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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My amazing DH is gone. How do I cope?

248 replies

IcanandIwill · 06/05/2012 23:49

Am totally worn out and emotionally exhausted. My story will be obvious to anyone who knows / recognises me. DH died suddenly three weeks ago. Two weeks ago I gave birth to our baby. I'm really looking for advice from anyone who has lost a partner. How on earth do you cope. I cannot get past the fact that he won't be coming back. It does not feel real and I can't accept it. How on earth do you get through the day / week / months?

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 13/05/2012 12:41

Hope today is better for you Ican - and of course, your DH will always be with you through your children. Can't imagine how difficult it must be for you, just glad you've got the little ones there.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/05/2012 13:02

ican fireworks were special to me as well, mark loved them and was always blowing things up lol- so i mixed a lot of his ashed up in fireworks and sent him to the stars on his birthday, which was just after 6mths and had a big piss up party, which sounds strange, but my friends and i were celebrating his life as thats what he would have wanted

chocolatemarzipan · 14/05/2012 21:01

Ican I'm really sorry. I haven't lost a DH but have lost a brother last year. It's tough and I can't stop thinking about him. My sister in law has managed by keeping herself and the children busy with friends and family. Also take comfort from your baby - you and your DH are still together in him, he is half of each of you. Take time to talk about your DH, put up pictures at your eye level and also your children's eye level. Do things he enjoyed. Maybe make a big list of memories and add to it if ever you're scared that you will forget something.

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 14/05/2012 21:08

blondes I love that idea and I'm going to give it some thought, aside from being scattered on far flung Thai beach I'm not sure what he'd want me to do with his ashes. Sounds perfect for your DH and I might just steal your idea!

This morning was hard. I registered the baby's birth. I was in floods when I got there and I think the registrar found it much harder than me in the end. It just feels so surreal. I'm doing all this stuff, when all I really want to do is snuggle up on the sofa for a cuddle with my husband. I told him every day that I loved him and I just keep holding onto that. He knew he was loved and I know he was happy.

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Original poster

IcanandIwill · 14/05/2012 21:10

chocolate thanks for those ideas, will be sure to use them. I'm going to start writing some of those memories down.

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Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2012 22:40

sorry today was hard, registering your babies birth should be a much loved event and sure emotions were running high :(

feel free and steal my idea, as i said mark loved blowing things up and many a time blew up things with fireworks (disclaimer i told him not too lol) but a few times he recorded them on his phone and i have them and sometimes listen to them and hear his voice which always brings a tear to my eye

i spilt his ashes into 5, and as i said one went in fireworks and another lot were scattered at sea on a boat with our close friends

always said he was scattered from the sea to the stars xxx

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 17/05/2012 08:03

Mornings are hard. Just sat here thinking about getting up and the reality of it all hits you again. I miss him so much, just want a cuddle and for him to tell me everything will be ok.

I knew how lucky I was to have him, felt very happy and privileged. Told him everyday I loved him.

I really hate mornings now.

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RabidAnchovy · 17/05/2012 08:23

Nothing to add, just so sorry x

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 19/05/2012 12:24

Having a hard day today. The waves of grief amaze me. Some days I manage to function. To put the washing in, take the children to school / nursery, deal with all the paperwork that comes with this. Other days like today I want to do nothing but hide from the world, sit and sob, shout about the injustice of it all and ask 'Why us?'

I miss him every second of every day. The thought we'll never be together again frightens the hell out of me.

Right, in giving myself 20 minutes and then I'm going to get up and face the world.

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ChippingIn · 19/05/2012 17:22

Oh sweetheart, it's so bloody hard isn't it :( So so so unfair.

You are doing really well to just be keeping it all together - to have given birth a week after suddenly losing your DH, coping with the loss and looking a newborn (and all of the hormones that go with that anyway)... it is a HUGE ask of anyone... I am very impressed that you are even having days where you are functioning OK...

In time you will learn to live alongside it and the waves of grief will be futher and further apart and less intense, but I know that's very very hard to believe right now and in many ways you wont want to believe that as it makes it seem like you will love/miss him less when that happens. You wont. There is just a quiet, gradual acceptance that this is now the way life is and you have to get on with it - even when you don't want to :(

How are your girls doing?

NinthWave · 19/05/2012 17:42

I'm so very sorry for your loss Ican. My SIL lost her DH very suddenly a few years ago, he was only 37 and they had a 2-year-old DS. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through but do keep posting if you need to, you will always find support here. X

Whatnamethistime · 19/05/2012 18:06

I've pmd you.

Something beautiful - in our local park you can plant a tree (costly) but you can also pay to have different season bulbs planted around.

