys in 1982 when he was 7 months old du8e to serious heart problems. Then our third son was killed in a RTA in 1992 just before his 8th birthday. I should have twin boys aged 36 just after xmas, a 33 year old boy and a 20 year old. Sadly I just have my eldest and youngest. So sorry to hear of your loss, my sincere thoughts go out to you xx

My first post about my precious son, he was only 13, I have not wanted to post it is so wrong, unfair, unfathomable, how can life be so cruel?

Lalamum. I am so so sorry. It must be so very painful and this time of year must be worse. Thinking of you and all of you on here...

Just popping in to offer my thoughts and to everyone.
I am approaching the second Christmas without my lovely son.
We are spending some time quietly, far away from home, just me, DH, DS2 and DD. We won't acknowledge Christmas, just do some ordinary, everyday stuff, together.
However you cope with/get through/manage the season, my heart goes out to all of you. All of us, in the club nobody wants to join.
I hope you all get through as peacefully as possible, and that you all have someone around you to care and support.

Well its 35 and 25 years since our two sons died....but this has been an awful christmas. Sadly we are on disability benefits and we have just managed xmas. Sat here worrying about everything and missing my boys. Keep telling myself that everything is going to be fine.....whilst knowing that its all crap. Hope you are all ok xx

Just popping in to say hello to all of you in this awful club we had no choice but join. I lost my son almost 2 years ago. I still am in denial as it's the only way I can survive this.

People say that no parent should outlive their child but in all honesty I died with him.

Childloss is something that can never be put into words. I've read many books, many poems but no word or words can describe the pain, panic and torment that we live with every second of the day. It's strange but we put on our masks because that's our only option but the pain is like a huge ball of concrete living inside you constantly.

Be kind to yourselves and sending support to you all. Xxx

Yes.
Keeping the mask on s very hard sometimes.
I have had a few days when I just keep crying .
It is the relentlessness of the grief.
Another birthday has come and gone.
Other lives are moving on with weddings, the arrival of grandchildren, successful careers. All things that won't happen for me with DS now.
I am marking time, just getting through the days.
Grateful for sleep when it comes, dreading the morning when I wake up then remember he is gone.
Struggling to find purpose in anything.
So tired of enduring the ignorance of insensitive people.
The ones who know how I feel because their cat died.
The person who told me I was lucky to have 2 living children so I should forget about DS1. That was a bit tricky.
The "friends" who have simply disappeared from our lives.

Shiney - I hope the school works out.
It is so hard for the siblings.
x

Hi everyone, hope it's ok to join you. I feel no one understands....

It was my brave boy's funeral today and I feel lost.

So background.....

3rd Jan 2017 Super Sam was diagnosed with a brain tumour and cancer cells in his spinal fluid aged 9.

5th Jan 2017 he had an almost 7 hour op to remove the tumour. Surgery left him with left sided weakness and unsteady gait.

Mid January stem cells collected.

Feb to March 2017 he had 31 sessions (6 weeks and 1 day) of high dose radiotherapy.

May to August he had four cycles of high dose chemo receiving stem cells back after each chemo cycle.

5th Sept 2017 Super Sam rang the end of treatment bell.

October 2017 he had his first all clear end of treatment MRI.

8th December 2017 we threw an end of treatment party.

16th December 2017 we found out it was back and couldn't be treated.

17 days later on 2nd Jan 2018 at 12.28pm Super Sam grew his angel wings 💔

I don't know how to carry on living without him for over a year we've been each other's shadow either sleeping in the same bed or sharing a hospital room.

How do I live, laugh, eat without feeling guilty for doing so?

If it wasn't for my girls I don't think I'd want to be here 💔

Super Sam was 10 in August. The day after he passed would have been the one year anniversary of his original diagnosis 💔

Muddling
I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss.

Thank you endoftheline.

Muddling
I am so sorry for your loss. And to everyone else on this thread.
Our beautiful baby girl was stillborn in September. I think I am still in denial about what that actually means, my daughter is dead. How on earth has that happened? How does this awfulness happen? How do parents keep going without their child? I just want to hold her and hug her and have her squeeze my hand. We are mourning everything, all the things we will never get to do with her.