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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think we should look after our own children?

423 replies

ContentedVanilla · 13/06/2010 15:28

Why do people choose to have children if they don't want to actually do the job of looking after them? What are you getting out of it if someone else is looking after them?

If you and your partner both want a full time career then why have you chosen to have a child?

I'm not just being a bitch, I really am genuinely curious as to what people's reasons are and what makes them want children.

I read on another thread that a lady dreads the days she is not at work but at home with her child. Is it a case of not realising what it will really be like until you've done it?

OP posts:
FabIsGettingFit · 13/06/2010 19:23

I do think it is all relative. I don't want more money enough to work but I know someone who does. We go without because we can't afford extras and me being at home is more important than a flashy tv, foreign holidays, etc etc. A lot of people who say they can't afford for both not to work actually mean they want the extras. Nothing wrong with it, just don't dress it up that you would starve otherwise.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 19:27

if the "extras" are mortgage,holidays,solvency then hell i will have double helpings

no im not prepared to scrape by,exfoliating with a brillo pad,never going abroad,no fripperies or consumer durables.that is one of the reasons i work

major reason is self efficacy and i love working. prior to children we had mortgage,holidays etc. im not prepared to eke out an existence when i dont have to

violethill · 13/06/2010 19:33

I'm not interested in a flashy tv, sky packages, the latest phone or exotic holidays.

I am interested in having an interesting career! I think that goes for a lot of people.

NanKid · 13/06/2010 19:35

@ the OP. Ten smug points to you for being such a dedicated parent.

Some people like working. They have interesting, challenging careers that they have spent years training for and building up. Others have to work for financial reasons. Society also needs nurses, doctors, teachers, cleaners etc etc etc. Do you really need to be told this?

Who ever said that being a good parent meant dropping everything in your life and spending every waking hour gazing into their eyes, trying to meet their needs? And you remember that at the age of 5, they go to school all day, yes? Should we sit about all day waiting for them to get home?

hairytriangle · 13/06/2010 19:36

Oh my goodness, OP, you are being so incredibly unreasonable!!! You think it's an either or case? Surely it's fine to have children, and work (in fact I think it's good role modelling if both partners work and take part in childcare) - and have alternative arrangements for when you can't work out childcare between you!

I think it's incredible that you think the only way is to have a child and stay home the whole time!

EvilTwins · 13/06/2010 19:36

When I was a child, my parents both worked full time (as teachers) so I grew up with the view that Mummy's career was just as important as Daddy's career. My mother recently retired, but spent many happy years completely fulfilled in a great job, as well as being a wonderful mum to me and Dsis. DH's mother gave up work when she was pregnant with him, and never went back. She is a bitter old cow who feels that her life was taken away from her by her children, and now lives her life through them, which is a complete PITA. DH has said numerous times (to me) that he really wishes she'd gone back to her job when he was a child, because once he and his sister left home for university, she had literally nothing. That's why (IMO) she is now a bitter old cow who feels that she has a perfect right to comment (negatively) on every bloody thing that DH or SIL do with their lives.

When my DCs grow up, I'd rather thought of me as being like my mother, and not like their other granny. Both my DCs are girls, and I want them to take for granted that women can have fulfilling careers, just like men can.

That's why I work. Well, one of the reasons. I was a SAHM for three years, and I loved it, but I felt totally ready to go back to work. So far, my DCs have not turned into delinquents.

hairytriangle · 13/06/2010 19:38

Plus you can make the choice to work AND have children, not just financially but in terms of having both a family and a career (or does that make me sound like some crazed freak who 'wants it all')

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 19:39

motherhood isnt a giving things up competition,biggest martyr wins

i also hope i can support my children when young adults starting out.working means i out money aside for them

i dont have whizz bang gadgets, i do have ability to work and add to our joint income,and holidays etc.which i want to do

violethill · 13/06/2010 19:42

Round of applause for EvilTwins.

Chances are the OP will become your MIL - she'll realise, in years to come, that her children are no more, and no less, clever or beautiful or successful than they would be if she'd had a career. Then she'll be bitter and resentful that life has passed her by (and she'll be living on a crappy state pension too, if she hasn't paid into her own pension fund!)

jamaisjedors · 13/06/2010 19:45

YABU.

Read the whole of this thread and then come back with some valid arguments of your own that haven't been rehashed on here three times a week for the last x number of years. (and I've only been here for 2-3)!

AnnieLobeseder · 13/06/2010 19:48

How wonderful to be so smug. Do you feel the same way about men who don't much like spending 24/7 with their children?