Then you can scatter ashes - after 70/80 years it's so beautiful (they show you established Ones) - there is no plaque or marker - just this stunning tree with beautiful bulbs - that people admire and enjoy for hundreds of years to come.

marmon · 19/05/2012 21:10

Hi there, I have to say i was in your position nearly 10 years ago. I lost my partner at 5 months into pregnancy and like your husband he died suddenly but from a brain aneurysm at 39 years old! Massive shock for everyone. All i can say to you sweetheart is things do get better but it takes a long time and you must go with the grief. Its horrible,vile and its like your wearing a very heavy dark cloak that just engulfs you but there will be light again.
I am rubbish at links but if you Google, Green Widow by Rachael Green, you will read a selection of stories by ladies in your position, my story is in there as well. Its heartbreaking but uplifting, but its comfort to know your not on your own. Hope that helps in some way. Lots of love.xx

ettiketti · 19/05/2012 21:17

Gosh, I've nothing constructive to say but I've read your thread and its made me think how I'd feel if my own DH were suddenly not here. Sitting here in floods, really feel for you, lovely. Take heart in your children, they will help you through the dark times. Take good care Xx

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 19/05/2012 22:54

chipping my girls are doing ok I think. I was talking to my eldest (5) today and telling her I was sad because I missed Daddy. I asked her if missing him made her sad and her answer was that she didn't know. We've been referred to a local charity that support bereaved children so hopefully they'll help her / me make some sense of how she's feeling. The other one is 20 months, she's playing up but I suppose that was going to happen anyway with a new baby on the scene, never mind everything else as well.

marmon thanks for the suggestion I will take a look.

The support I've received from MN has been amazing. Sorry for all those that have been in this situation or similar. The thought of anyone else feeling this pain is awful, no one should have to go through this. The fact that people have and are then able to offer others hope / support is phenomenal. Thank you.

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ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 20/05/2012 19:34

I am sure that the charity will help the girls through it - it's hard when they don't really have the vocabulary (or really understand how they feel), but they will convey a lot through drawings etc. Hopefully in time you will be able to talk about him and keep him 'present' in their lives.... but it's bloody hard :(

We are all here for you - I just wish there was more we could do (ie turn the clock back and change it all!). You are right - no one should have to go through what you are - it's not the way life should be xxx

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 21/05/2012 03:48

Awake and can't sleep, can't seem to switch off tonight. Baby is not settling well between feeds and my mind is all over the place. I think if grief comes in waves then I'm in the midst of a tidal wave at the moment. The tears haven't stopped for days. It's overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like people think I should be doing better. I'm sure that's not actually true but still want to scream and shout, even at those that love and know me best.

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everlong · 21/05/2012 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

differentnameforthis · 21/05/2012 08:33

I cannot imagine what you are going through, Ican. I wanted to send my condolences to you. Some lovely words & advice on this thread.

marmon · 21/05/2012 14:41

Hi Ican, hope your tidal wave has subsided slightly today and your able to breath as people say until the next one hits you.
I can totally identify with what you say about people expecting you to do better. When i was in the depths of my bereavement i came to the conclusion that people think someone dying is like a soap opera and like soap operas you see on tv when a person dies they cry for five minutes and by the following week there remarried and its like it never happended!!!
But real life isnt like that and at the moment you feel like youve been hit by a truck and to top it all you have a new life depending on you. Im surprised my poor son didnt drown in the tears that used to fall on him whilst i breast fed him! Its a really tough time for you and no one will understand unless they have been through it, anything you want to ask please feel free, nothing phases me. All i can say is be kind to yourself and get as much help as you can. Lots of love.xxx

curiousgeorgie · 21/05/2012 14:53

I'm so sorry for your loss, I couldn't read this without posting. The only thing I can do is reeat what others have said, time will heal you. One day it won't feel as heavy, take care of yourself, and congratulations on your baby xxxx

onlyjoking9329 · 21/05/2012 17:38

So sorry to hear that your DH died suddenly and whilst you were pregnant.
My DH died almost four years ago now,I had a lot of support on MN, I found the WAY (widowed and young) group was very helpful both for on line support and monthly meet ups, I know a couple of women who were pregnant when their partner died, so many difficult feelings, the joy of a new life alongside the pain of a death. Feel what you feel when you feel it, nobody should expect you to be/feel anything other than what you do feel. Accept all offers of help and keep talking/typing.

MonaLotte · 21/05/2012 17:45

Didn't want to read and run. I have no advice and can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I am so very sorry for your loss xxx

newpup · 21/05/2012 18:19

So sorry for you loss. I hope that it brings you some small comfort to know that lots of strangers are thinking of you and wishing you well. Take Care.

Original poster

IcanandIwill · 21/05/2012 23:07

So today started terribly and I had to force myself out of bed at lunchtime. I just felt that my heart was literally going to fall to pieces. It's like the emotional feeling of heartbreak wants my actual heart to fall apart. It just feels so delicate, as if I have to take things easy or it will crumble inside of me.

I had an urge to do something positive after such an awful, awful morning. It wasn't much but my sister and I took the children out to play and eat after school. While I was out I had a real revelation, thinking about what he would want and what I would want if it was the other way around. I know I would want him to do the very best for our children and keep my memory alive to them. I can only imaging this is what he would want to. I know that it will be hard and that there will be other days as bad or worse than today. But I certainly owe him that.

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