Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[LilyTheSavage]

This is it. Here we are. Thank you to Shabbs for noticing how far down the last thread we got.

Remembering all our precious children. Sending love to you all. This is just so wrong. I could howl to the moon tonight.

So this weekend is dreaded mother's day.. my first little boy would have become a teenager this year..His little brother makes so much effort to make me something every year. It's not fair on him that I'm always sad on mother's day ...But i cant help it ..Even after all these years mother's day is so very hard

Sitting looking at the sunshine and thinking how much DS loved the spring and the start of the warmer weather.
He has been gone 7 months and I miss him so much.

I was thinking the same thing about my DD at the weekend endoftheline. She hated the heat but tanned very easily and was renowed for looking like she'd been on holiday abroad by Easter most years.

I have made a start on sorting through her clothes today - can't believe she's been gone for 4 months. I have been selecting the ones she wore the least as they don't hold as many memories. I am going to find it hard to part with some of her favourite outfits that she wore regularly - but they're of no use to her now . Some other young girl may as well get some use out of them, so I guess I'll let them go eventually.

You are braver than me bigbluebus.
I can't face sorting out his clothes.
Dd has taken a couple of his Tshirts and hoodies back to university with her. I know he would have been happy for her to have them.
But it just breaks my heart. I can't deal with it just yet.

Hello my friends. So sorry I havent posted for a long time. 'Life' has got in the way! Hope you are all ok. xxx

Oh Shiney. I know.
Some people (who really ought to have more sensitivity) say the most upsetting things.

I am just beginning to pack away Ds's things. It is so, so hard.
It feels so disrespectful to go through his belongings, but I need to tidy his room and put his clothes and personal belongings away. I can't just leave it all to get dusty.

It has been 9 months and I miss him every minute of every day.
I still feel on the edge of tears all the time.

Hello, I hope it's ok for me to join in here, I'm fairly new.
I have very recently gone through a stillbirth, my son was full term (just over 38 weeks).
I feel like I'm struggling to process everything at the moment, I don't know how to move forward or even begin to try. I'm very down, obviously, and I feel so desperate to have my child back, it's as if there is now a massive void in my life.
I don't really know what else to say, this morning isn't a good morning :(

Sometimes I look at his photograph and just have a moment of total panic. I still can't believe it has happened

I can't believe that it's 6 months today that our DD took her last breath as we held her hands and kissed her goodbye. My life has been so empty without her. She was my life. She needed care 24/7 and I was her primary carer, so whilst DH has thrown himself back into work and his sport and DS is busy studying and planning his next Uni venture, I am still in limbo. I don't know what to do with my future. I haven't worked for 17 years due to caring for DD so have no career or work experience. I need to find something to fill my time before I eat myself to ill health. I still have most of DDs things to sort through but can't face getting rid of it so just close the door on her room. I keep telling myself I will sort out some counselling and take it from there - but even that seems like a step too far at the moment. From the outside it looks like I'm functioning and moving on but on the inside that is far from the reality. Anyone have any tips on how they've moved forward in a similar position?

Thanks for your reply shiney. I do already do some volunteering and have kept that up. The difficulty is that some of it is very much linked in with DD and I have to make a decision about whether I want to continue with this - where the focus is very much on DD's difficulties throughout her life - or if I should make a completely clean break and move on in a different direction. Maybe some counselling will help me make that decision.

I'm sure it has been helpful that you have had to carry on for the sake of your other DC's but I watched the Rio Ferdinand programme that was on TV recently and it resonated with me (even though it was his wife he was mourning) that by being busy he was actually avoiding dealing with his grief (and that of his children). Also when Wills and Harry said it had taken them 20 years to realise they had not properly grieved for Diana. I think we compartmentalise things and that doesn't help us.

Can I ask how your friends react to you now - as you are further down the line than me. I am finding that even close friends are either avoiding talking about my DD or others (who have children with complex health needs) are including us but always with the proviso "we'll understand if you don't feel able to come" which makes we wonder if they will feel arkward about us being there and it might spoil the event for them. There have even been a couple of people who I think have deliberately avoided us in the street as they haven't seen us since DD died but I'm pretty sure that the news will have reached them in this one horse town!

I know what you mean about others with DCs with the same condition. I have a number of friends whose DC are similar in age to DD and who have know me for most of DD's life - it is DD's condition that brought us all together and put the children through the same school/clubs/respite/social gatherings. For many of them I'm sure they are thinking "it could have been us" as for some of them their child has been in a more precarious condition than our DD many times (although we've had our fair share of narrow escapes in the past) and they don't want to face up to the reality of it. I'm sure I would have felt the same if one of them had lost their DC before us. But they have been a huge part of our friendship group over the years when others (with NT children) have drifted away as the DC's got older and we had less in common. I don't want to lose contact but I guess every time they see me they a) don't know how to react and b) think about their future and when their turn will come .

As far as family are concerned, neither of my siblings are local so we don't see each other very often. Met with DB1 and his wife recently for lunch and they didn't mention my DD at all I'm not sure if that is because they didn't know how to or if it's because our only topics of conversation recently have been death and settlements of Estates as we lost our DF 3 years ago & DM 1 year ago as well as losing DD. Maybe they thought we should change the subject!

I think I need to formulate an action plan:
step 1: Bereavement counselling
Step 2: get a CV together - although it will be a little sparse. There is a job club locally who can help with this.
Step 3: Investigate training courses to acquire some new skills with a view to getting employment/ new volunteering roles
Step 4: Take up a new hobby
Step 5: Stop eating crap!

Hello everybody. So sorry to have not been on here for so long. It has been an odd year. Another year of struggling and missing my loved ones who are no longer here. Thinking of you all xxxxx

Action plan going very slowly. Phoned Cruse to arrange bereavement counselling and although they said the waiting list was about 3 weeks, it was 7 weeks before they put me in touch with a counsellor so only just had 1st session.

Almost a year.
This is my life now.
My world has become so small.
In the space of a few weeks I lost my career, my health and my son.
I don't know who I am any more.

I have no words to offer in support, but just want you to know that I care.

@Endoftheline I am so sorry for your sadness. I would like to hold you, offer you solidarity and try to displace some of the all consuming grief. Like Molly says, we care.

Thank you.
It is just so, so hard.

Endof......I totally, totally understand what you mean. Its been 35 years since one of my twin baby boys died and 25 years since my third son was killed by a reversing lorry. BUT today I have spent hours in tears. Its not either of their birthdays or anniversaries of their deaths.....its just hard. Nobody should have to lose a precious child. xx

Shabbs. You lost 2 children!
I am so, so sorry.
I cant even begin to comprehend what you have been through.
I have cried bitterly this evening because I just used the last of the lovely hand wash stuff that ds bought for me. I will never buy it for myself.
I miss him so much.

Yes, very sadly. I am lucky to have my surviving twin boy who is 35 and my lovely, suprise son who is 20. I found out I was having Tom on my 40th birthday....he was the biggest shock of our lives lol xx