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Bereavement

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My amazing DH is gone. How do I cope?

248 replies

IcanandIwill · 06/05/2012 23:49

Am totally worn out and emotionally exhausted. My story will be obvious to anyone who knows / recognises me. DH died suddenly three weeks ago. Two weeks ago I gave birth to our baby. I'm really looking for advice from anyone who has lost a partner. How on earth do you cope. I cannot get past the fact that he won't be coming back. It does not feel real and I can't accept it. How on earth do you get through the day / week / months?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 07/05/2012 00:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgie22 · 07/05/2012 01:20

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine how you feel at this moment with those 2 opposing emotions - the joy of meeting your child but also that huge sadness and loss that your dh won't be coming back. The loss will become easier to bear in time but you will never forget him and you never should. I'm sure that at some point in the future you will look at your beautiful baby and see that your dh lives on there and that will be a comfort to you. I'd second what other people have suggested - accept all the help you're offered and take care of yourself; your dh would want you to do that. Taking up bereavement counselling is a good suggestion - you need help to get through this but you will do it in time. Sending hugs xx.

QOD · 07/05/2012 03:06

oh mate. one of of my dear friends could have posted this 3yrs ago. things do get better, easier, more normal.
its not been easy, she almost lost her dad but his heart attack happened in front of a nurse so he made it. her grandmother was also killed in an accident. things have still got better.
have you other children?
I know its such early days, but really, there is light.

there's a lot of support on here, there is support out there. take what you can.

x

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 07/05/2012 04:40

I hope you are managing to get some sleep.

It is an awful, awful thing you are going through, but you will get through it. This intense grief does pass, even though right now it feels like it wont :(

There are quite a few lovely MNers who have (sadly) been in the same or a similar position to you - I am sure more of them will post tomorrow... and I am sure that all of them will tell you will get through this and although you don't ever 'get over it' you do learn to live alongside it :( x

Lots of love & strength
Chippy
x

Jellybellyrbest · 07/05/2012 05:12

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I have a newborn & can't magine doing this without DH. Have no experience to offer advice but wanted to offer my condolences.

COCKadoodledooo · 07/05/2012 05:52

Oh my goodness Ican, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. Am so very sorry for your loss.

robino · 07/05/2012 06:01

I can offer no advice but I am so truly sorry for your loss. X

AngryBeaver · 07/05/2012 06:34

Oh my love. I am so sorry. I have no practical advice, but couldn't not post. Try to enjoy your baby and let those around care for you both .Sending much love to you xxxx

Flightty · 07/05/2012 06:46

Yes it will get less painful, it will always be there but it will gradually get sort of numb...so that you can get through the days without feeling that your heart is breaking every other moment.

It will take some time, perhaps a lot of time but yes it will get easier for you, sweetheart.

I am really sorry for what has happened xx

giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 07/05/2012 07:04

so sorry xx

EssentialFattyAcid · 07/05/2012 07:34

Sudden death is very shocking. I am not surprised that you have yet to reconcile yourself that he is not coming back.

There are stages of grief to travel through and I don't know if you are getting any help from a bereavement counsellor? Having a new baby is physically draining of itself, and I imagine that she must be an amazing comfort on the one hand and an acute reminder on the other of what you have lost. As others have said, take all the help you can.

Although your dh will not physically come back to you, he is with you all the time.

everlong · 07/05/2012 08:19

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 07/05/2012 08:21

So sorry Ican. I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you are experiencing Sad

IcanandIwill · 07/05/2012 09:08

Thanks all. I did manage some sleep. Let's see what today brings. Advice and support is very much appreciated.

OP posts:
EssentialFattyAcid · 07/05/2012 09:13

Keep going, Ican, things do not stay the same
xx

Rindercella · 07/05/2012 09:13

ICan, firstly I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I am a year down the line from you, although my DDs were 3 and 1 when DH died. I want to tell you that it does get easier, and sometimes it is. Sometimes though I still feel like I can't breathe, like I will never stop crying. But of course I do - I draw a breath, my tears can stop as suddenly as they started, my children come along and do or say something to make me smile.

The following, days, weeks, months, years even are going to be so hard and the only advice I can give to you is to just be very, very gentle on yourself and take one tiny step at a time. Crying doesn't matter, it doesn't show weakness (sometimes when people saw me cry, particularly older relatives, they told me I had to be strong, as if by crying I was somehow weak).

