''Even the smallest of footprints have the power to leave an everlasting imprint on the Earth'' Remembering with love our darling children

[Whatevertheweather]

Remembering not only what we have lost but what our darling children have given to us.

A new 'safe haven' thread. Thank you Chip for our last one which filled up in just a month. A sure sign of lots of tears, smiles and wonderful support.

All our children have taught us something whether they were born sleeping, lived just a little while, weeks, months or years. Here are mine:

Never ever take anything for granted, life can change very quickly.
Listen to yourself; your instincts will nearly always be right.
That it is possible to function seemingly normally with a broken heart.
That I have a wonderful relationship that can withstand the hardest of times.
That love and support can come from the most unexpected sources.
That I have a lot of very lovely friends, new and old.
That my family is amazing.
That no matter what it is impossible not to smile and laugh with my beautiful Katie around.
That a rainbow can provide hope in the darkest of times.
That there will be good days and bad days
That I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

For all our darling children xxx

Hi everlong it wasn't Alicia Keys it was the girl singer in his band I don't know who she was but she was brilliant x

So today is DP's first day back at work. I've just taken DD to the dentist. Managing ok so far, though it's still only midday and I am counting the hours till he gets back! I can't believe how clingy I've become.
I went to a pilates class last night. It was hard because it was the same one I used to go to until I got pregnant and it just felt like the last year never happened but I got through it somehow (though I did have to have a little scream and a cry when I got in the car to drive home). So little by little we are going back to "normal" except of course, nothing feels normal at all.

Thanks Everlong. Actually, I am just laying here crying now DD's having her nap, but don't tell anyone!!

Matilda Such courage. I know how you feel about returning to things that you used to do. I walked uptown on Sunday. Nothing unusual in that, but the way I walked, was the way I walked throughout my pregnancy, and I'd not been able to walk that way since (7 months on). I take DD1 to a different toddler group now, I can't go back to the ones I went to when pregnant. I was excited & life was good then, I had different expectations. I now have to carve out a different life. So congratulations & huge (((hugs))). Don't feel bad about crying xx

Hi Matilda Well done for going to pilates that is a huge hurdle that you have jumped. Just take one thing at a time. This is your life and you must only do what you feel ready for. Grief is exhausting just take care of yourself. xxx

On the subject of that 'book' (Amazon finally published my review), there is a petition that I signed, that was on the SANDS Facebook page, I also 'tweeted' Amazon - both the UK and USA site, but they haven't replied (maybe unsurprisingly).

I was shocked to find a piece on the Daily Mail, from a couple of years ago, about the sick facebook page, and was horrified at some of the DM comments. Any that expressed disgust at the page were red-arrowed, and the amount of comments basically implying bereaved parents are 'hysterical' were vast.

There was on comment where the poster said that whilst she had every "sympathy" with anyone who'd lost a child, she didn't think that others should be curtailed from expressing humour. Others saying we have freedom of speech, and just because someone had lost a child, why should everyone else have to miserable!!!!!

I am amazed at the attitudes of people, really, really shocked. I can't imagine a book with jokes about raping & beating up old ladies would be deemed funny, so why is this acceptable?

everlong I don't think that freedom of speech was ever designed to cause distress, and make fun of such emotive, sensitive matters.

A friend of mine reported the Facebook page, and said there was nothing on the report thingie (technical term there ). Racism is quite rightly not allowed under freedom of speech, so why this? I think that anything that causes serious distress to others should not be tolerated.

Some of the jokes have paedophilic references, which is just beyond sick!

Tami remember I told you about that FB page? The original one was taken off AFTER the bereaved parents (including myself) were ridiculed so much that it made me want to hit doors and walls. It was revolting. A few hundred of us 'reported' the thread to FB every hour on the hour. It took a month, at least, before it was removed. At first it saddened me to think that somebody could make a group like that NOW it just makes me want to buy a gun and a couple of knives and go looking for them.....but, there again, I suppose that doesn't come under 'freedom of speech' does it

really not having a good day today, making the orders of services and it has hit me like a tonne of bricks, i cant believe this is happening

Kate much love and strength coming your way. You are doing so well. I know what you mean about bad days, I think everyone here does. It is one month today since we lost Dexter and I am alternating between being numb and being hysterical. I guess this is going to be what normal is for me for a while.

Matilda it is the whole before and after thing. Again, you are being so strong and doing amazingly well.

I reported the page to facebook as "Hate Speech" and got an e-mail back saying it was not found to be breeching any guidelines. So depressing.

had to go to the library to print them out (because of multiple technology failures) and we saw someone who hasn't see me for a little while and unfortunately didn't receive the notification of what has happened, and she came up to me and rubbed my belly and said how are you mummy? i NEARLY crumbled (don't really know how i didn't) and my legs went to complete jelly but because 1. i was in a public place and 2. i was with my dd i just walked. don't know how much i can take of this and i so cant wait for this all to be over.

