Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
hazygirl · 18/04/2011 12:55

candle lit here for Richard,thinking of you allx

woollyjo · 18/04/2011 13:37

Hi all - lurking away here and marking my place here in memory of Niamh who would be 2 this summer.

Love and strength to all you brave brave women x

Minione · 18/04/2011 14:45

Lavandes Thinking of you today and thinking of your precious Richard too. Hugs xx

Jane Oh love, it really is shit start for you. Thinking of you, ahng on in there and be strong (you are already are!). People can be insensitive but often they don't really think. Doesn't make it any easier though, does it? x

Caz Belle would be so proud of everything you're doing, I'm sure she is somewhere looking down on you thinking how brave and brilliant her Mummy is!X

AxisofEvil · 18/04/2011 15:02

Jane, I?m sorry about how things have gone. Very insensitive of your friend. Also terrible news about your other friend?s loss.

TooImmature2BMum · 18/04/2011 16:56

Jane, you are so brave going back to work! Big hugs for you after such a crap day. I saw your post on the gentle pregnancy thread - I too am just waiting for my period before ttc again! My family are convinced it's too early (Mum, Grandma and my sister in particular), which is really annoying me and DH. There's no guarantee it won't take me ages to conceive even if I start trying now (although I got pg the first month of trying with Thea), so they can sod off. If the hospital and community midwives don't think it's too soon, with all their experience, then my family can back off.

Sorry, I'm grumpy today because the MW was supposed to come and take bloods from me at 2 and not only has she not turned up, she hasn't called or answered her phone when I tried to call her. To make matters worse, this is the second time running this has happened. Last time DH got hold of her the day after she was supposed to come and she was very apologetic and said she had gone home ill and forgot to cancel. I wonder what it will be this time? I feel stuck, because she ought to have discharged us after 10 days and didn't so we could have some extra support, so I don't feel like I can complain.

janedoe25 · 18/04/2011 17:38

Tooimmature i have yet to tell my mum that we are going to start ttc in July/August, i am dreading it as she keeps mentioning that she hopes me or my sister dont get pg for at least a year as she wont be able to cope with the stress. DF and i are in the same mindest as u, its time to think of ourselves and not other people.

I would be annoyed at the midwife too, its so frustrating waiting around all day. Hope you are well x

spilttheteaagain · 18/04/2011 18:41

lavandes we're all holding your hand. I hope the day has treated you more gently than you were fearing x

jane that is very brave of you going back to work so soon. I went back after 6 weeks and found it utterly horrific and ended up doing a very slow phase in. I'm sorry your friend put you in such a tough position today. And so sorry to hear about your other friend's baby. There's just too much shit in the world Sad

tooimmature ignore other people's opinions and do what you and DH want to. From talking to people it seems that it's quite common to need a break before ttc again, and equally common to feel such a NEED to be pregnant again and ttc straightaway. I definitely needed to try straightaway. There's no right or wrong. ttc and being pregnant will be one hell of a different experience next time round, and grieving for Thea won't stop either. That mix of intense emotions is really hard and draining but it will be hard whenever it happens. Hope your family and friends can be a support, whatever their own feelings.

sh77 · 18/04/2011 18:42

hello all

it is my dd's second birthday today. she died a day after she was born. apart from my best friend and sis, not one person has called. dh swept it under the carpet. am in tears. sorry - just needed space to vent.

travellingwilbury · 18/04/2011 18:46

Hi sh , it is so hard when people who are supposed to love and care for us are so bloody thoughtless .

We are here with a hand and a shoulder if you ever need a good old rant xx

spilttheteaagain · 18/04/2011 18:52

I'm sorry sh77. People can be so rubbish Sad I have lots of rants in my head where I tell them how crap they are. Never actually do it really though.

Happy birthday to your little girl xx
Wishing you strength for tomorrow too.

woollyjo · 18/04/2011 18:55

Hi Sh77 is it too late to mark it even if dh doesn't want to talk? we have a candle I light when I'm thinking of Niamh or feeling particularly down, we light it on her birthday too.

