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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 11:17

But Slattern, it appears to me that what lyneham is doing in her posts is examining and testing her views and feelings. And rightly, people have advised that she must put her DD first etc.

It's hardly constructive to call her a 'loon' and a 'nasty bitter lady', tell her that her very raw feelings are 'selfish' and to say her pinions 'stink'. And it's mean.

MillyR · 14/05/2009 11:20

I don't think all step parents are mum and dad; they have a different but still important relationship.

I also don't think that equally shared residency is always a good choice for children. I think the OP should have fought for primary residency right at the start, and the father could then have had weekends. I think it probably added to the child's distress that she was removed from her primary carer and sent to spend half the time with a father who had been uninvolved while living under the same roof (based on OP's account).

I can understand OP's distress.

But it is too late for all of that. It has happened. The daughter has now adjusted to joint residency and the OP cannot change that. I would be distraught in OP's position, but she has to try and do what is best for her DD within that situation.

Original poster
lyneham · 14/05/2009 11:20

I didn't think I was being a twat, I thought I was considering a course of action I felt was best for DD

I have no idea what 'phrases' I have used to make people think I am trolling, I can only assure you that I am a genuine poster who wanted advice. If you don't believe me then I guess that is your choice.

OP posts:
KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 11:22

But Huw, her very raw feelings are selfish!

It is not like she is posting saying "I feel like this, I know I shouldn't, how can I get past it for my daughter" she is posting "I feel like this, I am quite justified, how can I get daddy to ditch his daughter".

Comes across as nasty and bitter to me!

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 11:23

That is what I am saying lyneham I don't think you are being. If you were you wouldn't post in here I am sure.

Don't think you are a troll either.

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 11:24

But Canute, at least she's questioning those feelings and canvassing opinion. That to me is a rational approach in a situation she's obviously finding difficult to come to terms with.

Commendable imo.

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 11:26

Lyneham, pls note Posie's advice (copied below), makes perfect sense to me.

"Try mediation as I can see from your posts that the way you feel about exh is clouding what could be best for your dd.... you are human afterall. "

Sorrento · 14/05/2009 11:26

Most people are nasty and bitter when it comes to ex's and children, they just hide it in real life (hopefully).

Mumsnet it would seem is no longer a place where you can be honest and open and let it all out for fear of name calling, SS being called and generally people being made to feel like shit.
I actually think it's time HQ put a stop to it, the original ethos is slipping away.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 11:26

Lol Lyneham, I don't really care if you are trolling. I am responding to what is here and, if it is real, it makes me very sad and very angry on behalf of your daughter. If you feel the above is best for your dd then Wannabe is correct about the next generation of toxic parents remark.

Having said all of that, it is not too late, as it stands you have not actually done anything too bad (although you are on the brink of it). You still have the perfect opportunity to start behaving properly and in the best interests of your child. If you can drop the anger and selfish attitude then you could have a very happy and healthy child with a great life going on. The thing is, you have to love your child enough to do what is right no matter how hard that is for you.

Kimi · 14/05/2009 11:26

What would your DD like to do?
Would moving put you outside the catchment area of the new school? Could you use this as a means to transfer her to the new school?

I think you need to do what is best for your child, not you, your DP your EX or his wife.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 11:28

No Huw, this thread was questioning her exs right to stop her doing what she wanted to do, not asking for opinions on what she wanted to do. Re-read the op.

cory · 14/05/2009 11:28

I think if you do consider that this is the course of action that is best for your dd, then you need to explain to us why it is best for your dd.

So far you have mentioned that you never wanted shared custody, that it would be more convenient for you to change schools, that you have nothing in common with your ex's new family.

All we know about your dd is that she is quite happy, but finds it a little hard to share her dadddy. In other words, she wants more daddy, not less. It is not immediately clear how that would be improved from her point of view by cutting down drastically on the time she gets to spend with her daddy. Whatever you may think of him, she clearly appreciates him.

So please explain to us if there are any genuine reasons why your dd would be happier seeing less of her dad.

(and btw, "I am her mum" doesn't cut much ice with those of us who believe in equal parenting; you need to explain why "I am her dad" is not an equally valid argument)

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 11:29

Canute, I have read all the posters -comments not just the first.

Original poster
lyneham · 14/05/2009 11:30

We have been to mediation already, I cannot afford £260 a session any more than I can afford £10k for a court case. All that happened was that I put my points forward, so did exH and they sided with him.

exH has already told me that if I wont agree to joint residency on an ongoing basis he will take me to court to get it as he thinks it is best for DD

OP posts:
TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 11:31

Millyr while i don't agree with you on the role of a step -PARENT I am not going to argue lol.