So because I have a life and a personality outside my children I shouldn't have had them in the first place? How patronising and shallow-minded.

What would you say if I asked why not everyone goes to university, studies science and gets a job as a microbiologist like me. I find it wonderful and fulfilling, so surely everyone else should too?

And I don't get someone else to look after my children all the time, you daft bint. I spend more time with them than anyone else. So I get plenty out of it, thank you!

piscesmoon · 13/06/2010 19:48

I was able to look after mine-but I realise that I was incredibly lucky. I know lots of people who would love to, but have to get child care-they are not working for luxuries-they are working to live.

aniseed · 13/06/2010 19:54

Thank you 'EvilTwins'! That's a great long term perspective for working parents and it's nice to hear something positive.

I have two children and am just about to return to work for the second time. My daughter is 11 months old.

It makes me feel very sad to think that it has to be working mothers vs SAHM. Women have become so bittered and competitive that men are no longer the enemy - women are. (Does that make sense?) It's such a shame because we are fighting eachother instead of supporting eachother. This is an argument which I see daily in the newspapers or on Mumsnet.

At the bottom of all of this are CHILDREN which generally are very loved and happy and whom will all grow into normal adults.

When are we going to stop arguing amongst ourselves and giving women a bad name?

Let's support and look out for eachother instead of deciding who is the better mummy?

Surely we all love our children dearly whatever our working decisions?

ginhag · 13/06/2010 19:55

Are you allsweat op?

Saying 'I genuinely want to know' doesn't cover up an obviously judgemental op. I wish people would stop doing it.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 19:56

men were never the enemy aniseed,what a perplexing thing to say

LittleSilver · 13/06/2010 19:56

Some people have a professional registration which requires them to work to maintain it. Failure to do so means removal from the register and their career is gone.

Tootlesmummy · 13/06/2010 20:03

Most people do it because they have to because they have bills to pay and they won't get shit loads of benefits so they don't have to.

Your sanctimonious attitude pisses me off but never mind.

IsGraceAvailable · 13/06/2010 20:05

YABU because it's not reasonable to tell people how they "should" live their lives. Ever.

christina1971 · 13/06/2010 20:05

A troll?? A twerp?? Lazy research?? YAWN

Downdog · 13/06/2010 20:05

YABVU & a bit of a small minded bitch.

aniseed · 13/06/2010 20:06

I didn't mean 'enemy' as such. Don't think I explained it very well. I meant that years ago men and women had certain roles and it probably suited men to have women in these roles.

Now that is no longer the case, generally, so now it seems to be that women are fighting eachother.

ginhag · 13/06/2010 20:09

As mentioned earlier, this topic has been 'discussed' at length A LOT recently.

And strangely, every time the OP is a judgemental bitch woman with a big house, rich husband, and poor empathy skills.

It was annoying at the start. Now it is just fucking tedious.

scottishmummy · 13/06/2010 20:11

i love a good why have children if you let strangers watch them thread

deliciously compelling

nooka · 13/06/2010 20:12

I had children to provide for the many people who love looking after babies. I'm just not one of them.

Not really, but our nanny did love babies and was fantastic with them in a way that neither I nor dh have the patience or desire for. Keeping both our careers going when the children were tiny has allowed us to be much more flexible now they are older and really need a parent to help them with tricky homework, even trickier relationships and the whole bundle of issues that come with growing up.

Having children/a family is about so much more than hands on babycare. I certainly didn't think "what will I get out of this" when we decided to TTC. I don't think that is a very healthy approach to parenthood, as there is a great deal more giving than taking involved a lot of the time.

mumtolawyer · 13/06/2010 20:12

Right. I've seen this thread a few times. Let's really annoy the OP (and those with similar views). I love my DD. But I would have gone absolutely insane at home with her all day. She went to nursery full time at 3.5 months and I never had - and still don't - a single qualm. I am a far better mother to her with a full time transactional job than I would have been at home bored and cross all day. My job is almost as important to me as she is - I am extremely senior in a limited field and I love what I do.

How dare the OP judge my choices? I'm not her and she is not me, and what is right for me is my decision. My DD is bright, confident and happy and she sees me happy too. What the hell is wrong with that? Would the OP prefer a house that's miserable and resentful? How is that better for anyone?

I am thoroughly sick of this nonsensical SAHM v WOHM debate. I don't have a problem what any of you choose to do or have to do. What's right is what suits you and your circumstances. Anyone else judging any of each of our individual choices should just stop it and back off. Why can't we let people decide what's best for them?