Niamh's second birthday would have been this summer I heard from a few people last year - I wonder if anyone will remember this year.

travellingwilbury · 18/04/2011 18:56

spilt even when you do tell them they can still be rubbish . It took a lot of strength for me to tell a couple of people how crap they had been . They nodded and smiled (and cried) in all the right places but carried on being crap . Some people just can't do it . Nice for them to have the choice I reckon .

spilttheteaagain · 18/04/2011 19:03

Too right travellingwillbury! The friend I emailed the other day... has replied to a different group email I sent out about something else. Not a peep in response to my message setting her straight about the fact I consider myself very much a parent to a baby I gave birth to. I need to let it go before I see her in a few weeks, but I'm really pissed off just now.

janedoe25 · 18/04/2011 19:08

Im so sorry shh people can be rubbish, i hope you are ok. You and DD are in my thoughts. xxx

CheeseandGherkins · 18/04/2011 19:23

sh77 :( that's really shit, I'm sorry people are just ignoring you're dd's birthday. I'm dreading the time coming when our dates first come about as I'm pretty sure I know who won't bother with us :(

spilt I do the ranting in my head too, whole conversations, is that odd? Sorry your friend didn't respond to you, makes me wonder what's wrong with people sometimes. I find it so bloody hard to let things go, it just eats away at me.

woolly I hope people do remember, it's so so hurtful isn't it :(

travelling exactly what I think, it's nice they have the choice when we don't, they really should make the effort in my opinion as they don't always have to deal with the pain.

travellingwilbury · 18/04/2011 19:32

cheese ranting in your head is completely normal (by my standards anyway) the amount of conversations I have had in my head is unreal . It always ends with me looking marvellous and them understanding which is good x

spilt I am so sorry your friend has been rubbish but she has heard you and even if she is too much of a wuss to respond this time hopefully it will make her think twice the next time xx

TooImmature2BMum · 18/04/2011 20:26

Oh Sh. Happy birthday to your beautiful daughter - you must be so proud of having her!

I rant in my head and hold conversations too! Especially rehearsing unpleasant situations - which doesn't really help.

shabbapinkfrog · 18/04/2011 20:39

sh77 so sorry about your DD - so very sorry. xxx

LunaticFringe · 18/04/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lavandes · 18/04/2011 22:26

Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts. It has been a really difficult day. To be honest it has been as bad as I thought it would be. But I have now completed the worst year of my life. No other year will be worse. It could be the same but it will not be worse.

We took flowers to the crem. I always find that difficult, but of course today was worse.

But tomorrow is another day and I will pull myself back together, paint on my smile and breath.

Love to you all xx

peterpansmum · 18/04/2011 23:32

Sh77 just wanted to send you a hug... It's crap when those who are supposed to be close to us don't help, I remember you from the 'early days' as our bereavements were around the same time. Sometimes it feels like yesterday but other times it feels like a lifetime ago. Thinking of you n your daughter xxxx

CheeseandGherkins · 19/04/2011 00:18

lavandes been thinking of you and glad you got through today, not surprised it was hard. "paint on my smile", that's so true, have done that often recently.

Feeling bad tonight, I feel as though people expect me to be over it and fine even though it's only been 4 months. I still can't even believe that it happened. Can remember it all so vividly, I even remember the last movement I felt from Scarlett. We were actually on our way into hospital for me to be admitted for an unstable lie and the car broke down on the side of the motorway. It was dark I remember. I felt lots of kicks and then she poked out on my right side so much that I asked dh to feel too (he was on the phone to the recovery people) and he also felt her. Looking back it was quite poignant. So, so unfair. That was the last time I felt her move. Went in the next morning and they couldn't find a heartbeat, a few different midwives tried but nothing so they sent me upstairs for a scan. So many people in the room, I think I knew but still hoped that they'd say she was just lying in an odd position but no. They couldn't find a heartbeat. All I said was ok, I couldn't even speak or think. Hurts so much.

shabbapinkfrog · 19/04/2011 06:43

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 19/04/2011 07:22

Morning ladies xx

I am sorry you are hurting so much cheese It is so sad when people just don't 'get it' and expect you to be over it. I sometimes wonder if all these offers of help have a sell by date.

Mu SIL who should be the closest of our family did ring last night to say they had been thinking of us. I was crying and she went on to tell me their Easter plans. I fear I may have been unkind about her and that she does not have a clue what to say to me, I don't think she can get her head around what a big thing this is for us. I think she thinks that if she says we will be ok soon she really believes it. We know that that is not true. The flashbacks to what happened are so horrific but I think it will take much longer than this for them to happen less often. Remember 4 months is no time at all. xxx

kazmus · 19/04/2011 10:50

you are so right Lavandes, unless you have been in this position it is impossible to understand the depth of grief you feel, and there is no time limit. I attend a bereaved parents group where there are women who lost children over 30 years ago who still have a need to be among people who know how it feels. 4 months is nothing time wise, My dd has been gone 7 months now and I am still having 'firsts' that completely floor me. I thought I saw her coming out of a shop the other day and for that split second I thought it had all been a terrible mistake and then reality crashed home. Same week I had my first dream of her, it was beautiful and we were doing all the usual things together...and then I woke.:( Have to spend Easter with all the in laws who all have children her age. Outside face time I'm afraid.