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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My amazing DH is gone. How do I cope?

248 replies

IcanandIwill · 06/05/2012 23:49

Am totally worn out and emotionally exhausted. My story will be obvious to anyone who knows / recognises me. DH died suddenly three weeks ago. Two weeks ago I gave birth to our baby. I'm really looking for advice from anyone who has lost a partner. How on earth do you cope. I cannot get past the fact that he won't be coming back. It does not feel real and I can't accept it. How on earth do you get through the day / week / months?

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 08/05/2012 21:55

There are those on this thread who have been (almost) where you are and know of what they speak. I am not one, but having seen their experiences from a distance I would say hold tight both to RL family and friends and to MN - and if it helps to think of DH ridiculing your MN addiction, do it. You will come through, and so will all your gorgeous DC.

topknob · 08/05/2012 21:56

so sorry to read this, sending lots of love your way xx

ReelAroundTheFountain · 08/05/2012 22:01

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

My best friend lost her husband a few years ago very suddenly, she found this site useful. It will get easier to deal with. Hugs for you and your children x

BellaVita · 08/05/2012 22:05

I am so sorry x

mamij · 08/05/2012 22:15

I'm sorry I can't help. But couldn't read and not reply.

Hold your baby close and feel the love radiating from you both. Rest when your baby sleeps - you will need your strength to look after you both.

Lots of hugs. x

BIWItheBold · 08/05/2012 22:17

I'm so very sorry to hear your sad news
x

Sunshinenow · 08/05/2012 22:18

I am sorry for your loss. It will get more bearable. X

ChickensHaveNoLips · 08/05/2012 22:24

So very sorry for your loss xxx

NoodieRoodie · 08/05/2012 22:25

you learn to live.

Although I didn't have children I was widowed at 27 and Reel got there before me with the link.

You never forget but life gets easier,
xx

chipmonkey · 09/05/2012 12:00

Oh, love!

My dh is alive and kicking but I have lost a child. 7 months in and it's getting easier, we are getting on with our lives. I have days when I can think of her without crying and days when I don't want to get up.
One food in front of the other and don't forget to breathe. You will get great support here.

monstertufts · 09/05/2012 14:06

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It sounds as if you have been unbelievably strong already, coping with childbirth without your DH. Congratulations on the birth of your baby. You have your husband's child, so you will never truly lose him.

I don't have anything useful to say to you, except that your story reminded me of that of the actress Natascha McElhone, who lost her husband when she was pregnant with their child. I read an interview with her a while back and just looked it up for you, in case it helps: www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/10/bereavement-family

Much more recently, I saw her interviewed on TV, and she is such a strong, intelligent woman. I remember being amazed that anyone could survive what she had and still be so together and purposeful and 'un-lost'. But she has, and others have, and so will you.

Sending you hugs. xx

zeno · 09/05/2012 16:37

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Our four year old daughter died suddenly a few weeks before her little sister was born. It seems obscene to have death and birth so close together. We are almost four years on now, and it does get easier.

One thing I'm grateful for is that I can't remember much now about the early months. I worried a lot about bonding with our younger daughter, coming to us in the middle of this great trauma. It's hard to make room for it to begin with. I worked hard at not fretting about it and just letting time pass while getting through one day at a time. I remember giving up bf very early because I just couldn't cope, which was a good decision.

Having a new baby is a blessing and a curse at a time like this - you can't lick your wounds in a corner, you have to keep going. That can be positive, but you also have to keep carving out a little bit of time for yourself to howl about the injustice of it.

Friends and family will help keep you standing, and scrape you up off the floor on the days when you can't manage it. Lean on them all you can. Don't be hard on yourself when parenting is less than optimal.

Sending love and strength.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2012 22:10

i am so sorry for your loss :(

i like rinders lost a dh just over a year ago - (3days apart and she is my silver lining as if our dh's hadnt have died then we wouldnt have met) and sometimes you need to take positives out of a sad event tho the difference is with you and her and me, is that my dh committed suicide

other difference is that we were childless but had been trying for 3 years and about to start ivf - so a double whammy that i may never be a mum but your baby will give you the strength to go on

i ranted on here and fb and the first prob 6mths were hell, my whole world was torn apart and my heart literally felt it had been shattered into a million pieces but i can promise you that things do get easier, though when people told me that in the early weeks/months i thought what total bullshit

a year on i have started to see a man, some may feel this is too early, but till a person has walked in your shoes they have no right to judge - who knows what will happen, but he has made me smile again

counselling did me the world of good, infact still does, saw my counsellor tonight - cruse is a godsend, another group i see is way (widowed and young), the 3rd which wont be for you is sobs (survivors of bereaved by suicide) but personally they were not for me, as i felt they werent surviving but thats another story

i hope you have the support of friends and family, coz to be blunt they were the only things that have got me through the worst year of my life xxxxxx

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 09/05/2012 22:24

Thanks Blondes. It's awful to think of others going through this / similar. To think anyone else feels this pain is awful. Thank you so much for the words of comfort and I'm really happy you have someone to make you smile. I'm going to look into counselling tomorrow. Sometimes I feel like my brain can't take any more and it will crumble.