I do feel that a step parent does take the role of the absent parent, while the child is in their care so therefore they are mum/dad.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/05/2009 11:32

But she doesn't appear to be canvassing for opinion her tone and posts feel as if she wanted us all to say yeah go girl move and try and stop your childs father having joint residency.

My ex was useless with a capital U when we lived under the same roof believe me. But since we seperated and he has relised how much he took his family for granted he is trying to turn that around. He still has a long way to go but is finally making the effort none the less and I am and will always encourage that and encourage a relationship between his dp and my children because a good relationship and my dc's loving this woman and being happy when they stay with their father is far better than the miserable alternative.

FWIW I don't think op is a troll either. I think her feelings are valid but badly expressed.
I remember only too well the feeling of losing control of certain things when my ex met new woman but I had to swallow it down and get on with it, after all i'm with a new partner and we are living together how is that different?

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 11:32

But do you agree with it being the best thing for your dd Lyneham? Do you have valid reasons for thinking this way? What are you concerns?

If I had genuine concerns about my childs physical or emotional well being then I would let him take me to court or take him myself.

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 11:32

Well lyneham, unfortunately I think that you should take heed of the mediation and accept that joint custody whilst a wrench for you, is ultimately (and more importantly) the right decision for your dd.

wannaBe · 14/05/2009 11:35

"I am moving so that we have a nice house with a garden (we are in a small flat ATM) and are closer to mine and DPs workplaces so she would spend less time
at before and after school clubs if we moved schools." The current school will be 2.5 miles away, so moving is not going to make a signifficant difference to time spent at before/after school clubs. A matter of minutes.

"But if I do change her school then maybe it would force my exH to give up the joint residency which I never wanted anyway." selfish selfish selfish.

"I don't think it is best for DD to have 2 'homes'" me me me me me.

"His DW has 2 DDs, so how can
they possibly offer my DD as much attention and individual care as I do?" You might want to think about that then if your dp wants you to have children together.

"DD DOES NOT have siblings, she shares a house every other week with 2 girls that are not any relation to her." That is the most bitter post I have ever read on mumsnet. Get used to it love, those two unrelated girls are your dd's siblings.

"Her DDs even try and chat to me as if I am some kind of aunty or something when I arrive which I
find very odd." Well at least they have some consideration for others which is more than can be said of you.

Sorry but the way this thread has been drip-fed it has to be a troll.

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 11:35

Slattern I think your last post was helpful and sensible advice for lyneham. I'm not defending her opinions, just her rights to be able to post them without receiving some of the vitriole she has had in response.

MillyR · 14/05/2009 11:37

Ladyevenstar

I don't feel that strongly about it. I actually have no experience of divorce anyway. It is just what I have heard step parents say - they try to have a different role from that of the natural parents. This may be because the ones I know are dealing with older children.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/05/2009 11:37

Thank you I appreciate that but I hope I have not been using language like that in my posts
I don't agree with the op but do agree that she has the right to her opinions.

Lizzylou · 14/05/2009 11:38

Hmmm, it is a tricky one Lyneham and I can see why you would want to move school. Less time in after school clubs would be a good thing, but I wouldn't want to move my DS1 (also in reception) out of his school unless there really was no other option. How much less time in after school clubs are we talking here? If it is 1 hour a day then I see your point, if it is only 15mins or so then I wouldn't think it was worth it.

I think that you are letting past grievances cloud your judgement and you do seem slightly jealous of your EX's new family set up.

Personally I would be really happy that your EX's new wife and daughters wanted to be friendly to you and your DD, and I can understand why your Ex would want to meet your DP.
So all round YABU, but not mean, selfish or malicious, just trying to find a good solution to a tricky problem.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 11:38

Exactly Slattern.

Mediation does not side they will support someone if the other person is being unreasonable though...

It sounds, to me like your daughter, her father, your mediators and your solicitor have all told you that joint/shared is best and that joint is likely what a court would feel best too, and you have yet to come up with anything better than "I'm her mummy" to put against that. I think you need to take the hint because a court/caffcass would stamp all over that argument in a nanosecond.

wannaBe · 14/05/2009 11:42

I think perhaps the op would prefere it if the new wife/children were rude because she would then be able to justify her bitterness towards them. (and let's not forget that some of this bitterness is being directed at two innocent children).