My amazing DH is gone. How do I cope?

[IcanandIwill]

Am totally worn out and emotionally exhausted. My story will be obvious to anyone who knows / recognises me. DH died suddenly three weeks ago. Two weeks ago I gave birth to our baby. I'm really looking for advice from anyone who has lost a partner. How on earth do you cope. I cannot get past the fact that he won't be coming back. It does not feel real and I can't accept it. How on earth do you get through the day / week / months?

I was in a similar situation when I was 30yrs. It is hard - there are no quick solutions.
The things that helped me the most were firstly writing it all down. I expect that you are finding that you can't do the simplest thing like watch TV or read a book because your mind just goes over events and your life together. I just emptied every single thought- however small-on to paper. It took 3 nights. I then read it through and tore it up. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to read it because it was literally everything, but I felt better having let it all out and clarified things.
Secondly - stop looking ahead. Go no further than one week with the aim of getting through it. Try to have something to do each day - even if it is only the baby clinic.
Thirdly- try and find other people in the same boat - that was the life saver for me. They knew exactly what it was like and they were living it.
I tried Cruse but they were older. Now there is an online one for young widows- I will find the link and get back.
You do get through the pain and nothing takes away the good memories- but not much consolation at the moment.
I'm so sorry - it isn't anything I would wish on anyone.

Here is the link Way foundation I have no personal experience of them, they were not around when I was widowed. I think it too early now, but you might like to think about it later.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I lost my mum when my youngest was 6 weeks old and I'm sure having a little one accentuated the grief. It was hard - as you say, it felt so wright dealing with probate paperwork with a newborn sleeping. I had my well woman check up the day after my mum died and somehow managed to keep it together by focusing on practical arrangements.

It does get easier. For the first few months I broke down several times a day and couldn't see a photo of my mum without wanting to scream. Now I can smile, and the pain is still there but much less raw.

The change for me came at about 6 months, until then I realise now, I was depressed or suffering from extreme shock at the horror of the way my mum died. I had a reiki session shortly before my mum's birthday which seemed to help too.

I'm so very sorry, it must be so difficult, especially the constant unexpected reminders and realisations of what you and your little one have lost - that probably hit me hardest - but it will get better.

*wrong, not wright

Thanks for the messages. Just spent an hour sitting in a beer garden, sobbing into my drink. Then my eldest hurt herself and I can feel my ability to cope crumbling. If it wasn't for my mum and sister I wouldn't still be standing. God it's hard. I really, really want to be ok, to make my husband proud and do the very very best for our children but I feel wrapped up in my own personal grief and can't see a way out of it.

Hello my dear, this is all completely to be expected. Why are berating yourself and saying you want to be OK? How can you possibly be OK?

I lost my entire family about 6 years ago. Not the same as your situation, I was abused as a child and tried to keep it together, but it wouldnt hold and eventually I gave up. I remember the pain in my chest, my heart chakra I said, it was like my heart ached in my chest.

The grief probably lasted about 2 years. It helped that, when a wave would come over me, I would let it out (took about 2 hrs each time) and then pick myself up and carry on.

Can you enlist childcare for your elder children, allowing yourself time to grieve? Also ring the Samaritans when you need to talk and talk and talk and there isn't anyone there.

x

God I hate the middle of the night. A necessary evil with a new baby but it feels so lonely. I keep asking myself why it had to be us. We haven't done anything to deserve this. I just keep expecting my life to go back to normal and it's not going to.

Hi Ican. I'm up. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Your thread popped up again as threads I am on as I commented before about my DSis. I am in a different time zone, so am not awake in the middle of the night.

Your comment about "why it had to be us", resonated with me. My DS2 has a rare neurological disorder which we discovered when he was a few months old. That is the question that I kept asking myself and probably still do sometimes. I think I even said to people "it wasn't supposed to happen to us" "these things happen to other people". I have a huge extended family and fortunately aside from the death of my DBIL nothing medical has ever really happened to our family. I know it is ridiculous of course horrible things happen to everyone, it's the great leveler, we are all human after all. Accidents (of genetics in our case) and car accidents just happen. Life happens. It's rubbish.

I am sorry you are going through this, plus all the hormones of a new baby as well. It can't be easy on any level. Just know, that people are thinking of you, even if I am a random stranger on the internet.

Thanks humble You are right, you just expect these things to happen to other people. Love to your DD. I don't know about you but I look at what's happening to my little family and it feels like someone else's life, even like a dream that I keep expecting to wake up from.

