''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function  seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

[CheeseandGherkins]

chip hey, how are you getting on?

[chipmonkey]

Not too bad, Cheese . We are doing our "second burial" tomorrow, putting Sylvie-Rose's retained organs onto her grave. I have deliberately not told MIL as I don't want her turning up for it. it will be just me, dh, our bereavement counsellor from the hospital and the hospital chaplain. Have kept the rest of my diary clear as I think it will be difficult.

I think they say it's better to forgive, but sometimes it's hard. MIL said some dreadful things around the time Sylvie-Rose died on the day of her funeral. I know I should be charitable and move on but God, it can be hard!

[CheeseandGherkins]

everlong thanks :) Brag away! He sounds really good! To be doing so well at age 12 he must be so dedicated as well. I'm not surprised you're so proud :) He sounds a credit to you :)

chip Oh huge hugs for tomorrow, what a big day ahead. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and will light a candle for you all and Sylvie-Rose.

It is hard Chip, I've had 16 months now to forgive and it did get easier in the past few months. I used to dwell on those things with them a lot but now I think I just can't give it anymore head space. I struggled with it for ages, the initial grief made it all worse of course, as for you too I guess? Bil didn't even come to Scarlett's funeral, which is what caused all the problems. I said things, which thinking back weren't that bad they were just supporting to DH, but mil didn't like it at all and so made dh suffer even more than he needed to with the way she acted.

It's in the past now and they are so many circumstances involved too, she had a stillborn child herself so it must have brought up memories for her and it was different in her days too so I don't think there was a grave either. I think that's mostly why I forgive everything. Not sure about bil, I posted a lot about it at the time and kind of worked through it all in my head. Conclusion really was that he couldn't handle it. Never mind that I would have loved the choice to opt out but...Far too much.

It's cathartic to get it all out now really, I'm in a place where I can really think and sort out what happened in my head, well mostly! Far more than at the time.

If it helps for you to vent about it too chip then do. Didn't realise how much I needed to until now!

I really think far too much though, every little thing I over analyse.

[orion3]

Hugs to you chip I hope tomorrow passes gently for you. I'll be thinking of you.

[chipmonkey]

MIL has always been "Difficult"
When we had been given the dreadful news that Sylvie-Rose would not survive, I was standing by her NICU cot, MIL was on the other side. I mentioned that I knew it didn't look good as Sylvie-Rose's colour had been very bad when she was in the ambulance outside our house. MIL thought I had meant her colour was bad the night before and shouted at me why hadn't I done anything? As if I would have noticed that my premature baby daughter was off-colour and wouldn't have done anything!

Then on the day of her funeral,before the undertaker came, we were all looking down at her laid out in her Moses basket. I was obv. very upset and dh said to the room in general "Sylvie-Rose will be fine, she's with chip's Dad" at which point MIL shouted "No, she's with God!" Now, there's a time and a place for arguing about religion and if I had taken comfort from Sylvie-Rose being with Elvis, she should have respected that.

She argued with dh about some flowers she wanted to put on the coffin in a bowl of water which we didn't want going on.

It goes on!

But even last week, she was going on about some chap who stood up in Church and was thanking God for having spared him his life when he was very ill and how he had now found religion. And I told her in that case I was justified in turning my back on God altogether! And I haven't actually but I wondered how she thought that snippet was supposed to convert me!

She's just too much and I don't need more of it tomorrow.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

orion so glad that today went well for you. Your SIL might be direct, but it sounds like she is open to hearing how you really feel - which can make all the difference sometimes.

cheese sounds to me that you have worked through some serious stuff with your family. That level of forgiveness can't have come easily, so I really admire you for it. School sounds like a real hassle, no wonder you are preoccupied with that. As for the long posting, I totally agree with everlong, that is exactly what this thread is for.

chip you have been in my mind this weekend. I so hope tomorrow isn't too difficult for you, yet at the same time, it's probably wise to plan an easy day afterwards.

As for your MIL - I will give you my mango story, straight from the Tibetan Buddhist lamas in Dharamsala... just not as eloquent or exotic! People are like mangoes. Some are good on the outside, and taste delicious on the inside. Some look horrible on the outside, but are good on the inside. Some are horrible the whole way through. He then went on to say that People can turn 'bad' on the inside when emotions like pride and anger and jealousy consume us. We need to be aware of the power of these emotions, and let them go. They can be far more destructive to us than to anyone else who caused them. Now I am sure you are a good mango, and that you are too strong and kind to become a bad mango, but I have found that reminding myself of this story is very helpful when I have strong negative feelings... and I also come and vent on MN!!

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Sorry, cross post. I can see why you have many issue with MIL. She sounds like a real DHAC. Really hope I haven't offended...

[chipmonkey]

Thanks, all. It will be good to know we are in the thoughts of so many kind friends.

