My amazing DH is gone. How do I cope?

[IcanandIwill]

Am totally worn out and emotionally exhausted. My story will be obvious to anyone who knows / recognises me. DH died suddenly three weeks ago. Two weeks ago I gave birth to our baby. I'm really looking for advice from anyone who has lost a partner. How on earth do you cope. I cannot get past the fact that he won't be coming back. It does not feel real and I can't accept it. How on earth do you get through the day / week / months?

Dealing with paperwork today. It's weird how easy it is to be matter of fact about this side of things. It kind of feels like you are talking about someone else's life and not your own. I guess this is when you realise that none of this really matters anyway.

Hi Ican, yes all the trivial stuff goes out of the window and to be honest thats one of the positive things that came out of my partners sudden death was how insignificant bills and all that stuff is! Plus i could not bear to watch things like The Jeremy Kyle show, all those idiots arguing about nothing, still wont watch them now. Thinking of you and hope your having an ok sortof day.xx

Thanks marmon today was ok. I know that my husband already knew that life's paperwork really wasn't what mattered and I guess he was definitely right.

I know what you mean about Jeremy Kyle and the like, you just want to tell them to get over it. I do find that I'm really impatient in banks and the like, get sort of panicky and palpitations if I have to wait for too long. I also hate the look on people's faces when you tell them. I feel like saying "yes I know it's shit but can we just get in with this". Unfair of me I know, they probably just don't know what to say but weirdly I just don't want them feeling sorry for me, help me by all means but don't feel sorry for me.

My little boy is really growing now. He's a real cutie and is amazing to cuddle when it all gets too much.

Oh bless you, yeah the children really do save you dont they? When it gets overwhelming they get you up in the morning and stop you from going under!
Peoples reaction is shock as losing your partner in pregnancy is quite rare (thank goodness) they just dont know how to react. Like you i used to get quite anxious about it and did not want to be "that tragic woman" but over time you care less and less what others think.
At least you are doing the trivial things and functioning, it feels like your in a fog but well done to you for carrying on with it all.
The thing that sticks in my mind from that time is the way my brain couldnt understand how the rest of the world was carrying on. Its weird to explain but i just felt that everyone should have stopped and felt sad with me but life goes on around you and it felt bizarre.
Anyway i apologise for rambling its just stuff is coming back to me, its hard to believe cause you are in the thick of it and in hell at the moment but you do forget stuff, and just remember the good times you had together, and you can look back and smile. It seems impossible but you will get there. Take care and speak soon.xx

Thanks marmon I'm so grateful for the help, support and advice from others who have been in this situation. I can't imagine it's easy looking back, I also can't imagine that the feeling of loss ever leaves you, so I am so grateful that you are able to talk about it and help me.

I am so determined not to be "that tragic woman" and don't want my beautiful children to be viewed like that either. They had an amazing Daddy and I owe it to him to do my very, very best for them.

It's crazy. I've just looked around my room. I have my beautiful newborn asleep in his Moses basket and then all my paperwork to do with his Dads death scattered around me and Im sat here looking things up to do with death and probate. You just think I'm 34, had a wonderful husband and a normal but very happy life, I should not be doing this.

Thanks marmon I'm so grateful for the help, support and advice from others who have been in this situation. I can't imagine it's easy looking back, I also can't imagine that the feeling of loss ever leaves you, so I am so grateful that you are able to talk about it and help me.

I am so determined not to be "that tragic woman" and don't want my beautiful children to be viewed like that either. They had an amazing Daddy and I owe it to him to do my very, very best for them.

It's crazy. I've just looked around my room. I have my beautiful newborn asleep in his Moses basket and then all my paperwork to do with his Dads death scattered around me and Im sat here looking things up to do with death and probate. You just think I'm 34, had a wonderful husband and a normal but very happy life, I should not be doing this.

Yes your right the feeling of loss never goes away but it comes become part of you and they live on through your children and by talking about them. I was 31 when Ray died so similar age, its so tough Ican. Where do you live? Or is there someway I could privately give you my number so we could talk? Then you can pour your heart out to someone who knows exactly what your going through. I was directed to women through the WAY organisation and to talk to a couple who had lost husbands in pregnancy was a lifeline. Also there's a woman who lost her husband when she was 7 months pregnant in the World Trade Center and she wrote an amazing book. But if you want to talk personally then let's find a way. Try to enjoy the sun and the day as much as you can with your children and speak later.xx

marmon have just sent you a PM.

