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Bereavement

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My amazing DH is gone. How do I cope?

248 replies

IcanandIwill · 06/05/2012 23:49

Am totally worn out and emotionally exhausted. My story will be obvious to anyone who knows / recognises me. DH died suddenly three weeks ago. Two weeks ago I gave birth to our baby. I'm really looking for advice from anyone who has lost a partner. How on earth do you cope. I cannot get past the fact that he won't be coming back. It does not feel real and I can't accept it. How on earth do you get through the day / week / months?

OP posts:
everlong · 19/06/2012 19:59

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IcanandIwill · 19/06/2012 20:41

Thanks everlong there have been a lot of tears today. It sounds like you know what that's like Sad

He was bloody lovely and he was mine. I told him every day I loved him and knew I was lucky to have found him. I know he felt the same and that keeps me going.

OP posts:
bronze · 19/06/2012 21:14

He sounds like he was absolutely lovely.
I hope you get more sleep tonight

ouchmyfanjo · 19/06/2012 22:49

you have been in my thoughts today ican.hope you get a better night tonight.

IcanandIwill · 22/06/2012 09:51

Urgh. Mornings are always the worst. I'm sure the weather doesn't help I'm going to go and do something to try and make this a good day.

OP posts:
everlong · 22/06/2012 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IcanandIwill · 22/06/2012 20:29

It didn't turn out to be a great day but it was an ok day. DD had a friend over to play after school so that kept me busy.

Fridays are always hard. It marks another week without him Sad

OP posts:
IcanandIwill · 22/06/2012 20:30

10 bloody weeks. I miss you.

OP posts:
Somermummy1 · 22/06/2012 21:13

Hi ican - stumbled across your thread and couldn't go without saying how brave you ARE being and how amazingly proud your DH would be of you and how proud your DCs will be of you too. Can't begin to imagine what you're going through and can't offer any advice but just wanted to send you my love after reading. Have got through half a box of tissues and don't even know you. So very sorry for your loss xxxx

PollyLogos · 22/06/2012 21:47

so sorry to read your story Ican Sad

friendlymum67 · 24/06/2012 14:26

Ican - there's nothing I can add but I stumbled across your thread and just cried when I read it. I can only compare the loss of my dad (it will be 4 yrs on Thur) - he was my rock, especially since my husband left me.

I used to think - why is the rest of the world still going, when I feel like mine has ended? Be kind to yourself, there are no rights or wrongs for how you feel or what you do.

My heart goes out to you x

stmoritzsmells · 24/06/2012 23:20

ICan

I wanted to share something with you, after telling you that I'm so so sorry for the loss of your darling hubby and that I hope we can all give you some support on here.

My children's grandmother lost her soulmate, her husband, when her youngest boy out of the four she had, was 2 years old. he died in a fatal car crash and she was left a widow with absolutely no idea what to do or how to cope. My children's dad told me she had some very difficult times, some very awful times where she felt like she couldnt deal with the grief. She had hardly any family who could support her in this country and not that many friends who stepped up to the mark, and as a result she had to just deal with it and get on with things, bringing up her four boys the best she could.
15 years on, she is the doting grandmother to her 2 grandchildren, and the proud mother of four lovely, educated and good hearted sons, two have a degree, one is gifted, and the other works at a well known hotel in a job he enjoys. They absolutely adore their mother and won't hear a word against her, and they have the utmost respect for her because of all she went through to bring them up on her own. She has been through so much op, just like you, and she has come through it, she has come through the storm smiling and out the other side. There will be hard times, but have faith in yourself op, because I know, you know, and all the other bereaved people and mnetters know you can do this, you can get through it and you WILL make a success of your life and bringing up your baby.

As someone once said, there is always sunshine after rain xxx

IcanandIwill · 01/07/2012 20:30

So I'm still muddling along, making it up as I go. Struggling with a toddler who thinks Daddy is at work. To be honest I think I kid myself with that too. The last two weeks have been busy and that somehow makes it harder. Stuff we'd have done together. It's so lonely. He was my best friend.

I'm finding my middle one so hard to cope with. Her eating, sleeping, behaviour is all over the show. Who can blame her. Life has changed so dramatically. I don't understand it. Why should she?

OP posts:
homeaway · 01/07/2012 20:48

I dont know what to say to help you .... it is crap... one day at a time. xxxx

IcanandIwill · 01/07/2012 20:59

Thanks homeaway to be honest it helps to just get it out there!

OP posts:
chocolatemarzipan · 01/07/2012 21:02

Sorry you're struggling ican. My SIL swears by keeping busy but they still get down, it's not an instant fix. It's something you eventually learn to live with but it's still very new for you I guess. Thinking of you x

foofooyeah · 01/07/2012 23:57

Ican - Just wanted to send my condolences for your loss. I keep trying to add some practical advice but it all looks trite typed down. Keep taking as much help as you can. Look after yourself - try to eat properly - keep busy but take some time out (if possible) just for you. Hand the children over to someone else just for half an hour and take a walk or a bath and wallow in sadness, then shake it off and try to carry on.

Thinking of you

happyclapper · 02/07/2012 01:00

Ican, so sorry for your terrible loss. Life can be so cruel and unbearable but you ARE surviving and 1 day you will do more than just survive.
It may seem unimaginable at the moment and you probably don't even want to think that you will but one day you will be able to breath without feeling like your heart is broken.
I am sure your children will fill your life with love despite the huge grief you feel.
Your strength is do amazing just to be able to get through each day.
Am sending you many hugs and good wishes.

happyclapper · 02/07/2012 01:01

So not do.

homeaway · 02/07/2012 21:42

I have been thinking about you today, how are you ? I had an idea but i dont want to cause you anymore pain or distress but have you thought about making a scrap book with the kids with photos of the kids with daddy , they could maybe draw some pictures for him ??? Take care

IcanandIwill · 02/07/2012 22:10

Just having a bloody good cry. It's overwhelming just how much I miss him when I actually let myself stop and think about it.

Thanks homeaway I think that's a lovely idea. I've already started collecting things in a box and think a scrap book is a great plan.

I've got my first appointment with Cruse tomorrow. I've never had any counselling before and have no idea what to expect. I don't know if now is the right time for me but we'll see.

OP posts:
homeaway · 03/07/2012 12:30

Better to let it all out than try and keep it in. Hope the counselling goes well , all you can do is try it and see. Would it work for the kids to each have their own book, so that they have something of their own they can add to over time ? You must be pulled in so many directions with the kids.

foofooyeah · 03/07/2012 12:49

Hope your Cruse appt is helpful, I have hear good things about them. And as homeawya says: let it all out.

IcanandIwill · 03/07/2012 13:04

So the appointment was ok. I talked a lot and did come away feeling like a bit of the weight had lifted. I'm exhausted though! Think I'm going to sit and have a cuppa!

OP posts:
treedelivery · 03/07/2012 13:25

Hello. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. The love between you is palpable.

I had counselling for something else entirely, but I wanted to say that if you can organise any help or babysitting for the evening after a session, it might help. I was always on my knees with tiredness and washed out feelings. I needed sleep sleep sleep. Also some space and some down time.

You might prefer to be amongst your babies though, so as always it is horses for courses. My advice is to not underestimate just how exhausting counselling is. In some ways, it should be. Exhaustion is a sign you are commiting, working and dealing with the feelings you need to.

But be kind to yourself as it is hard work. Bless you.