''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Hello all , I am having to use my phone mostly and it is not great , I thought I had posted this morning but nothing is there .

I have missed something and I understand if nobody wants to name the book on the thread again but can someone please pm me ?

So much pain here at the minute , I hope you all know that I am here with a hand , just the stupid phone .

PM'd you Tw

Hi everyone, just wanted to remember my beautiful Malachy Aidan who was born asleep two years ago. I'm sorry I've not been around but I'll never forget the support this thread and it's wonderful ladies gave me. I hope everyone is ok and I'm sorry to see new names on the thread. I'll try to catch up with everyone and pop in more often. Lots of love xx

Nice to see you, Minione!

Thanks, I'm sorry I've not been around. Since Ruairi's birth I've just been really busy!! I'm finding it hard though, any minor ailment and I panic. I'm so anxious since losing Malachy and I'm terrified something will happen to Ruairi. I guess I need to talk to someone

it's amazing what friends come out of the woodwork (at a time like this) and what friends go crawling back where they came from!

Can't sleep. had an horrific dream so I can't even escape this at all.

Mini nice to see you. How old is Ruairi now? Am I right in thinking a similar age/month older than X? He's 8 months tomorrow.

I'm exactly the same with X. Friday he was given antibiotics for a ear infection after not being himself for 48 hours or so and got really distressed Friday morning. I know its only an ear infection but I've still felt really jittery about it. He's much better the last couple of days though since the antibiotics kicked in. Hasn't needed calpol so far today so I think we've turned the corner.

The other thing I'm not coping with at all is giving him finger foods/lumpier foods, I'm absolutely terrified he will choke and die. This transition to grown up food is close to giving me a nervous breakdown. Drama queen, me? Sigh.

I know I have to give him bits of finger foods now, because its the next stage skill, but bloody hell I'm on edge whenever he's got anything in his mouth that isn't mush. Even last night with a mashed up fish finger, mashed potato and baked beans (well the juice at least!), so a thicker, lumpier texture meal..he gagged a few times and its all I can do not to completely panic.

I guess its normal to see the potential disaster in eveything now, but its exhausting isn't it, constantly being so scared.

Too right kate

I know I am not that far along yet, and things are never simple, but I love hearing about women who have been through this and then had another child. It is something we were thinking about, we always wanted more than one. At the same time I know nothing will ever replace Dexter, and I cannot imagine how stressful and terrifying another pregnancy would be. Hopefully one day I can start looking at the rainbow pregnancy threads!

kate the nights are the worst time for me :( either bad dreams of I wake up and it hits me fresh. But we are strong and we are coping, even when it feels like we are not!

Thinking of us all today xx

fioled thinking about you. There is nothing else I can say, I am so sorry.

Forgot to say as well, had my six week post natal check today and it was actually lovely. It was the same GP who did all my scans, and I was a little worried about seeing her again, but she was so sympathetic and so kind. They are going to complain to the hospital on my behalf. The team who looked after Dexter were wonderful, and I have no complaints whatsoever, but I have had no contact from my labour team. They did not tell my doctors what had happened, hence the upsetting phone call, and they have not been in touch with me or offered any support at all. I don't even know who my consultant was. Gald the Doctor has taken that over for me though, hopefully I might get some answers as to why I went into labour. I know that is not always possible, but I would like to know that they tried.

Love and strength to us as always.

fioled I am constantly scare (dd has severe asthma, has had double pneumonia and had a febrile convulsion in the middle of asda and it is VERY exhausting, I so often get people rolling their eyes at me just because i am over protective but surely it's better that im over protective of Raegan and you are of X then for us not to be protective at all. And I am sure that I would have been exactly the same with the boys. mecha I can't stand night time now , I know it sounds strange but I have to watch loads of comedies before I go to bed, but that normally still results in me getting 45 minutes if im lucky. Raegan also has a bit of a tummy bug at the moment (yet another worry) so sleep is very rare :(

ds4 is four and I still panicked this morning when he didn't wake up immediately when I tried to get him out of bed this morning. I worry that they will get run over and I'm sure parents who don't know me think I am way OTT when I am yelling at ds4 to stay on the path when the road is miles away!
I think it changes the way you look at parenting, life and death.