Today has been a rollercoaster. Am pretty exhausted now and hoping to get some sleep. Some days it all just gets too much and I'm ready to switch off from it all when bedtime comes around.

Horrible morning. Such a beautiful day outside and all I can do is think about what we would be doing if he was here. I miss him so much and can't see how I'll be able to cope without him. I just don't want to cope without him. I want him here.

Oh sweetheart, it's just so bloody unfair. Everytime I catch up with your thread I end up in floods of tears, I can feel your pain pouring out of your posts, I just want to hug you. Of course all you want is him back :( He should be here!!

You do feel as though people 'expect' you to 'be coping' and 'be over the worst of it' incredibly quickly. I don't know if they do or not, but tbh I think many of them actually do, until something similar happens to them and they realise how completely life changing it is, how you will never be the same person again. To be fair, unless they have lost a partner/child/younger parent then they really can't understand it, no matter how they think they would feel :(

I wish I could bring him back for you... I really do. Sadly all I can do if offer you some understanding and lots of love.

Thanks chipping

Today was a strange day. I went to visit the site he died. I wasn't ready before and didn't think I would want to ever. But I started to feel that I needed to do it. To understand really, to see where my very best friend spent his last moments. I don't know if it's helped in any way. I supposfe it has some how. But it all adds to the feeling that he's slipping away from me slowly and I hate that. I don't want to feel like I'm losing him even more.

chipping you are right that it feels as if people think you should be moving on. But I'm no further on with this than I was six weeks ago when it happened. I don't know when I ever will be.

I have been in touch with Cruse about counselling and they hope that they can get me someone quite soon. I'm not sure if / how they can help, I'd be interested to hear others experience of counselling.

On a positive note, our little boy is putting on weight and really looking more and more like his daddy

Hi Ican, I had counselling with CRUSE but I waited a few months. The reason I waited to get counselling was I felt way to much in shock in the early days and couldn't really take anything in. It was once the shock wore off and reality kicked in that I felt I needed professional help. Plus the phone had stopped ringing as far as friends and family went, as you say they expect you to be over it and normal life resumes for them very quickly.
My counsellor was fantastic and made me feel at ease and being a widow herself was really empathic. Plus she let me know I wasn't going mad and that I was going through the natural process of grieving.
Do you have a close friend or relative you can talk too? How about your husbands family? Like I said in my PM to you, you are welcome to call me and you can pour your heart out. Anyway take care and good to hear your little boy is thriving.x

Feel like screaming today. All I want is my old life back. Our old life back. Surely that's not too much to ask. But I know that can't happen.

Lovely to hear that DS is doing well :)

Was it a car accident?

Going back to the site is an odd feeling - but one of those things that most of us end up doing. I don't think you feel better or worse for doing it, just 'different' and it's another piece of the puzzle.

With regard to friends/family feeling like you 'should be over it/dealing with it/moving on' or whatever, I think a large part of that comes from them not knowing what else to say. They have said everything they can think of and just run out of things to say... if you feel anything like I did, (it wasn't my DH I lost) you start to become self conscious of saying 'I just want him back' and you 'think' they must be as fed up of hearing it as you are of saying it... it's hard. However, you have found people here who understand - say it as many times as you need to, for as long as you need to - we're all here to listen, even when we can't say anything new/different/helpful, sometimes you just need to be heard x

I haven't been to any counselling. I didn't/don't have the money to do it privately and didn't have the energy to find any free counselling. I imagine it will be very helpful though.

I know, it doesn't seem like much to ask for does it - just things as they were :( It is hard to see other people - husbands, Dads with their kids, families... it hurts and you just want yours back... it is truely shit and unfair :(

Ican - how are you this morning? I have read all your posts and feel so sad that your heart is breaking. You sound like an amazing woman and you are doing so well to keep going and still care for your little ones.Your DH would be so proud of you I'm sure.
I don't have loads to offer you in the way of advice-only what has helped me through some tough times.....
Its really ok to bawl your eyes out-everyone deserves to be able to show just how much it hurts and to mourn the one they loved most.Eventually there are less and less heartwrenching sobbing moments and more gentle,calm but incredibly sad tears.I'm not certain you ever really stop crying altogether.

Get bloody angry sometimes - life is so unfair and you ,your DH and your lovely family didn't deserve this.Use that anger to fire you up even if it's just enough to get through another day.

