Unjust custody situation

[Helloworldz87]

What would you do? Long story short. Move in with husband and his family. Naive. Didn't know how controlling they were going to get. Get pregnant early on in the relationship. My father promises to sell his vintage car if we ever need it. Later renegs it. Won't explain why. Gaslights me. After the baby is born. Get Post natal depression. Husband's parents kick us out. Husband loses his job xand I couldn't get work. My parents go overseas for months. My parents eventually get back. My in laws use the legal system against me and file for custody of my daughter. Husband begs me back. Many empty promises of getting custody of my daughter back. Move in with him (without in laws) Many empty promises of getting our daughter back. Marriage becomes financially, emotionally and physically abusive. Move back in with my parents and baby. I feel like such a fool. But don't get any answers as to why my father screwed us over? Apparently if CPS was involved in my daughter case, this would've never happened.

Nah, that's not what I asked is it?

Either you don't possess the ability or intellectual to process your situation and how you've created it.

Or you're purposely ignorant and manipulative

I'm nowhere near as manipulative as my in laws thanks

You would be there. Because at one point you and your husband had no income. You would have any house they gave you money for.

You would be exactly where you are right now. That's why the car is irrelevant.

They were supposed to do the meetings aswell which they promised. And never did

Which meetings?

With the right supports, I've been able to be a very good parent, thank you very much jerk

With the in laws

That wouldn’t have changed the out come of court ordered custody of your child.

you argued they didn’t let you grow up. Then argued that they went away and didn’t meet up with your in laws, leaving you to deal with it like an adult. because you think that magically would have fixed things.

It wouldn’t. The money wouldn’t have changed anything. The meetings wouldn’t have changed anything.

They then took you in so you could give your other child a stable home. And that’s not good enough.

If they aren’t good enough, move out. Stop taking off them if it’s never enough.

Have you?
You can't even support yourself.
Being a good parent involves providing for your child.
Which you can't do

The meetings should have prevented this whole thing though

First it was that the car would have prevented this, now its that the meetings would have.

Unfortunately you need to let go and accept that nothing would have changed the situation. You were both in a home you couldn't afford and you were deemed unfit parents to the degree that a court rewarded custody of your daughter to your in laws. The same daughter you abandoned with them, thereby creating the grounds that they were the primary carers.

You need to accept that YOUR actions are what led to this point, not anything anyone else did. And you need to find a way to heal so that you can try to build a future.

It's outstanding how little you actually mention what your daughter wants, thinks or feels. Its all you you you. Chances are she doesn't trust you as she feels like you abandoned her (which you did), and that she wouldn't want to move to live with you. She has had 10 years of being raised by her grandparents, of consistency in care and stability. She should not be taken from that and thrown into what I can only view as chaos.

Work on building that relationship with your daughter so that you can be in her life as she grows up. And work on getting independent and standing on your own 2 feet.

I didn't abandon her. They completely lied and manipulated the situation.We had an agreement to increase the days and they never did. My husband wouldn't do anything and I had no supports and didn't know what to do

No they wouldn’t.

just like the car wouldn’t. Your parents couldn’t have changed your in laws actions.

You left your child in the care of your inlaws. For a long time. Your in-laws would have needed legal custody to be affective care givers. Schools, doctors etc.

Stop blaming everyone else. And again, if you really believe you parents are to blame, then move out. Stop taking their financial and practical help.

You moved out and left your baby behind to be cared for by other people. You abandoned her. You may have arranged to visit her but you handed off her primary care for an extended period of time with no end date in sight.

Your husband was clearly a waste of space though.

As I said they completely manipulated the situation

As we’ve said many, many times, even if the car / meetings / having social care involved would have changed anything then, you cant change the past.

The only way to build a good life for yourself and your children is to focus on now and the future.

You have the power to change those, but you need to hugely change your mindset first.

You have to take responsibility. Stop with the blaming; start with the planning.

She was your baby. You move out you take the baby with you. They don’t have to ‘let’ you have your own baby. They don’t have to ‘agree’ you pick up your child and leave. If they wanted to stop you they could call the police and they wouldn’t have a leg to stand on because you are the mother. ‘Agreement to increase days’ presumably means that you at this time saw your daughter at least some of the time. You just don’t drop her back? She’s your child. They can’t dictate to you when you see your own child. No doubt they have made you feel like they held all the power here but the reason the courts awarded them custody is because you let them have her. Even if you think they manipulated you, at the end of the day you made the decision to leave without your child. So that’s what the courts ruled on. You can’t change that. You can only try to focus on her now. And wallowing in self pity isn’t going to help her or yourself.

This would've been helpful 8 years ago

Well someone has to care about fairness because the neuro typicals dont

If you cared so much about fairness you'd support yourself and your child.

You don't want fair. You want handouts and to ensure you are consistently the victim.

And how's that working out for you? Because from here it looks like your obsession with fairness is fucking up your life. Lots of people, NT included, care about fairness, but there's a big difference between caring about it and being obsessed to the point it's detrimental to your own life.

I could reel of a list of 'unfair' things from my life, some very much my parents responsibility. Abuse, poverty, narc parent, drinking parent, child carer, disabling horrible chronic illness that means I can't work, abusive husband, living in fear in my own home, kids with SEN who need so much and deserve better than a sick mum and an abusive dad, the horrible pain Ive been in 24/7 for over 30 years, having a suicidal child. Ongoing abuse through the kids from my XH. I could go on. None of it has been fair. You can obsess and let it destroy your life or you can work on putting it behind you and moving on. You seem to see you're obsession as some kind of worthwhile thing, but really all you're doing is wasting your life.

Not at all

I just wish there was something I could do, so someone else doesn't get they're family destroyed like this

What else am I supposed to do at this point?