Unjust custody situation

[Helloworldz87]

What would you do? Long story short. Move in with husband and his family. Naive. Didn't know how controlling they were going to get. Get pregnant early on in the relationship. My father promises to sell his vintage car if we ever need it. Later renegs it. Won't explain why. Gaslights me. After the baby is born. Get Post natal depression. Husband's parents kick us out. Husband loses his job xand I couldn't get work. My parents go overseas for months. My parents eventually get back. My in laws use the legal system against me and file for custody of my daughter. Husband begs me back. Many empty promises of getting custody of my daughter back. Move in with him (without in laws) Many empty promises of getting our daughter back. Marriage becomes financially, emotionally and physically abusive. Move back in with my parents and baby. I feel like such a fool. But don't get any answers as to why my father screwed us over? Apparently if CPS was involved in my daughter case, this would've never happened.

So you were both deemed as unfit to look after the child then really?

And your father does not need to apologise for not selling his car, he was always entitled to change his mind. And he doesn't even have to give you a reason for it.

Completely disagree. If I had done what my father did, he'd be verbally abusing me

The things is, you picked the car as the catalyst for everything and the one thing that went wrong. It wasn't. The whole situation was unsustainable and by the sounds of it toxic, including your actual relationship with your husband. It didn't necessarily make things worse. It wouldn't have necessarily made things better either.

Your father might be an arsehole, I don't know him, but he didn't cause this. Why are you focusing your anger and resentment only on him?

The in laws also made me so she didn't bond with me properly. They undermined me and took over at every point.

Ignoring all the irrelevant stuff about cars, gaslighting and apologies, you have to concentrate on what is best for your daughter. You say yourself that she doesn't really communicate with you and you don't know if she's happy. So from that I don't see a close relationship or a desperate yearning from her to be with you. Concentrate on building a positive healthy relationship with her, become a person she wants to see and wants to talk to. You're too wrapped up in wanting apologies, explanations and blame dished out to others. Forget that and concentrate on what's best for your daughter

Am I missing something or are you and your second child still living with your dad?

OP, I'm not sure this thread is helpful for you.

I am glad you now feel you have the support in your life that you need and that you are looking to get a job and some independence from your family.

Many posters have suggested that you stop blaming your dad and the car for what has happened to you and yet you seem unable to let go of this.

No-one can say what would have happened if your parents had been more supportive, if your in-laws hadn't been 'manipulative', if your ex hadn't been abusive, if you hadn't suffered from PND. But you are in the situation you are in.

It sounds as though you do have contact with your daughter, though it doesn't sound close. Your responses to pp's questions about that relationship refer to getting information out of her. This is an unusual response and I haven't seen from your posts that you are focussed on what is best for your daughter and her needs and your energy and attention is on the wrongs you have suffered.

I wish you the best and hope you are able to heal.

The difference being that you are not nor have ever been in a position of stability.
He is so awful you've he's gone onto allow you and your child to live with him?

Are you the family scape goat or just the family screw up who's exhausted and used up all sympathy and assistance?

You take zero accountability.

I have an extremely difficult father. He has real personality and substance abuse issues. I deal with him by setting physical and emotional boundaries.

if your father is causing you this much stress, you should focus on finding independent housing. You need to remove him from your daily life.

if you have a caseworker, I would discuss your options with them.

Well I wouldn't have screwed up if my father had cared about anything other than himself, in the first place. And if he's word actually meant something

Don't know why the court never offered us the supports, everyone else gets. My in laws made sure they alienated me from the start and that she bonded more with them instead.

My marriage also fell apart from all of this

My dad had everything to do with it. He only cares about himself and getting his own way no matter what

I'm sorry but it sounds like you are blaming everyone else. For everything.
Even if your dad did sell his car there's nothing to say your marriage wouldn't have broke down and you wouldn't have gotten pnd and the other diagnosis anyway. So what if he was a hypocrit? Most people are.

Stop focusing on your dad and blaming everyone else.
Get yourself happy and healthy and build a relationship with your daughter.

There was just no reason for the in laws to destroy my family. And I get no answers why I wasn't given any supports

You are asking for something he is incapable of giving to you. I spent a long time just wanting my abusive XH to even just acknowledge the damage he'd done, but he's incapable of that, let alone giving an apology. You want something from your father he cant give you. You're harming yourself and your chance of a good relationship with your daughter by focusing on something that isn't possible. The past is done, what he did, what happened its happened and nothing can change that. What you might be able to change is the future.

At 10 she may be listened to though not as much as an older 13+ child. If the diagnosis is still existing and you're not on medication Id be looking to get something to say you'd don't have it or its being managed well without medication. The fact you have sole custody of your younger DC should work in your favour as showing you're fit to be a full time parent of your older DC too. Her age may work against you though. She may want to keep the status quo. The longer you wait the harder this will get. Focus that energy and anger on something you actually have a chance of changing rather than focusing on something your father isn't capable of ever giving you.

Do you take any personal responsibility for the situation you are in, that is, not having custody of your daughter? It seems like you are blaming everyone else for the flimsiest of reasons without having any insight that this mess is down to you. You didn't lose your child just because you had PND, that doesn't happen. There are clearly multiple factors at play here. What steps have you taken to get custody back? How long ago did you lose custody? You don't seem to have much of a relationship with your daughter despite contact visits, are you trying to address this? And for goodness sake, if your dad is such a terrible person, why are you living with him? This has nothing to do with him not selling his car!!

You did that yourself, and no I don't care how that sounds

How would you know? As I said before there isn't a day that goes by, where I haven't blamed myself for being naive. It's called parental alienation look it up. That's why I don't have much of a relationship with her. It's hard when she tells me nothing

That makes zero sense

Why do you live with your dad if you hate him so much?

did you move out and leave your daughter with the in laws? That’s the only thing I can think of why they would have gotten custody. I’m in Australia too and they don’t just take custody of parents on flimsy unfounded accusations. However if they cared for her from a baby and you moved out and left her with them for an extended period, then yes, they would say it’s best for her to stay with them.

you need to stop seeing yourself as a victim, and take responsibility for yourself. Regardless of your dad being apparently so awful he has taken you in now. And I doubt very much if he had sold the car and given you the money that you would still have it. You have said the ex was financially abusive. You’d prob be in the same situation as now but your dad would be down his car.

Yes we had an agreement to increase the days we had with her. Well they went back on their word and my husband wouldn't do anything. I didn't know what to do and there was no CPS to ask

Until you stop living in the past, you're never going to move on. If you are serious about increasing your time with your daughter, and at 10 yo with limited contact to now that's what it would be, you need to assess what YOU need to do for that to happen.

If you are like you are on here when seeing your daughter, it's no wonder she's reticent to discuss things. Speak to a counsellor. Start working on you and what you can do to improve your relationship with your daughter.

It's not about events from a decade ago. They've happened and can't be changed. You're stuck there and you need to move forward. It's hard to let go of something you've clung to for 10 years, but that's what you need to do. Reading your posts, i think the only way you will be able to do that is to see a professional.