Kate I really feel for you. My DOCTOR called me last week to say they had seen from my notes I had Pancreatitus last month and they wanted me to come in for extra monitoring as it is very dangerous during pregnancy. I had to explain I had already had Dexter and he asked "Oh, where is the baby then?" DH had to take the phone off me and talk to them because I had just lost it totally, floods of tears. You were very strong for your DD, she is lucky to have you.

I was dreading Dexter's funeral, and it was very difficult, but it has also brought me some peace. I know where he is, I know he is safe, and I can go and be near him. I miss him and I am so so sad, but I don't worry about him so much, if you see what I mean?

Going to have some quiet time with his pictures and his blanket and things tonight and light a candle. Will be thinking about all of us, and all our babies.

Oh kate, how awful. I'm sure they were mortified when they realised :(

fioled yes they were and I felt so sorry for them in a weird kind of way (iykwim)

mecha I know what you mean, about knowing where your baby is and that they are safe. That I the only thing keeping me going x I can't wait to be able to get my boys back to me. My poor dh has had to "deal" (in a nice way) with the telling of the majority of the people as pretty much as soon as anything is mentioned to me I burst into tears but he has just had to get on with it and that makes me sad again x

Also, I feel for you that your Dr didn't read your notes properly how completely unprofessional and insensitive. X

I know that I am a bit behind the time but I was just reading through some of the previous posts and saw THAT disgusting book, the front page of that book actually made me be a little bit sick in my mouth (tim sorry) I can't imagine that anyone finds this kind of "humour" funny. Is there a petition anywhere to get the book banned? If catcher in the rye can get banned then surely this one can too.x sorry if you've already broached this but I really am incensed!

Hi kate so sorry you are having such an awful time. My little boy Daniel was stillborn just over five weeks ago at full term and I regularly have those "can't believe this is happening" moments. In the lead up to the funeral there were times when I would find myself planning the service in quite a calm and business-like manner then all of a sudden the awful realisation of what I was actually doing would hit me. I dreaded it so much but I have to say the actual service was beautiful and comforting. I took great pride in planning all the details and it gave me some pleasure on the day to know that I did my best for him as I'm know you will do for your beloved boys.

Mecha - I've already had the call from the health visitor at my GP's surgery asking "How's baby?" Don't they read their notes??? It's so frustrating and unnecessary.

Tami I made a big point of going back to all our usual toddler groups a fortnight after Daniel died. Not sure what point exactly I was making but now I've done it once I've got no desire to go back to any of them again!!

Its starting, the wobbling and falling apart for the remainder of June is starting.

fioled. I'm dreading August and dreading October worse.

We are always with you fioled xxx

I know this poem has been posted a few times but I thought I would post it for the new mums and us old (and not so old) mums. xx

Ask My Mum How She Is

My Mum, she tells a lot of lies, she never did before,
From now until the day she dies, she'll tell a whole lot more.
She used to tell the truth a lot, but now it doesn't matter,
I died and went to heaven, now her life is all a-shatter?d.

Ask my Mum how she is, and she'll say "oh yes, I'm fine!"
She wants to beg, "Please help me, ?cause I?ve lost that boy of mine".
Ask my Mum how she is, and she'll say, "oh I'm alright",
If that's the truth then tell me please, why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mum how she is, ?cause she seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice, you see, nor yet the strength to yell.
You think you know the feeling, but in fact this cannot be,
For even though you loved me, it was not as much as she.

She?ll smile and she will tell you, "It's OK, God has a plan?
But then she?ll turn away and cry, ?cause she can't understand.
You tell a joke, she giggles, but in fact she?s not OK,
She wants to share the joke with me, but it won?t be today.

I watch her here in Heaven, her distress disturbs my peace,
Will someone please take care of her, and thus take care of me?
"Some day you will feel better", "Yes, I will, one day", she lies,
She knows this will not happen until the day she dies.

Ask my Mum how she is and she'll say, "I?m doing good",
She cannot tell you how she feels - oh, how I wish she could.
Ask my Mum how she is: "I'm ok, I'm fine, I'm coping.?
For God's sake, Mum! just tell the truth and say your heart is broken.

Ask my Mum how she is: she?ll reply "I'm well, and you??
I'll shake my head in Heaven, ?cause it simply isn't true.
She'll love me all her life, just like I loved her all of mine,
She'll lie and try to hide the pain, pretending that she's fine.

Her carnival is over, she's stepped off the carousel,
But to save you feeling bad she'll say, "Yes thankyou, all is well".
My Mum, she's not gone mad quite yet, but oh, so very nearly,
Don't ask her how she's doing; ask her how she?s doing ...really.

I?m watching her from Heaven, and I cannot hug from here,
If she lies to you, don't listen, but please hug her, hold her near.
On the day we meet for ever we shall smile and I'll be bold:
"You're lucky to get in here, Mum, with all the lies you've told