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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should look after our own children?

423 replies

ContentedVanilla · 13/06/2010 15:28

Why do people choose to have children if they don't want to actually do the job of looking after them? What are you getting out of it if someone else is looking after them?

If you and your partner both want a full time career then why have you chosen to have a child?

I'm not just being a bitch, I really am genuinely curious as to what people's reasons are and what makes them want children.

I read on another thread that a lady dreads the days she is not at work but at home with her child. Is it a case of not realising what it will really be like until you've done it?

OP posts:
misdee · 13/06/2010 15:31

some people have to have both parents working to pay the bills.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 13/06/2010 15:31
compo · 13/06/2010 15:33

Well some people can't afford to work part time or stay at home

others like school age kids and not preschoolers so are having kids for the long term benefits

some don't want to give up their career because it's very hard to get back on tge career ladder and going part time may not be an option

what is your situation? Stay at home with a rich husband?

Nancy66 · 13/06/2010 15:33

some people simply can't survive unless both parents work.

In which case they should go through life childless - is that right?

I daresay you'd have something to say if they gave up work and lived on benefits instead.

I'm actually strongly opposed to small children being in nursery care but I still think you're out of order.

windywendy · 13/06/2010 15:34

YABU

roslily · 13/06/2010 15:35

My ds was an accident, we both have to work in order to pay mortgage. We are in negative equity, so downsizing isn't an option.

Not my choice, I would love to look after my son.

warthog · 13/06/2010 15:37

yabu

and judgmental. and naive.

not everyone has the option of staying at home.

sometimes parenting is bloody hard and sometimes we wish we could have a break too.

how old are your kids? i'd like to do a spot of judging myself.

secunda · 13/06/2010 15:37

Some people don't find small children that fascinating. They will only be small children for about 5 years out of the 60 or so that you may be a parent to them

babywalks · 13/06/2010 15:37

This thread has obviously just been started to wind people up.

What a boring day you must be having ContentedVanilla. I take it you are a SAHM with a wealthy husband? How nice for you.

Original poster
ContentedVanilla · 13/06/2010 15:38

Yes, I am 'stay at home with rich DH'. I think it is ok for one parent to work and one to stay at home and for them to claim benefits though if the one at work isn't earning enough for the family to survive.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 13/06/2010 15:38

YABU, naive and judgemental; and you are likely to get flambéed quite severely for it.

helyg · 13/06/2010 15:39

Some people need to work financially.
Some people need to work for their own sanity.
Some people don't want to take a 5 year break and then find out that all the hard work they put in building up their career was for nothing.

If you do work, and especially if you work FT, it can be hard changing gear from a busy and vibrant workplace to the monotony of life with a baby. Plus you've got a better chance of having a tea break in work...

Different people make different choices. It doesn't make one right and the other wrong.

There are so many trade offs as a parent, and it seems sometimes that you are wrong whatever you choose. Work FT and you are "abandoning" your child to evil childcare and shouldn't have bothered having a child in the first place. Be a SAHM and you are mollycoddling your child and not giving your daughter a strong role model. Work PT and you are neither fish nor fowl, and still wrong!

And if you genuinely knew exactly what being a mum would be like before you were one, then I would be suprised. I know I didn't!

NomDePlume · 13/06/2010 15:39

Have you a hard hat, OP ?

Some parents have no choice BUT to work f/t from a financial point of view, despite wanting nothing more than being able to stay at home with their kids.

Some parents love their children but also love their careers and have worked incredibly hard to get there and don't want to give it up to bake and make plasticine models all day.

Some people don't have a career that can be done on a p/t basis without losing out hugely.

Your OP suggests that ft working parents, and by parents, I am assuming you mean mothers really, aren't loving, devoted parents. That's neither fair nor accurate in 99.9% of cases.

ladysybil · 13/06/2010 15:40

coz they had sex and got pregnant; felt they couldnt abort, so had to go through with the pregnancy. are not terrible enough people to neglect the kids enough for social services to take them.
etc etc

unavailable · 13/06/2010 15:41

Wow, what kind of rarified, unreal world do you live in?

Dont you know any single parents or couples who need 2 wages to survive?

In your reality, how does should it work?

Your name suits you, btw.

ChocolatePants · 13/06/2010 15:42

Sadly, I think you are naive, ignorant, or both.

Wonder why you started such an obviously contentious thread.

BuzzingNoise · 13/06/2010 15:42

please tell me what benefits I can claim so I can stay at home and still pay the bills on just dh's salary.

tethersend · 13/06/2010 15:43

OP, there are children across the country who are genuinely not wanted by their parents. Whether these parents work or not is somewhat academic.

What you are implying is an insult to those children who are genuinely neglected- but then I suppose that since you feel so strongly about this issue, you campaign on their behalf?

mumblechum · 13/06/2010 15:43

Because small children are deeply boring but they do get more interesting later on?

There are hundreds of reasons.

biddyofsuburbia · 13/06/2010 15:43

can't be bothered.

ChocolatePants · 13/06/2010 15:44

This is your first post?

Hmmmmm indeed, think you need a hobby on a Sunday afternoon.

Obviously a wind up- agree with NormanStanley.

thesecondcoming · 13/06/2010 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frakkit · 13/06/2010 15:45

Some people find children of a particular age difficult to handle. All children go through trying stages when you dread being with them all day, every day - and I say that as a childcare professional who chose to work with other people's children! 90% of the time I love my job but in each and every job there's definitely been a couple of weeks where I've just dreaded going to work because there hasn't been anything positive. Small children, at certain points, just take, take, take and give nothing back and it's a pretty thankless task caring for them. There are just certain phases that you have to live day by day, wishing them away, or where you dread days at home having to deal with endless questions, tantrums and unreasonable behaviour. It doesn't mean you don't love them and doesn't mean that you dread all the time your spend with them.

It's certainly not a child/career one-or-the-other dichotomy. Most people don't spend 24/7 working with their children in childcare. Even children with 2 working parents spend the majority of their lives with their parents and not in childcare....

In any case having children is a social necessity really - who's going to be around to pay your state pension if you don't do your bit for keeping the population stable or care for you in your old age if the state fails?

DuelingFanjo · 13/06/2010 15:46

OMG. does the same person keep coming back with different names to say the same old thing or are there really that manyh people out there who have such stupid ideas and prejudices against working parents?

I am going to have a much wnted baby in Dec and hope to be back in work after about 8 months maternity leave.

I want to work so bite me.

Why not just live your life like you want to and stop being so bloody closed minded and judgemental about other people you daft cow!

DuelingFanjo · 13/06/2010 15:48

or to put it another way which may suit you better?

Why do people choose to have children if they don't want to actually do the job of looking after them? What are you getting out of it if someone else is looking after them? because they are evil

If you and your partner both want a full time career then why have you chosen to have a child? because they are evil

Is that what you wanted to hear?

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