Fioled You've namechanged! Yes Ruairi is 9months on the 20th. He's had quite a bad cough for a few weeks, we went to the doctor who said its just a cold and then I took him to the out of hours doctor at the hospital over the bank holiday as he seemed to be getting worse and he had gunky eyes. Again, just a cold nothing to worry about. But I can't help it. He still sleeps in our room and I check to make sure he is breathing during the night. I attempted baby led weaning but the constant gagging terrified me so I did a mixture of mush and finger food. I've been back to work for a couple of weeks and he loves nursery which is great as I don't think I could cope if I ahd to leave him crying.

Ah yes, I named changed a few weeks back, I forgot you wouldn't have seen that! This is B's middle name spelt in welsh. Hope R is much better soon xx I'm back at work in 3 weeks, still p/t. Childcare is mainly my Mum with DH taking Friday's off until September when X will start nursery on a Friday. I hope he likes it too, leaving him crying will just about break me, settling in sessions in August.

Mecha We decided to ttc again 6 months after Belle died, so I came off the pill again and caught another 2 months after that. So 8 months between pregnancies, 16 months gap between births. In hindsight it was too soon, I thought I was ready but I was a complete wreck, especially as we went into trimester 3. But then again, maybe it would be like that anyway, maybe it would always have been too soon. I was so scared I was going to lose him. I kept dreaming of him dead, another funeral, a blue coffin next to Belle's pink one in the ground. I ended up having daily checks and X being delivered at 36w because I stopped coping altogether. At 30 weeks I have a bit of a meltdown and booked a 4D scan just so I could see him alive and see his face moving incase the worse happened in the few weeks afterwards.Belle (my first child) died at 32 weeks and I just couldn't cope after that, they were the longest 4 weeks of my life and I really struggled to believe there was going to be a happy ending. I found being pregnant again beautiful, we really tried to create memories and we fell in love with X just as we had done with B but it was extremely traumatic. My precious boy was worth every panic attack and every fear. Honestly, there isn't a day that goes by where we don't realise how lucky we are to have him.

We really want to try and give him a living sibling too so we're going to go through it all again one day, probably middle-end of next year and I expect I will be just as much of a wreck again.

Hey Fioled .. seeing as we are coming up on Belle's birthday do you want to start a new thread in her honour ???

Just a bit of news here. Had our first appointment with the consultant yesterday, and she was lovely, and is willing to do anything she can to help us deal with our fears with this pg. So reassuring and understanding.

DH's 'new' birthday is on Saturday... not sure I can really call it a celebration. Too many sad associations of a little red-head standing up in her highchair helping her daddy blow out the candles. A little nervous about how both DH and I will cope emotionally, while having to cater for 30 adults and 18 kids, with a houseful of guests on top of that, in what will now surely be an indoor party thanks to the weather. And very aware it is Father's Day on Sunday. We must be mad.

fioled if it helps with X, I seem to remember reading that babies have a gag reflex closer to their mouth than older children, so X is very unlikely to choke on finger foods, although he might make some funny faces with the new tastes and textures. But then, this sort of fear is so very hard to overcome.

kate wishing you some peaceful sleep, and beautiful dreams.

everlong thought of you and Oliver today, lots of robins in the garden.

mecha and matilda just you are being so brave, taking each day at a time. We are here for you.

mias why is it dh's new birthday?
It's my dh's bday on sunday I'm not happy with any of these celebrations either.

Mia died on the night of DH's birthday... a year before, one of his good friends died, and the year before that, he had to tell the rest of his family that his father, who had rapidly-moving Alzheimer's, only had a few weeks to live. Just a horrible date.

LOL ROFL Fioled I just realised who you are Hiya love - have missed you on here....I am sure I used to be really intelligent

My eldest lad wants to change his birthday as well...said the date makes him too sad because his twin should be with him...think we are going to move the date maybe one day before or after. I think its a good idea to have a different birthday if you want to xxxx

Ds1 was born in August. Ds2 was born in October. Sylvie-Rose was born in August and died in October. Not sure if the lads would appreciate having their birthdays changed but I would kind of like to!
Poor dh, Mia. He must feel like his actual birthday is cursed.

chip yes, it should be a happy day for DH, and it is only filled with sad memories. Which is why we chose to move it to the summer solstice, with the idea that we would have warm sunshine(!!) and move away from those dark days.