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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
MillyR · 13/05/2009 23:32

Lyneham, I can completely see why you feel that it is best for your daughter; it makes a lot of sense that you should have remained the primary carer and many splitting couples both agree to the children living with the mother most of the time.

But that hasn't happened. You did agree to shared residency and I cannot see how you can get out of that agreement. You haven't been the primary carer for 5 months and that is a long time in the life of a child. So you just have to make the best of it, even though only being able to see your DD for half of the time must be very distressing at the moment.

TheLadyEvenstar · 13/05/2009 23:33

Lyneham bloody hell the shock of it!!!

DP, DS1, DSS2,ds2, dps ex, DP and I all went to a firework display the year i had ds2. Oh and often when i collected dss1 I would go in for a coffee.

Its called working together...you know the thing families do?

ChippingIn · 13/05/2009 23:37

exH did not leave you for her - well, tbh, you have even less 'reason' to be behaving the way you are. You chose this situation (being ex's) not your daughter - she is the one caught in the middle, the very least you owe her is the decency to do your very best to get on with her step mum and step sisters (& that is what they are whether you like it or not).

Lots of Dads are better when the children are a bit bigger, a lot of them struggle with babies/toddlers etc. It's not great, but it's not like she's 40 and he's decided he wants a relationship with her.

No-one is saying it will replicate the relationship you have with her, nor that it should, but the way you are going, you are going to completely screw that up yourself.

Concentrate on making your daughters life the best it can be - this includes dropping the animosity, being friendly with your Ex, his wife and the other little girls.... then make your own life the best it can be - use the time your daughter is at her Dads to focus on your relationship with your new DP and everyone will be better off.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2009 23:41

So reluctantly you admit DD is happy with the shared residency, but isn't happy to be sharing her Daddy. Do you suppose that her living with you and only seeing him every second weekend is going to make her any happier???

piscesmoon · 14/05/2009 07:03

'Of course I have met her, she has even invited me into their house for tea whilst DD gets ready to leave to return home with me. Her DDs even try and chat to me as if I am some kind of aunty or something when I arrive which I find very odd. She even tries to chat in the playground at school on the weeks that DD is with me. exH knows DPs name and that we have been in a relationship for 18 months, surely that is enough?'

There is nothing in the least odd about it! You are very lucky to have a woman who looks after your DD and wants to extend the hand of friendship. You posts are all about me,me,me. You have got a situation that you don't like but that is tough-if you can't deal with it get counselling. It should be about your DD she will find two homes very difficult if you divide her loyalties and want her to say she prefers your house-it is totally unfair. She now has 2 sisters. I would suggest that you go and have the offered cup of tea and that you get to know her sisters-perhaps take them all out sometimes.
I know a DS and DD in a similar situation. Both parents have remarried and it is lovely, as both lots go to school plays together. They go to the same parent's evening-with the steps aswell. It is so much better for the DCs because they put them first.
I would stop putting your feelings first and put your DD first-and the first step is to leave her at the same school as her sisters.
If you keep the animosity you will find that you are the one that has the poor relationship with her in the end.

piscesmoon · 14/05/2009 07:15

You posted on AIBU-usually these threads get huge arguments on both sides-the fact that everyone is saying YABU should tell you something. You also say that to try and change the residency would cost a lot and the outcome would probably be the same-so in the view of the mediators it is best for your DD to have two equal parents.
I would relax-put DD first and get to know her other family-it must be sad for her to have two siblings that you won't even chat to.

LilianGish · 14/05/2009 09:49

Having watched this thread unfold am revising earlier opinion - YABVVVU. (By the way, why did cod leave?)

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 10:08

My ds1 read this before he went to school only because I had left this page open and he was being nosey.

He said

"You know what Mummy, If i had had the chance to see my father every other week and stay with him I would have, But i never did. Why doesn't this lady realise that if she takes her little girl away from her school and her other family it will upset her, not the lady"

I couldn't answer him....but maybe you can.......

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 10:09

Am I the only one here who feels lyneham's pain here? She is clearly feeling very raw about the fairly recent joint arrangement with her ex.

Of course her ex should have equal access and I also agree that her DD should not change school - and as I'm completely uninvolved, that makes perfect sense.

But in your place lyneham, having to share my kids on a week about basis would kill me, and for that I sympathise.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 10:20

No it wouldn't kill you Huw, yes it would be hard, yes it is hard. The reason I don't "feel her pain" is because of her attitude, plain and simple.

THere have been load of threads on here from parents in similar positions, loads of parents who are suffering and how have been supported. The major difference though is that all of those have understood that they need to do what they have to to make things work for their child. This op seems to have no interest in making things work for her child, only for her. She has no interest in presenting a united front to make her daughter comfortable, no interest in helping her ex feel comfortable with new arrangements, no interest in keeping her child with her friends and family, no interest in encouraging a good relationship with her father.

In short, this op, seems to have no interest in her child in any way other than being her property, even down to wanting to use the childs happiness and wellbeing to get the father to drop contact - because that would be good for her daughter

StripeyOss · 14/05/2009 10:29

hmm.. wwcs (what would Cod say)

oh yes.

you're being a selfish, self centered, nasty bitter lady.

