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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, If only for a while, to know you're there.

946 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 04/10/2010 10:08

Our thread to honour and remember our precious children who sadly are not 'physically' here xxxxx

OP posts:
shabbadabbadingdong · 05/10/2010 08:05

Good to see you Caz xxx

lavandes · 05/10/2010 09:23

Thankyou for starting the lovely new thread shabs.

To be honest I am very upset and unsettled about all the crap of the last few days. I wasn't going to post here about it but I don't want to post on the other thread. Sorry if this is wrong. I just do not know what to believe and the thought of my posts being picked over by a load of people I have never seen on here makes me feel physically sick.

I think it all has made me deviate from the reason I came here in the first place. I have gained such comfort from you all.

I hope everyone can move on from this and we can continue to support eachother and other newly bereaved mums in the future. xx

Heliantha · 05/10/2010 10:02

Just after my son died, I joined a forum for bereaved parents because I needed an outlet for the sheer horror of it all without constantly burdening people who were also experiencing their own pain. There were some very kind people there, but also some very odd ones and, as it was all wrapped up in grief, no-one called them on it. That sounds terribly unkind, but I didn't want to be there. It later transpired that at least one person had infiltrated the site to 'gain insight' into what it was like being a bereaved parent and had posted pretending to have lost a child.

I found this site when I was pregnant with DS4, lurked a while, then peeped round the door here. Unfortunately, soon after, the DM debacle occurred and I'm afraid I scurried off. Having just tiptoed back in, I am dismayed by the latest furore but think that, above all, it has strengthened this little group. I think we should all link arms and sing 'We shall overcome!' very loudly :)

I do wonder, however, if we should ask if this section could be taken out of Active Conversations. Not hidden, as being part of the larger whole is one of our greatest strengths, but taken one step away from random clickers. Many of our new ones come from links so I would hope it wouldn't mean people missed us. What do you think?

shabbadabbadingdong · 05/10/2010 10:10

Not sure what I think - I do think we have to become more cautious but - there again - how the hell do we do that Confused Im so delighted to see you all -

We shall overcommmmmmmmmmmme!!

MissM · 05/10/2010 10:40

Hello everyone, I hope you don't mind me intruding (as I sometimes do). We're very close to the second anniversary of my brother's death so my emotions are everywhere.

Anyway, something happened today and I wanted to ask your very esteemed opinions before I do anything about it. I took our next door neighbour's little girl (I'll call her LG) to school today (she and my DD have recently started in reception). While I was putting on my makeup the girls were chatting about brothers and sisters. LG said 'I haven't got any brothers or sisters, I'm all alone. I had a sister but she's in heaven.' (I've not got that word for word but the gist).

Now, her mum has mentioned about having difficulties getting pregnant with LG, but never that she's lost a child (no reason for her to do so obviously). So I'm wondering whether I should ask her about this. Would try to make sure I say something gentle like 'LG mentioned that she had a sister in heaven, and I just wondered whether you'd lost a child'. Or should I not say anything until she tells me of her own free will? To be honest I'd find it hard to say as I think it would be very emotional for me either way (she doesn't know about my brother).

Anyway, any advice would be gratefully received - not sure who else would give as sound help. I hope you don't think I'm being horribly insensitive or stupid.

deemented · 05/10/2010 10:47

G'morning folks.

I've come to do some gardening. I have my trowel and gloves, and a jungle of plants. I've not really got very green fingers, but i'm willing to give it a go.

So here goes..

There is a very special garden, hidden away from the rest of the house, you can only get through it from an old squeaky gate that's long since overgrown. Push the gate, it gives surprisingly easily, and once inside theres a garden so full of flowers and so full of love that it fair near takes your breath away. In this special garden there white roses for CazEM, snowdrops and Irises for TravellingWillbury, big huge sunflowers and delicate forget-me-nots for Shabbs, little leo sunflowers for PPM, there's nine cream roses especially for Charleyhorse, theres red and white roses, in Arsenal colours for lavandes. There's yellow roses for mmmmmmbuttons, and a rose especially for Maxine's son, from fluffydonkey. There's daffodils for sh77, and more sunflowers from Minione. In the hedgerow, theres even more sunflowers just for heliantha. There's narcissus for LittleRedDragon, and red roses for mumsoverseas. There's rosemary for rememberance for woollyjo and some more daffodils for gardeningmum05, as well as purple irises for mommymeaghan. For arses, there is white roses for Uncle peter, a white pansy for cousin sophie, bright beautiful yellow flowers for cousin vicky and a single lilly for Andrew. There's a buddeila for TheFirstMrsDeVere and for loopyloops there are soft pink roses. There's yellow roses there for me too. There's birdseed for the robins for Everlong, and another feeder for the birds for Fudgecat.