Mias, you haven't offended me at all! I love the Mango story. ( And now I want some mango!) I think MIL is one of those people who makes me go around muttering "I am bigger than this, I am bigger than this!" at nauseum. And you know, she goes on and on about Jesus but doesn't seem to have learned anything from him IYKWIM.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

chip phew!! I would hate to think that you thought I was belittling your very justifiable frustrations with your MIL. Any sort of close-minded religious fervour like that is incredibly hard to deal with, regardless of your own beliefs.

We are walking with you tomorrow. I will watch out for feathers... xx

[orion3]

chip I agree, your mil sounds like a very difficult person to be around. You do what you need to do tomorrow and know that it's up to you to grieve the way you need to and believe in whatever you believe. Lots of love and hugs.x

[CheeseandGherkins]

chip I can't believe she shouted that at you, how awful :( I totally agree with you, she's with your Dad and she will be well looked after xxx My Scarlett will be with my nan, she was like a mum to me, such a wonderful woman. I miss her still now and she died to cancer when I was 15, saw her every day. She was like a mum to me and I take comfort that she will be looking after Scarlett for me until the day I join them.

Was she doing this during the funeral? Either way it's horrible. She sounds like a right piece of work xx


Miasmummy It didn't come easy, I struggled for a long time with it. Thank you, I think I could just sit and ramble on forever sometimes! School, well, that's all again tomorrow. Not looking forward to it at all. I'm looking at changing schools it's that bad xx I love your mango story, it appeals to me xx

[chipmonkey]

Thanks all. What bothered me as well Cheese, was that in s way, it was it was almost as though she was insinuating that my Dad wasn't in Heaven. My Dad was lovely, I sincerely hope he's in Heaven or there's not much hope for the rest of us!

[chipmonkey]

BTW folks, I have liked "Mias Wood" on FB and I suggest you all do the same in case Mias is too shy to ask!

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

thank you chip and everlong!! The FB site for Mia's Wood is still an ongoing project, but glad you like it.

chip peace and love for you today.

[chipmonkey]

Well, we are back from the cemetery. The bereavment counsellor arrived to the house with the little white wooden box and I read the inscription and cried. Then we all went up to the cemetery and buried the little box. It's right on top of her coffin so she's all together now. The chaplain read some lovely prayers and a lovely poem which I will post later as she is going to email it to me. It was very moving. But so strange, almost like another funeral but not quite.

[fioled]

Glad today went well chip xx

[Tamisara]

Chip I've been thinking about you & Sylvie-Rose all day. I know I've not been on here, but I have been thinking of you xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

chip I have been thinking of you and Sylvie-Rose today. I am guessing that today has brought up lots of feelings that you thought you had worked through. It must have been so hard to do this all over again, but I hope you felt it was helpful in some way.

It made me realise that we will have to grieve all over again when Mia's inquest date is finally set. It is six months tonight that the sunshine of our hearts, our beautiful Mia, left us. Six months without her enthusiastic cuddles, six months without her wonderful, heart-lifting smile, six months without - anything. And only more days like this in the future. Why?!?!?

[CheeseandGherkins]

Chip I've been thinking of you today. Huge hugs xx

Miasmummy 6 months :( it's no time at all. Be kind to yourself. Hugs too xxx

[Whatevertheweather]

Hi ladies, sorry I've not been around much - lots of things going on.

Chip today must have been hard. Well done you for getting through. Will light a candle for Sylvie-Rose tonight xx

Mias hugs my lovely. I found six months a big deal, bigger than say 5 or 7 months. Not sure why, half a year maybe. Sounds like you've done a few things requiring more strength and courage recently. I'm sure you handled them with your usual grace and style but am also sure they've taken their toll on you. I hope you are taking care of yourself. How's the sickness? I will light a candle for little Mia right next to Sylvie-Rose's tonight xx

Everlong what a talented boy you have Be proud! How are you doing? xx

Cheese sounds like you've been busy recently. I'm sorry your family are still acting like Ella 'makes it all better'. I think someone said it up thread. It really takes another bereaved parent to 'get it' properly.

Waves to all - hope everyone is okay xx

Big family wedding yesterday - anyone friends with me on fb will have seen how stunning my cousin looked! It was a fairytale if slightly damp wedding! The ceremony was in the same church as we had Erin's funeral, it's not the first time I've been back in there but it is the first time I've actually sat in there and found it impossible to watch them say their vows knowing they were stood on the exact same spot as where Erin's casket was for her funeral service. It was also the same priest, he christened both our girls (K in that same church!) and is a wonderful man. I managed to hold it together all through the service but dp and I slipped down to light a candle for Erin after and he came and spoke to us and I did have some tears then. Saw lots of family we haven't seen either since the funeral or since before she died and hardly anyone mentioned her. Made me very sad. Yet everyone was happy to congratulate us on our good news

Dp's birthday tomorrow then scan on Wednesday. Eek am really scared now, but also a little excited to see him/her again and also to hopefully find out if it is a him/her!

Ups and Downs eh? Sounds like we're all having them at the moment xxx