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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

973 replies

frasersmummy · 15/04/2011 08:12

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

OP posts:
izzybiz · 16/04/2011 09:59

Hello ladies, I hope none of you mind me popping on to your thread.
My beautiful niece Freya died 6 years ago today from Pnemoccocal Meningitis aged only 19 months. Her mummy found this piece called 'Say her name' and its so beautifully written I wondered if I could share it with you all.
Much love to all of you and your precious angels xx

Say her name.

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how are we doing. Never is the name of our child mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Her Life slips from recall.

There are exceptions, close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent. But, for us the play will NEVER end.

The effects on us are timeless. Say HER NAME to us. On the stages of our lives she has been both leading and supporting actress. Love does not die. Her name is written on our lives. The sound of her voice replays within our minds.You feel she is dead. We feel she is of the dead but she still lives. She ghostwalk our souls, beckoning in future welcome.

You say she was our child. We say she is. Say HER NAME to us, and say HER NAME again. It hurts to bury her memory in silence. What she was in flesh is no part of our now. She was our hope for the future. You say not to remind us. How little you understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We understand you, but feel the pain in being forced to do so. We forgive you because you cannot know. And we would forgive you anyway. We accept how you see us, but understand you see us not at all. We strive not to judge you, but we wish that you could understand that we dwell in both flesh and in spirit. The mystery is that you do too, but know it not.

We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with her in the flesh, looking not to spirt worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost you cannot feel. What we have gained, you cannot see.

Say HER NAME for she is alive in us. She and we will meet again, although in many ways we've never parted. She and her life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets on our dreams. She is real and shadow, was and is.

Say HER NAME to us and say HER NAME again. She is our child and we love her as we always did.

shabbapinkfrog · 16/04/2011 11:39

Izzy I am very sorry to hear about Freya - there is NO death so sad as that of a child.

I have read those beautiful words over and over again - I dont think that I have ever read such honest and meaningful words. Thank you for sharing them with us.

xxx

Original poster
frasersmummy · 16/04/2011 12:19

hey ladies

Another year gone by without my boy (sigh)

what lovely and true words Izzy thanks for sharing them

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 16/04/2011 12:41

FMammy - its too hard isin't it? Holding you close xxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 16/04/2011 12:55

I've found you all.

Apologies I wasn't around yesterday FM. Needless to say I will be thinking of you all, and especially Fraser xxx

I can't believe it will be a year on Monday Lavandes. Your line of 'I am really 100 years away from being fine' has really struck a chord. You will all be in my thoughts too xxx

So sorry to hear about your niece Freya, it's a lovely gesture (to her and us) that you have come here and posted.

I'm 38 weeks pg and it's now the time of year when Cole first became ill. I'm just hoping my body can hold off having this baby on the anniv of C's first transplant. I don't think my body will allow it to happen, but it is there in the back of my mind. Luckily we've got a very busy Easter weekend coming up, so I hope I can focus on other things.

And breath ........................

shabbapinkfrog · 16/04/2011 13:51

OMG Moveit - 38 weeks

xxxxx

Original poster
frasersmummy · 16/04/2011 14:15

right while shabs is running around being doing the hollywood version of chilbirth..Wink

The rest of us will running around finding loads of pads for you and loads of vests and sleepsuits for baby... we are all praying for a safe and happy outcome for you all. Have a lovely busy weekend and remember to keep us posted

How are you holding up lavandes?? the first anniversary is the worst. The seventh isnae much better but the first is definately the worst.. and the lesson I have still to learn 7 years on is that there is no solace at the bottom of a bottle either

OP posts:
TTTwosAWOL · 16/04/2011 17:48

{{{ Lavandes }}} Just tip-toeing in quietly to let you know that you're very much in my thoughts over the next few days. I do think the run up to the actual day is worse, but just remember, it isn't happening again - and when you get through it, although it is still shit, it is no more shit than it was before. Tight hug to you xx

lavandes · 16/04/2011 19:24

Thanks for all your kind words and thoughts. It is a very difficult weekend but I am determined to survive. xx

Original poster
frasersmummy · 16/04/2011 19:40

I love that comment ..... and when you get through it, although it is still shit, it is no more shit than it was before...

we are to help you survive lavandes... give us your hand and if you stumble we will be here to pick you up

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hazygirl · 16/04/2011 20:12

lavendas,thinking of you .big hugs,xx

Minione · 16/04/2011 21:21

Thanks for starting the thread FM, I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday and hope you got through ok. Sending you love and hugs.

Thinking of you too, Lavandes, I hope Monday goes as well as it can and isn't too unbearable.

I'm finding this pregnancy so hard. I try to act positive but I keep thinking something bad will happen. I met my new midwife on Monday. She knew nothing about Malachy, she thought I had a baby premature and was still living Sad. She then tried to find a heartbeat and it took an age, by this point I was reliving my fool of a doctor telling me that my heartbeat was my baby's. She eventually found it and seemed amazed that a doctor would think an adult's heartbeat was an unborn child's (explained about how much faster babies heartbeats are and demonstrated this on me!) I guess by this point I was relieved but I found it quite a stressful experience.