This isn't about YOU, its about your DD.

She has a right to see her daddy, she has a right to build a healthy happy relationship with her stepmom and step-sisters.

It is NOT in her best interest to be moved from her school into a new home and to lose the time she has with her daddy.

You need to stop being so selfish, make nice with her step-family and just get on with things as they are and stop acting so butt-hurt.

HuwEdwards · 14/05/2009 10:47

Christ some of you are so vicious in your attacks, it takes my breath away. I really expected more of a sympathetic response - especially from those of you who have been in her situation and are now a few years on!

Where's the support? Where are the comments along the lines of 'Fuck me yes, lyneham it's so hard to think of one's child with another family, but you will get used to it, it will get easier' etc. etc.

Giver her some time, cut her some slack ffs. She's still at the very early stages of this new arrangment.

And Canute of course I was 'speaking' metaphorically. But I tell you, it would break my heart - at least initially. And for that I sympathise with Lyneham.

posieparker · 14/05/2009 10:55

Your daughter's father has as many rights as you and certainly has the right to know who she may be living with.

Try mediation as I can see from your posts that the way you feel about exh is clouding what could be best for your dd.... you are human afterall.

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 10:56

Lyneham, I am going to go against the general consensus and tell you that I really do see where you are coming from.

Did you split up when your dd was fairly young? My ex showed no interest whatsoever in any of the practicalities of raising a child when ds was born, he was rarely there, he worked long hours and when he could be there tended to pursue his social life instead. Had we split at that time and he asked for joint residency I would have contested it to the core of my being.

I am afraid I, too would be absolutely fuming if he had only started showing interest in my child and playing happy families once he met someone else with children. I would also drive me nuts if HIS wife was being treated as "Mum" for my child.

I don't actually think you are nasty or self-centred. I think it must be very hard to watch your ex with his new family with two children already in it, why do they need your child too? I know I would think that way. I don't think you are using your child at all as another poster said. You just want to be with her as much as possible.

However for the sake of my children I would (and have) put ALL this aside and do what made them happiest and was best for them. If the joint residency and staying at her school is best for your dd (deep down you know the answer to that) then that is what you must do. I actually feel really sorry for you. You really have to put your own emotions aside though for the sake of you dd. It is the right thing to do.

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 10:57

Totally agree with HuwEdwards.

posieparker · 14/05/2009 11:05

I always think with threads like these, where OP is clearly hurt and being unreasonable (which deep down they know) that mners can be really cruel.
I like to think that I would respond (and don't usually) in the same manner I would if a friend had told me. With an understanding of underlying emotions.

wannaBe · 14/05/2009 11:06

Just because someone is a longstanding poster doesn't make them incapable of trolling.

But actually I don't think that there should be a joint residency arrangement in place here. I think the father should have full residency because clearly he is looking after his dd whereas the op is only looking after herself. the op is coming across as what the dd in 20 years time or so will be describing as a toxic parent.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 14/05/2009 11:07

I think a lot of posters did show sympathy early on I myself said I knew as well as anyone how it feels to see your dc's with a "new" family but when I was put in that situation (and it was far more recently than the 5 months the op and her ex have shared care less than 5 weeks in fact) I knew that as the grown up and as the childs mother I had to put on a brave face and do what was best for them.
And what was best for them was to come fac to face with ex's new DP say nice to meet you chat etc. It is my job as a parent to put what is best for my childen first and if their father is going to be with this woman and shortly living with her and her dd I have to do my best to be positive and encouraging to and for them regardless of how much it hurts me at times and that seems to be the huge point that the op is missing.

Yes it bloody well hurts at times but using the children in a pawn in break ups ir the absolute worst thing that can happen and the op saying that she wanted to force his hand to change an arrangement that seems to be working for everyone apart from the op was doing just that.

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 11:08

Toxic parents do not question themselves in my experience.

I think her emotions are valid but she has to be very careful to do the right thing here and not be ruled by them.

posieparker · 14/05/2009 11:11

she must know she's wrong otherwise she wouldn't look for validation on MN

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/05/2009 11:11

Aren't all step parents treated as "Mum" /"Dad" while the child is in their care?

Is the OP's new DP not going to be just that?? should her exH feel the same? or is he making the best of what could be a very difficult situation if they both behaved the same way?

DS1 has asked his father if his DAD (dp) can adopt him and I offered him the chance to get to know him first. Afterall at the end of the day he is his father. He did not want to but then on the other hand he has not been in ds1's life.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 11:12

Hear Hear Wannabe.

I will not appologise for my response to this op, assuming she is not trolling (and I have my suspicions based on the way the information came out over the course of the thread and certian phrases etc). You may think it is being a bit mean, ooh Mners are so harsh, blah blah, but really? If a friend of mine IRL was saying things like this to me I would quite happily say the same, ie you have got to be fing kidding me! This is an adult talking about manipulating, hurting and making a difficult life for a child ffs.

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 11:13

No PP she is wanting us to say she is right and the dad is wrong.

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 11:14

Personally if I knew deep down I was being a t*wat, the last place I would post is AIBU.

Springfleurs · 14/05/2009 11:15

not sure what happened with the * there.

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