To everyone else. Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions. I'll look at each and every one.

Today was a rubbish day. Feeling poorly, sorry for myself and missing the person that looked after me better than anyone else ever has. Though I should add that my friends and family are doing a fine job at the moment.

OP posts:
ACoiledThing · 10/05/2012 22:01

Hello, just checking to see how you're feeling - hope today was a better day. Very much in my thoughts, take care xx

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 11/05/2012 16:10

The last few days have been tough. I think when the physical pain wears off I start thinking and I just don't know how to deal with it. It's been 4 weeks this afternoon since he died. To me it feels like two minutes but then also a whole lifetime. I worry that I'll forget the smell of him, the touch of his skin or the way he spoke, how it felt for him to hold me. Everything really.

Writing that it has been four weeks is frightening. I have our beautiful boy but otherwise time has stood still for me. I still feel as numb as when the policeman came knocking on my front door.

People say I'll be happy again but that is unimaginable to me. He was my soul mate and very best friend.

The advice to keep breathing has helped... Sometimes it's all you can do.

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 11/05/2012 17:00

Ican since dd died people have told me that time heals and I have found it to be true. The waves of grief still come but they are less frequent. I have been able to laugh at funny things, enjoy eating out, do the practical stuff. I don't know if "happy" is the right word, because I'm not there yet. It won't ever be the life that I should have had but I will try to make it the best life it can be. This week, for example, we put our new tent up in the back garden. My boys slept out in it and they had fun and I am glad about that but I was also sad because if dd had lived, we probably wouldn't have bought the tent and I wouldn't have had time to help them put it up because she would have been a small baby who needed lots of feeding and attention. You will have times like that, good times but at the same time, not the times you were supposed to have.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 11/05/2012 17:27

Couldn't stop reading this and then couldn't leave without posting. It's brought a tear to my eye.

I lost my mum just before I fell pregnant with dd1 who would have been her first grandchild. Dd's are now extremely close to DMil and when I think how much my dear mum was looking forward to being a nanny it seems so unfair that she's not here.

But then sometimes dd2 will look at me in a funny way, or dd1 will laugh suddenly and I think 'yep, there's mum'.

He'll always be with you in your children. That part of him will never leave you.

Big hugs and un-Mumsnetty kisses.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/05/2012 17:37

as chip monkey says time does heal, but i felt the same as you People say I'll be happy again but that is unimaginable to me. He was my soul mate and very best friend

yet a year on things are easier, and i never would have thought that

did you contact about counselling? Cruse is who im with and was reconmened by my gp,but YOU have to be the one who makes the call, when you feel the need iyswim - but most do have a waiting list, but depends on area

jaquelinehyde · 11/05/2012 17:38

I'm so sorry ican

It sounds like you have a wonderful support network around you, helping you through this. Use MN as much as you need to, there will always be someone here to listen to you no matter what it is that you want to say.

thunksheadontable · 11/05/2012 18:18

I am so sorry for your loss.

My sister's BIL died suddenly and his wife found out she was pregnant a few weeks later. Their little girl is four now. She has endured, in both senses of the word.. endured the suffering and loss, but endured in strength to live with this loss and find happiness alongside the sadness too. Their little girl kept her going, without a shadow of a doubt, though she had never planned to be rearing their child alone.

Good luck and heartfelt good wishes for these hard times xx

chipmonkey · 11/05/2012 21:52

Ican, someone said you will see him in your son. My Dad never met my ds3 but I see a lot of Dad in ds3. His facial expressions and also, rather oddly, in little phrases ds3 says which sound too old for a 7 year old but are exact phrases my Dad used.

TheOldestCat · 11/05/2012 22:00

How terrible. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved DH.

In the midst of such sadness, congratulations on the birth of your lovely boy.

No-one can take your memories away. No-one and nothing. You won't forget the touch and love of your DH, as they are always with you. Always.

Original poster
IcanandIwill · 12/05/2012 22:23

So today didn't start well but you know what I got through it. I've ended the day with cuddles from my lovely girls, feeding my little boy and am now listening to the fireworks outside. Fireworks were really special to us... First date bonfire night, got engaged next bonfire night, fireworks at our wedding, any birthday party and then at his funeral. It feels right to be listening to them now. God I do miss him.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 13/05/2012 12:31

Ican - I don't know what you believe in, but perhaphs he was sending you a message that he's still here, he's OK and wants you to know that. It's a shitty shitty road you are travelling, but in time you will learn to live alongside of it and it wont hurt this much every minute of the day x