Go with your emotions, I know I felt so many different, conflicting things would come into my head one after the other, competing for my focus. Just go with it and recognise what has happened is a really, really big thing. Your life has changed forever; all the hopes and dreams and plans you had for the future sadly have to change. It will be different for you, impossible sometimes but you will somehow cope and come to a point where you can start to embrace the things you have, and look back on the precious time you had with DH before you lost him.

Counselling can come in time. Cruse normally have a 6 week plus waiting list and you can see if your GP can refer you too. There's loads of help out there, but just be gentle on yourself and realise you don't have to do any of this immediately.

Use all the resources around you to help. Just do the absolute essentials yourself (I know with death comes an awful lot of crap with paperwork, etc). Mostly, look after yourself and your tiny baby as best you can. And please, please don't be hard on yourself. You don't have to conquer anything at the moment.

A couple more things. Congratulations on your baby...it seems really odd saying that on this thread, but having your baby is an amazing, lovely thing and I hope your baby does bring you joy. I used MN a lot when DH was first diagnosed with cancer, in the year we lived with the illness and then when he died. There is a huge amount of experience, love and support on here. Use it. And when you're ready, I would love to hear more about your DH and what made him so amazing. Smile

A massive, huge hug to you. xxxx

ACoiledThing · 07/05/2012 09:23

How sad. Please take good care of yourself and allow yourself all the time you need to cope with the emotions that must be whirring round in your head right now. I honestly can't imagine how you are feeling but I have struggled in the past with the death of a close family member. There is no right or wrong in these situations - you must take each day as it comes and try and be accepting of the emotions that come. Rindercella makes excellent sense and she sounds like a fantastically strong person. This is a great place to talk and, as she says, use it - people do care so much. Big hugs and kisses to you and your baby xxxx

sybilfaulty · 07/05/2012 09:29

I am very sorry to hear this. Take all the help you can and allow yourself time to get over the shock, both of losing your husband so suddenly and having a newborn. I hope you have good RL support.

My love, prayers and best wishes are coming your way. Thinking of you all. Take care.

MrsGypsy · 07/05/2012 09:55

I can it will get better, and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just the tunnel is really very long, and right now it feels as though nothing can ever get better.

I lost my DH when I was 29, and he was 31. He died very suddenly of a heart attack. The shock of it threw me off course for a VERY long time. I stumbled around for a good couple of months before I started functioning in any kind of normal way.

So here's the thing - expect to feel numb, overwhelmingly sad, depressed, desperate, lonely and hopeless. It's normal. Give yourself a couple of months to feel this. It's grief, and it's your way of expressing all the love that you have for your DH. I can recommend counselling - I did it, and it really helped me see that I would be able to manage again. And that's all I wanted. Not another love. Not another relationship (at that stage), I just wanted reassurance that I would be able to cope.

I set myself little targets. No crying after I had put mascara on - mustn't look a mess. No crying after I left the house to go to work (that didn't always work - I was often still snivelling in the office car park, and had to do a make up repair job).

I found it helped knowing that there were others like me. A couple of years ago I discovered this website: www.merrywidow.me.uk/ and I wish it had been around when I first lost DH. Try it - talk to others in the same boat. And difficult as it might seem, take comfort in your beautiful baby.

It will get better, I promise. I've been there, and eventually, even I came out the other side.

IcanandIwill · 08/05/2012 20:02

Thanks again for the advice, love and support. Have been in bed for last two days with an infection I just can't shake off. Been to GP again today so will hopefully be on the mend soon.

I've been thinking about counselling but I guess it's too early yet. But really do feel this may help me in the future. When did others find this helpful?

The days are long and am totally exhausted at the end of each one. But my boy and his big sisters do give me something to smile about each and every day. Plus am very lucky with fab friends and family. It doesn't stop the aching pain in my heart. But it does get me through each day.

OP posts:
SodThat · 08/05/2012 21:02

oh my goodness, i am so sorry to hear your terribly sad news. I am sure with the love of your family and friends, you will all get through this. xx

PoohBearsHole · 08/05/2012 21:08

xxxxx

I really don't know what else to say, but you are strong, you will be strong, you have a beautiful new baby and lovely girls.

xxxxx

chinam · 08/05/2012 21:44

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

piratecat · 08/05/2012 21:46

oh my gosh, you poor love. I am so so sorry for your loss.

I don't know how you will, i only know that you will. xx

Lilyloo · 08/05/2012 21:52

I am so very sorry to read your tragic news , congratulations on the birth of your baby xx