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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
bigchris · 13/05/2009 18:22

could you do the school run all the time so that it's not difficult for him
I can definitely see his point of view

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:26

We have a joint residency agreement, so DD stays with him every other week for the whole week.

I hate that he has this much control over what I do.

OP posts:
potoftea · 13/05/2009 18:26

Yes YABU I think.

You only have to do the school run half the time, but want to make changes that suit only you?

If your dd wasn't happy in school it'd be different, but if it's only for your convienence then it's not fair to her dad.

Having to go to two different schools would obviously cause them problems.

LilianGish · 13/05/2009 18:27

Easier for you, harder for him. Is there any benefit to your daughter - perhaps that might swing it? Otherwise I would say you are being slightly unreasonable.

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:35

I just think that he is making too big a fuss about it. Although I would agree with him that she is settled at school, she has only been there since September, she would easily make new friends.

I am moving so that we have a nice house with a garden (we are in a small flat ATM) and are closer to mine and DPs workplaces so she would spend less time at before and after school clubs if we moved schools.

OP posts:
seeker · 13/05/2009 18:39

What's in it for anyone but you? His school runs will be harder, she won't be at school with her step sisters, she will have to settle in to a new school when she's only just settled into this one....

seeker · 13/05/2009 18:41

"she has only been there since September, she would easily make new friends"

MummyDragon · 13/05/2009 18:42

YANBU to want to make your life easier, as per your original post. But if DXP (or his DW) really would be unable to take your DD to school every other week, sorry but YABU in changing schools. I completely understand where you're coming from, but if your DD is happy at her current school and it is only 2 miles away from where you're planning to live (or have I misread that?) then I think you need to stay with the status quo. Moving house will probably be quite enough for your DD without having to move schools as well (I am inflicting a house move AND a change of schools on my DC next week and am feeling quite apprehensive about it!).

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 13/05/2009 18:59

I also think YABU and I have recently moved and changed dd's school for largely to do with my own reasons.
The difference being is that exdp works away anyway so as far as he was concerned it makes no odds to him where he travels back to, to enable him to see the children and he is moving his permenant base anyway shortly so will actually be closer to where we are now and further from where we were.

I think as you said yourself it is only 2 miles and it is not as if it is only every second weekend they have to pick your dd up so then only maybe one friday every fortnight this is a whole week at a time and the logisitcs of being at 2 different school gates 2 miles apart at the same time can be near on impossible when you factor in traffic etc. My Dss is at a school 2 miles from dd's and believe me I cannot be in 2 places at once.

Like Stewie said it is difficult when step-families can make things like this in your life feel out of control but I think in this instance you need to be the one to give.

nametaken · 13/05/2009 19:03

Another YABU, sorry, your dd has had enough change to cope with already in her short life without changing schools.

SparklyGothKat · 13/05/2009 19:06

my children are at a school 2.5 miles from my house, it takes me 10 mins to get there..

Nighbynight · 13/05/2009 19:09

Weigh it up:

She changes:easier journey for you

She doesnt change: easier journey for your ex + dd not having to change school + stays at school with her siblings.

she shouldnt change.

gagarin · 13/05/2009 19:11

"she would easily make new friends"

being new when everyone is new is one thing - but being the new girl coming into an established class is not fun.

Leave her where she is - not because that's what your ex-dp wants but because it's the best decision for your daughter.

I did read (there must be a teacher who can confirm this...) that there is educational research that shows that when a child changes school their academic progress comes to a halt for about 6 months - so an uneccesary change of schools should be avoided IMO.

bigchris · 13/05/2009 19:11

yes agree with the others yabu

she likes her ew school

she already has to contend with one week at yours and one week at her father's

some continuity surely would be good for her?

think of it as your ex wanting what's best for your dd not trying to get at you all the time

piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 19:15

YABU -it should be what is best for DD. It is inconvenient for you but can be managed.

SamJamsmum · 13/05/2009 19:18

YABU

Miyazaki · 13/05/2009 19:18

She's had a lot of change already: new house, change in families, plus a week in each home... I would try to keep something the same for her for a good long time.

YABU

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 20:42

But if I do change her school then maybe it would force my exH to give up the joint residency which I never wanted anyway.

I don't think it is best for DD to have 2 'homes' and I would much prefer her to be with me most of the time, and just go to her father and his 'family' every other weekend like it used to be. Is it so wrong for me to want DD with me most of the time? I can't bear the fact that his DW collects my DD from school and drops her off with her DDs. She gets treated like DDs mother at school which is just not on.

OP posts:
gagarin · 13/05/2009 20:51

Sadly what you want is neither here nor there.

What is best for your dd is what is important.

What you are suggesting as a reason for moving her school sounds a little like using her education as a weapon against her dad.

As hard as it is for you to have to deal with her dad and his new family it is generally (IMO) best that dcs have a relationship with both their parents.

Using moving schools to try to manipulate a way out of an agreement about how many nights a week she stays with ther dad may well backfire.

MummyDragon · 13/05/2009 20:52

You may never have wanted the joint residency, but your exH did ... again, it's all "me me me" with you, isn't it? I am sorry and I don't want to upset you, but that's what it sounds like.

Miyazaki · 13/05/2009 20:53

I doubt it very much.

I guess your daughter has two families now, which wasn't her choice. As her mum I would have thought it was your job to help her to see that as a positive rather than a negative. Her fathers home is her family just as much as yours with your dp's is.

I don't mean to be harsh, but in this instance, I do think you need to priority your daughters security and happiness above your own feelings about your ex-h and his dw, and the residency issue.

It must be hard to not have her with you all the time, I'm sure it's worth working at though, long term.

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 21:43

gagarin - what do you mean by backfire? I am her Mummy, she should me with me

OP posts:
gigglinggoblin · 13/05/2009 21:48

You are thinking about playing a very dangerous game. If you force his hand what is to say he wont get full residency?

YABVU re school. Your poor dd will not find it easy. Think about her before you or your xh.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 13/05/2009 21:57

One question. You are moving in with your DP so in effect your dd will have a "new" family with you and him so what gives your "new" family more rights over the one she also has with her father.
Yes you are her mummy but i'm a mummy too and as painful as some of the things have been during mine and ex's split I have always always put what was in the best interests of the children first.
Your ex is your dd's daddy and as such has as much right to be a parent as you do and if the currents arrangement is working and your dd is happy then i'm afraid you just have to swallow it and be the grown up here. Forcing his hand in this way is game playing and who is to say he can't play you right back?

You are saying that you cannot bear that his wife drops off and collects so I am sure we can assume that your dp when you are living together will never drop off or collect your dd from school either???
One thing I did learn and believe me it's bloody hard I know but you really have to look at yourself sometimes and if it's good enough for you then it's good enough for your ex.

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