''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function  seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

[chipmonkey]

everlong says I'm gorgeous. >

Tami, that photo is so cool!

[Whatevertheweather]

Haven't seen Shabs around for ages? Is she okay does anyone know?

[Bluetinkerbell]

wtw she was without internet today! Lew has been keeping her busy too

[lavandes]

I think my dh is ok everlong but he does not show his feelings much. His sister rang and said 'its today isn't it' I said 'yes its been a difficult day' she went on to tell me her daughter's new phone number then spent the next 10 mins telling me about her other daughter who has split up with her partner. She didn't ask me how I was feeling just said 'we are thinking of you' before the end of the call. I am upset today and maybe overreacting but I felt like I was an afterthought and Richard wasn't mentioned. My sister phoned and was very supportive. It is a very lonely road we travel don't you think? xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

lavandes I think I'd feel a bit weird too, especially because she knew the special day was about Richard, and then didn't even say his name. People around me are starting to do the same about Mia.

[chipmonkey]

Lavandes, that is so hurtful Dreadful that someone who knew Richard would talk about him as if he were an afterthought.

[lavandes]

Morning ladies xx

You are right everlong I really think she has no idea how to talk to me. She is probably afraid of saying the wrong thing so says nothing. I will explain it all to her one day when I am stronger. It boils down to the fact that the only people who really understand are the people who have lost their children.

[lavandes]

Another thought is maybe our families need the counselling and not us!!!

[chipmonkey]

I think most people's experience of death is losing a parent or grandparent. Which can be devastating but you do eventually get over it. I miss my Dad, he died too young, it was a shock but rarely, if ever get upset enough to cry about him. People seem to believe that it's like that only worse, when it's not the same type of grief at all.

[Tamisara]

Gosh, you are all so right. The nearest I can compare to a parent (and I admit it's not the same) is my nan. I was very, very close to her. I went to hers every weekend, and spent weeks there. Even after DS was born, we'd go there regularly. I was crushed when she died, but it's not the same as Tamsin, not at all. Funnily enough both my nan & granddad lost siblings (babies), but I don't know the impact on their parents, I'm figuring infant mortality rates were so high, that it was commonplace, and I expect grief was frowned upon.

I feel a fool today. I saw a woman I know, who just so happens to have a DD the same age as DD1. She said that she didn't think that she'd have another, and asked if I'd consider having another. I told her I did, and told her about Tamsin, and you could see that she didn't know how to react. I quickly changed the subject back to our DDs. But the conversation was over quickly. I feel stupid, and a bit mean, for mentioning Tamsin :(

[chipmonkey]

Tami, I have done exactly the same and I have to say, in our situation, it is others who should be accommodating. I am not going to stop mentioning Sylvie-Rose, she is my youngest. If that lady was uncomfortable, it was her problem, not yours. Maybe she should have a think about the correct response to someone who has lost a child.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Tami you can't deny part of you just so someone else feels 'comfortable'.

Today I had to explain to a potential business associate why I hadn't done much work recently - nothing for it but to explain about Mia. I managed to say it without crying or feeling too awkward, and fortunately, she was very nice, acknowledged Mia in a pleasant but not overly effusive way, and then we were able to continue the conversation.

Last night though, I had an unexpected skype with a friend whose son is a day younger than Mia. She is a little too forthright, and despite me saying that I really hated the "how ARE you?" question, didn't pick up the hint at all, and carried on and asked me if I was working and if I wanted more children...

Thank goodness for the sensible words from everlong, chip and lavandes. People really sometimes just don't get it. Even people you expect would know better.

Wow, lots of nausea today.

[Tamisara]

It absolutely should be them who accommodate us, I wonder if it's such a shock, that it throws them. I'm sure this woman wasn't horrifed, but I suppose I felt bad.

I wonder if I would have known how to react. I had a friend, whose son was stillborn, a few months before I conceived DS. I was there for her though. I remember thinking how awful it was. But she seemed to get over it quickly - idiot me, she didn't, but she 'pinned on a smile' and no one knows, no one does do they? We may smile, talk about the 'weather', pass pleasantries, and not breakdown constantly, but underneath it we're still in pain. But to the outsider we're 'fine now'.

I have another friend who had a very premature DD in 1992. Her DD died soon after birth (she was very, very premature). I went to her funeral, and my friend had another two DC. I'd do her cards sometimes, and she'd cry. She'd go funny every February, and need to be alone (the anniversary of her DD's birth/death). I did understand that she was still upset by it, but again the impact and depth of the loss was lost on me. It really is one of those things that you don't know till you've been there. To my shame I probably thought having a stillborn was less upsetting as they hadn't lived outside, it's bloody awful having that notion knocked out of me.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

[Tamisara]

miasmummy how insensitive of your friend. Sorry about the nausea, but that's a good sign xx

[chipmonkey]

Yes, nausea is very, very good.

[orion3]

I have some friends that would rather not mention Jude. Some close relatives came to see us on Boxing Day, three days after Jude died, and apart from a very patronising cuddle they didn't mention him. Not even once. When they went we felt that we'd helped them through the visit not the other way round. Most of my friends are fine with me talking about him as much as i need to and I really hope they never expect me to stop.
I agree that nobody know the depth of loss and the physical pain unless they've been here. I don't wish that on anyone though.
Good news on the nausea miasmummy how far on are you?

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

orion you suddenly learn who your real friends are, don't you? Like you, I hope mine will always encourage me to speak about Mia. I am always grateful when they bring her into the conversation.

I am 6 weeks... and very nervous, despite the nausea, long may it continue!!

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Dear all, if you haven't seen it, I just wanted to let you know that there is another thread here called Mothers Instinct which some of you might be interested in supporting on FB, given the various concerns people have expressed about their treatment in hospital. It has been recently set up to campaign for more respect and consideration by hospital staff for parents when they have concerns about their pregnancies and sick children - and to avoid further child deaths.

I have never tried to link before, but this is worth it. Here goes Mothers Instinct

[travellingwilbury]

Hello all , lovely thread title wtw and thank you chip for the last one x

Remembering Harry , my gorgeous funny , happy , smily , watchful boy , always missed and never ever forgotten x