Sorry humble DS2 not DD

Yes, I know what you mean about "someone else's life". A Dr at GOSH said to us when we were given the diagnosis. Welcome to a whole new family of people. I guess what he meant was there is a whole load of people who have suffered/are suffering/experiencing life in a different way and you are completely oblivious.

It's funny though, I wonder if people look at my family differently. Probably how I looked at other families who had losses, SN children, cancer ridden parents, etc. before, with a mixture of sympathy and horror and maybe dare I say relief, you know, that it wasn't them. I can't say I ever thought too deeply about it. I had my own worries you know just the mundane ones ... DS1 being a pain in the bottom, husband not listening, etc.

Sorry, I am probably not making too much sense. I guess what I am saying is that there is a lot of people going through a whole lot of stuff, which I never paused to think about before. When life throws up something unexpected crap then it makes you stop and think a bit more.

It certainly does humble I always thought I was quite an empathetic person before but am now much more aware of others suffering. To think that awful things like this happen to other families every day is horrific. To think of all that pain makes me so sad. One of the amazing things in all of this is that it's those who have been through such pain are willing to provide support and help.

My DSis lost her husband 9 months before 9/11. I remember her writing to a woman who had lost her husband at the WTC. She never would have thought to have done that before she lost her DH. Not that DSis is a selfish person. It would have been just so far removed from her sphere of thinking.

I am sure you are an empathetic person. I think your senses are heightened now as you are going through such an emotional time. You are probably being the rock for your children and your parents and your DH's family as well. I know the pressure of that for DSis was a lot on top of everything she was feeling. I guess you have to live through these overwhelming feelings to get through to the other side.

8 weeks ago today. How can time feel like it stands still. I hate this. I miss my lovely, geeky, grumpy, coffee drinking, cuddly, smiley and loving husband.

Oh Ican, I'm spectacularly shit with words but have just stumbled across your thread and didn't want to leave your last post unanswered til someone better with expressing what they want to say came along.

Saying that I'm posting in between catching poorly DD's sick in a bowl (classy) so by the time I hit post hopefully that person will be here.

Very in-MN hugs for you, without sounding patronising I hope, please look after yourself. xx

I just wanted to say that I am so very sorry for your loss. Your post has moved me to tears. My DD is 13 weeks old so thoughts of you dealing with a newborn on a daily basis under such circumstances is heartbreaking.
I wondered where you are in the country and apologise if this has already been asked. I'm sure there are many of us that would love to be able to offer more practical support and friendship if you are close enough.
Lots of love to you and your children. Xxx

God bless you. :(

ICan, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this. I lost my mother as a child and so many of your comments ring true, not least how incredibly terrifying loss like this is. I remember being told I had to stop crying so much, and being so upset all the time. My form tutor told me I had to stop talking to my friends about it (they disagreed). I would howl that I wanted her back and patronising adults who had, I suspect, never experienced such immense loss would tell me that I had to stop thinking like that because it wouldn't happen. But there was really nothing else in the world that I wanted. I remember five years after she died bursting into tears on the street because I realised that for the first time ever I wouldn't give up everything to have her back for ten minutes. She also died very suddenly so I had never said goodbye and we'd be arguing when she died. It took years to forgive myself for that and I'm so glad you told your DH you loved him every day.

I can't imagine your pain but it will ease. You won't notice it but ever so gradually life will be more bearable.

Hello Ican - just sending you lots of love and good wishes. Hope you're ok.

Struggling today. Fathers Day stuff seems to be everywhere. My eldest made a beautiful card at school saying how much we all miss daddy and telling him about her brother. It broke my heart. I was already missing him so much today. It's a good thing that she is vocalising her feelings but so god damn hard.

I've been throwing myself into sorting the house since we got back from our trip but there is only so long you can hide from the feelings. Urgh. Just needed to get that off my chest.

Yes, of course - Father's Day must be so difficult. I hope you can find a way of making it bearable for you and your DC. Your eldest sounds wonderful and it really will help her long term. Are you planning to do anything to mark the day? x

I think so. It's important to me that they knew their daddy loved them. If we mark it this year then hopefully we'll all carry on doing that. I was thinking of letting off some balloons for him (the children did this at his funeral). I think I'll ask DD1 tomorrow what she'd like to do. Any ideas are welcome!

Just to let you know that I'm thinking of you. 8 weeks is such a short time, and your emotions must still be very raw. Letting off balloons is a lovely idea. I also take my children to my mum's grave on significant dates and my daughter brings home a flower from the bouquet. I hope the day isn't too difficult for you.