Hope everyone is ok, love to you all.

LunaticFringe · 16/04/2011 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
frasersmummy · 16/04/2011 22:43

ooh mini.. what a terrrible appt for you

Why cant these people do a proper handover of notes so we dont need to start expaining it all over again

When she couldnt find the heartbeat you must have felt awful... glad she made you feel better in the end

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lavandes · 17/04/2011 00:13

Hi everyone xx

Thankyou all for your kind messages xx

You will never know how you have all helped me over the past year, I will be eternally grateful to you all for ever. This is the only place I have been able to be totally honest.

My heart has been broken by the loss of our beloved Richard, he was not a baby but a grown man of just 34 years, but I have been supported by all you mums of children who were babies, toddlers and older children. At first I thought I was in 'the wrong place' but I came to understand that the age of our children didn't matter, we were all in the 'same boat'.

I find it so sad that I am getting so much support from friends here on this site than I am getting from certain members of our family who should be our first point of support IYSWIM.

Love to you all xx

CazandBelle · 17/04/2011 07:00

Wales on Sunday today: www.walesonline.co.uk/showbiz-and-lifestyle/health-and-beauty-in-wales/2011/04/17/stillbirth-devastated-our-lives-say-couple-raising-money-for-sands-91466-28533001/

Belle's memory book is expanding rapidly this week isn't it!!

kazmus · 17/04/2011 09:49

lavandes, I totally get what you are saying having lost an adult child. Sometimes it is so hard to follow the threads even on here as the loss of hopes for the future kick in...no more babies in this household, and no hope of grandchildren now either. It's the total loss of that future that hurts so much....and as for family!!!!!! My father has not even mentioned her name since she died and if he rings at a bad time will just say 'oh well' and change the subject. Thinking of you tomorrow and hope you get peace of mind.

shabbapinkfrog · 17/04/2011 09:51

Morning girls xx

spilttheteaagain · 17/04/2011 10:32

Morning all x

Caz that is a beautifully written article/interview in heartbreaking detail.

lavandes thinking of you these few days. Be brave and tell people how hard it is. Hope you can have some time away from the daily grind to process it all x

mini so sorry your MW hadn't looked up your situation and made that horrible mistake. How many weeks are you? Waiting for the heartbeat to be picked up is excruciating isn't it. My own goes absolutely through the roof at that point and they have taken a few moments to tell the two apart. Mine goes up to about 120 and the baby's is only 140.

Love the Say Her Name piece.

Xenia · 17/04/2011 10:35

I'm sure the loss of an adult child is equally as bad. None of us expects to live longer than our children.

Original poster
frasersmummy · 17/04/2011 12:15

we truly expect our kids to be burying us not the other way around. your hopes and dreams die with your kids its just I imagine the hopes and dreams are more clear cut with an adult child

I dont know but I suspect that as your kids start to get into teenage years and beyond that you see they type of person they are becoming and your dreams of what they will do for a living become a reality.

and then they are taken from you

Frasers headstone reads.. tread softly - our dreams lie buried here... he could have been any age and this would be appropriate

My mum wont say Frasers name .... and she has told me in the past that Fraser wasnt really part of the family.. "I mean he didnt even draw breath"... My dad is a keen gardener and quite often he will say I have planted this for Fraser, I am bringing this plant on in the greenhouse for Fraser, or this plant is blooming now.. can you take me up to Fraser with it.

Strange how 2 parents can act completly differently to each other

My inlaws will say they have been to his garden though they insist on the word graveyard which I hate

Anyway I am prattling on for no good reason..take care everyone

OP posts:
lavandes · 17/04/2011 12:33

I miss the 'little things'. He would be at work with the radio on and a song would come on and no-one could think who it was. He would ring me and say' who sang?' I would tell him if I knew 'thanks bye'.

I would ring him for cooking tips. I still think 'oh i'll ask Richard'.

We went to concerts together. I haven't been to one since he died but I am going to see Brandon Flowers in July at the Eden Project where we used to go. That will be a big milestone for me, the last time was when we went to see Oasis and had a great time.

As your children grow into adults you have a different relationship, but they are always your children . If that makes sense. I miss the chats about nothing in particular. xx

lavandes · 17/04/2011 12:59

I remember one Sunday we were all at my SIL's she was making gravy and he threw it down the sink. She said 'what's he doing' he said ' no-one is eating bisto gravy when I am in the house. It was so funny. I am reminising and I can't spell today. xx

shabbapinkfrog · 17/04/2011 13:47

Oh Lavendes - 'I miss the chats about nothing' - that struck a cord in my heart.

My Matty was almost 8 when he was killed - I too miss our chats about nothing. I miss his daft, rude jokes where he couldn't get to the end because he couldn't stop laughing. I miss his big shiny eyes that would 'puppy dog' plead with me when he wanted something. I....just...miss....HIM. xxx

Holding you close and offering my hand if you falter on this bloody awful crappy path we all have to walk. xxxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 17/04/2011 14:05

Just making the Sunday dinner - got the gravy granules out Blush and whispered 'Sorry Richard!!' My family are already convinced I am barking mad - this will confirm their fears Smile