Our garden is breathtakingly beautiful, and a welcome respite for all that seek comfort, love, reassurance and understanding. It is open to all, and all are welcome.

shabbadabbadingdong · 05/10/2010 10:52

Perfect Dee.....just perfect xx

travellingwilbury · 05/10/2010 10:56

Well done Dee you have done a grand job xx

MissM Do you walk up to school together in the mornings ? Maybe ask her round for a coffee when the children aren't there and mention it . I honestly wouldn't mind anybody asking me about Harry and in a lot of ways I would be very relieved for it to be out in the open .

I know it is scary but I am sure you will do it in the right way xx

lavandes · 05/10/2010 11:02

thanks dee that sounds perfect xx

love to you all xx

Heliantha · 05/10/2010 11:20

Thank you Dee.

PPM - I didn't realise the little leo sunflowers were planted by you (& big ones from Shabbs alongside Minione's too). I love little smiling sunflowers :)

I'm here for a bit of advice. I'm doing a post grad course at the local university at the moment and got an email from them yesterday entitled: Have you experienced a sudden or unexpected bereavement? I should add that I am not doing a course that has any link to bereavement. This was a request to take part in a survey (supported by Cruse & the Samaritans). I emailed the senders to say I was rather shocked to find this in my personal email & their reply was basically: sorry to hear that, but it passed the ethics committee & we want to reach those who don't normally access services. They added a lot of detail about what they are doing and it looks interesting and useful. Unfortunately I am apparently too old(?!) to take part What do you all think? A few months ago, this would have floored me: just seeing the email title was horrible. If it had arrived on a 'bad' day/hour/minute, it would have been, at best, very upsetting. As it is, I don't know whether to shrug it off or to respond again.

mmmmmbuttons · 05/10/2010 11:29

Thank you Dee xxx

zeno · 05/10/2010 11:35

Just planted some Valerian for dd.

MissM · 05/10/2010 11:51

Thanks for the response TW. We do walk to school - I could take her for a coffee and bring it up. I want to be a bit careful in case LG is repeating something she's heard rather than the truth IYSWIM. I don't mean that unkindly - I'm not saying she's lying at all, but her mum has mentioned in the past that she says things that aren't true from time to time if she's heard other people talking. So I want to be really careful in case it isn't true and her mum's shocked and upset that her daughter's saying that kind of thing.

On the other hand if it is true I don't want to pretend it's never happened - so many people did that with my brother and it hurt horribly. I think if someone inadvertently found out about him I'd want them to ask me about it.

Your garden is beautiful by the way Dee.

lottiejenkins · 05/10/2010 13:21

I personally dont think we should be taken out of active conversations..... we havent done anything wrong ourselves! Just my thoughts!!

shabbadabbadingdong · 05/10/2010 14:08

I agree Lottie x

Minione · 05/10/2010 14:24

Dee - the garden sounds beautiful. Well done x

Caz - good to hear from you, yes we're still here, singing 'we shall overcome'!!!

Lavandes - i agree! Its been a strange few days but at least we've still got our thread (Thanks Shabs!)

I think we should stay where we are, as Lottie said , we haven't done anything wrong.

hazygirl · 05/10/2010 14:24

well done dee,its lovely

frasersmummy · 05/10/2010 14:27

somewhere along the line my snow drops got missed so can I plant them again .. if they come up twice I promise to share!!

No we shouldnt get taken out of active convos....

I find being part of active convos encourages other mnetters to pop in and say hello and offer support even if they havent been bereaved. I think thats lovely

Would be more lovely if they brought wine or choc cake of course.. but hey at least they visit

I think most of the mums on here joined from another thread where one of us posted a link inc sassy

anyway I am off to the borders at the weekend for a week so I have 3 days to get washing up to date, clean the house (so when i come back in I dont think oh god) and pack
and then I wont be connected when I am away

So if you dont see me around I havent done a runner ..honest

frasersmummy · 05/10/2010 14:32

oh and sparky posted on our previous thread yesterday....

asking if she could join us.. poor girl sounds really upset

I have pm'd her the new link

hope she finds us

deemented · 05/10/2010 16:25

I'm sorry if i missed anyone out Blush Told you i was a crap gardenerBlush

shabbadabbadingdong · 05/10/2010 16:33

I dont know how you got all that information in the first place to be honest, it must have taken you ages. It looks brilliant xxx

lottiejenkins · 05/10/2010 18:56

Message from MNHQ on the old thread!!

everlong · 05/10/2010 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbadabbadingdong · 05/10/2010 22:18

Everybody OK? I will be doing a roll call first thing in the morning Grin Just wanted to check on all of you xxxxxx

Minione · 05/10/2010 22:28

All ok here! Like your new name.

Found out a girl in my A-level class has had a miscarriage. I'm sure getting pregnant wasn't part of her life plan as she is planning on going to uni next year but such a sad thing for her to have to go through at such a young age. We've been told not to mention it to her when she returns but I have told the relevant people that if she does want to talk I'd be happy to (happy isn't really the right word but you know what I mean).