Think about what your DH would want you to do and his legacy.It's such early days for you - and whilst it's overwhelming now ,you ultimately know how your DH would want the children raised and what he would encourage you to do for yourself. Start really small- even if it's just eating Daddy's favourite food and talking about it ,going to places that you both loved, talking about him and using his name like you normally would. I know it's so, so painful ,but after a while there is some comfort in that familiarity I think - perhaps these sorts of things can help you still feel connected to him.

Keep breathing,eating,going through the motions.Put one foot in front of the other-life has to carry on whether we like it or not. Keep going,you're made of strong stuff.

And I know this is a bit twee, but remember, he didn't want to go. If he could have stayed he would have and he loves you and the children as much as he always did.

I'm sending you lots and lots of love and hugs .If there is anything I can do PM me and I'll do anything to help.Stay strong.x

As I normally say its been a tough few days. I really feel like its getting harder to cope not easier. I have moments when i think I'm doing ok and functioning but then I'm overwhelmed with everything. I miss him so much and think I'm still not accepting he's not coming back. I suppose that's because I don't want to accept it.

I've busied myself with the practical things the last few days, dealing with paperwork, sorting the house. But all the time I keep thinking I shouldn't be doing this.

I have had positive moments in the last few days such as a real overwhelming urge to protect my little girl and then a lovely time reading her bedtime stories. But then there are really, really crap dark moments when I want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world. I actually feel like I can't do this without him, that I don't want to be doing this without him. But I know he'd want me to be doing it, so I'm damn well going to.

chipping yes it was a car crash. I had no interest in visiting the spot at all until recently. I suppose now I'm starting to ask the how and why questions. It made it all the more real he's not coming home and then that really knocked me.

default you are so right about thinking about what he would want and his legacy. That's one of the things that is getting me through (?) this. Thinking about what he would want me to do and also thinking what he would do if it was the other way around, also thinking what I would want if the tables were turned. Oh, and thank you for reminding me that he loves us, sometimes I think so much about how much I love him that I forget the feeling was mutual.

If it's any consolation at all - I felt the same. As the shock wore off it got harder & harder and it felt longer and longer since I'd seen him and I suppose the reality began (in some very very tiny way) to settle in my mind that he wasn't coming back... no matter how much I cried, no matter how much I pleaded - he wasn't coming back and it felt much worse :( I felt desperate.

Of course you don't want to accept it :(

I know what you mean about keeping busy and dealing with the paperwork (oh the bloody paperwork), dealing with the idiots that end calls with 'have a nice day' after you have just sobbed down the phone at them, people that insist they need to speak to the person

Thank you all so much.

Did my first family party today without him. It was awful. Lovely christening and I became a godmother to a beautiful little boy. But being in a crowded room without my partner in crime, the person who looked out for me, or was off playing with his girls was horrible. The church service really hurt. It was a beautiful service but I spent most of it in tears.

I've totally avoided the Jubilee celebrations as I know we would have done something as a family for it and I just couldn't face it.

There is this awful dawning of reality. People planning for the future and it's hard, really hard. It's like I know he's not going to be part of my future in the same way.

Just off to put baby to bed. Will write more later.

So it's the middle of the night. We're away from home. Baby poorly, DD2 poorly. Im cross I have to deal with this myself. Just want a cuddle

Of course you are cross you have to deal with this by yourself, it isn't fair. Life really is crap sometimes.

My DSis lost her husband in an accident. It was really awful. The shock and dealing with the aftermath of paperwork, etc. All the platitudes and cliches.

I hope it gets easier for you, it has been about 10 years now for my sister and whilst the first few months and year were terrible for her, it did get better.

IcanandIwill, I'm so sorry you're going through this - my first husband died suddenly, but we had no children, so your situation is far, far harder.

I don't think I can say much to help (I'm crap at this!) & you might've got to sleep by now, but I couldn't not post. Sending unmumsnetty

I'm still awake but DD is asleep on my lap, her big sister is awake but hopefully going back off to sleep and my wonderful mum has been and taken the baby.

Times like this are the hardest. We just used to go into autopilot when dealing with sick little ones. Now it's all down to me and I'm finding it hard to find the strength.

I have just read this thread and I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. I cannot add any of my own experience but just wanted to say that I am also awake with poorly children and here if you want to 'talk'.