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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 21:58

did you agree to shared residence or did a court order impose it on you in contested proceedings?

either way it is the status quo and you would have an uphill struggle to change it because you have decided you don't like it.... test would be purely what is best for your dd.

you share parental responsibility with her father. you cant make unilateral decisions about significant issues, you need his agreement or else will have to apply to court for a specific issue order (to change schools) or to vary the shared residence if this is the subject of a court order.....

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 22:01

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Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 22:01

My belief is that what he has always wanted, over my dead body would I let that happen. He has talked about taking me to court before to protect his residency but always claims he would rather not, neither would I. But I am her Mum so surely I would always retain primary residency. His DW has 2 DDs, so how can they possibly offer my DD as much attention and individual care as I do?

OP posts:
Thunderduck · 13/05/2009 22:02

YABVU. It's just as important for her to be with her father as it is for her to be with you.

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 22:05

The shared residency is not binding AFAIK, it was only foisted on me in mediation, not through court orders. It has been in place for 5 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 22:05

The shared residency is not binding AFAIK, it was only foisted on me in mediation, not through court orders. It has been in place for 5 months.

OP posts:
gigglinggoblin · 13/05/2009 22:06

If he takes you to court its no longer up to you, deal body or otherwise. You dont get residency for being a woman, you get it for being the best option for the child. Being an only child may have advantages, but so do siblings. If you are willing to disrupt her whole world to make your own life easier you shouldnt count on winning. Sorry to be harsh but you are in for a nasty shock if you really believe that.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 22:06

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MillyR · 13/05/2009 22:07

I think if you are not happy with the residency arrangements then you should seek legal advice to get them changed.

But I think it would unreasonable for you to move your daughter to another school. It is beneficial for her to have continuity and the benefit of siblings in the same school.

I think you have to view residency and school as two separate issues.

gigglinggoblin · 13/05/2009 22:07

And he is right its best not to go to court. If he has parental responsibility and you have had shared residency for 5 months you will have trouble getting away from it, he has as much right to residency as you do.

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 22:08

DD DOES NOT have siblings, she shares a house every other week with 2 girls that are not any relation to her.

OP posts:
gigglinggoblin · 13/05/2009 22:09

they sound like siblings to me

MillyR · 13/05/2009 22:10

They are step siblings. If they grow up together for the next 15 years they would be as close as blood siblings.

piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 22:10

'But if I do change her school then maybe it would force my exH to give up the joint residency which I never wanted anyway.'

This is a very unfair attitude. YABVU. Your job is to put your DD first and do what is best for her, you have to leave your animosity out of it. It is very important for her to have an equal relationship with her father.
I agree with StewieGriffinsMom and counselling might help-your relationship with your ex and his new family is your problem-you are the adult so you deal with it. Your DD is the child and so you have to help her be happy with both homes.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 22:11

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Thunderduck · 13/05/2009 22:11

Well if you want to look at it that way then if she stays with you most of the time she'll soon be sharing a home with a man who is not in any way related to her.

piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 22:12

They have a relationship with her-they are step siblings and you should help her view them as sisters. Many people would say that having siblings is preferable to being an only.

Quattrocento · 13/05/2009 22:13

Why don't you move into a new house near the existing school?

piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 22:14

You are going to have problems with your DD in later life if you keep fighting with her other family and dividing her loyalties.

KingCanuteIAm · 13/05/2009 22:15

Op, if you agreed shared care in mediation you would have to have an unbelievably good reason for change if you wnated a court to agree. Courts look very badly on selfish parents, parents who want everything the way that works best for them and has little or no care given to waht would be best for the child.

A really hope this is a wind up, if not you are the most insensitive mother I have heard posting in a long time.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 22:17

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Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 22:20

I have a tiny flat in the area that we live in now. I have chosen a 3 bed house with a nice garden that DP and I love near both our workplaces and nearer a lot of our friends. I could never afford a similar house in the same area.

exH was never around for DD when she was younger and we were married, and didn't seem very interested after we split up. It was only after he met his DW and her DDs that he decided he would actually like to be a parent, and then tried to take over completely, shoving DD into this new situation and shoving the fact that he has a 'family environment' in my face.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 13/05/2009 22:23

You obviously went to mediation and a sensible solution was sorted out for your DD. You seem to still have a lot of anger towards your ex, since he is your DD's father you need to let it go and concentrate on letting your DD love you both, and her new sisters and step parents. You will have a much better relationship with her in the end.

tinierclanger · 13/05/2009 22:25

YABU. I understand you have issues with your ex, but you should not be attempting to damage your DDs potential for a good relationship with him. As per the other posts, there are more benefits to her in staying at her existing school.

Your ex may not have been a great parent in the past, but whatever his motivation now, if he is going to put more effort in, that is to be supported and encouraged. Even if you do move her school, she will still be in the same environment at her father's home, but by putting difficulties in the way and trying to isolate her from it, you will make her the loser in the situation.

Miyazaki · 13/05/2009 22:25

I'm sure you have your reasons for being fed up with him, but really, you can't punish him for growing up after your marriage had ended. Your daughter has an involved father now, it doesn't matter that he was a tosser when she was tiny - ultimately behaving like this will end up causing your daughter pain and unhappiness and no mum wants that.