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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to move DD to a new school?

392 replies

lyneham · 13/05/2009 18:21

I have started a new job and am moving into a new house closer to the new job, and also moving in with DP

I want to move DD school from September so that it will be easier to drop her off and collect her from before/after school clubs, she is in reception at the moment.

My problem is that DD goes to her Dads house every other week and he has said that he wont agree to a change of school, partly because his DWs DCs go there, and he says it would make it very difficult for school runs for them every other week.

We live in a city and it would be about 2 miles, AIBU to want to make my life easier?

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 23:04

well it is in dd's interests that the significant adults in her life are able to cooperate and communicate though isnt it??

independiente · 13/05/2009 23:05

Of course!

Lyneham, do you bring a knife to cut the atmosphere with?

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

independiente · 13/05/2009 23:05

that was in response to controlfreaky's first post...!

KingCanuteIAm · 13/05/2009 23:07

This is Ops first appearance under this name.

Quattrocento · 13/05/2009 23:08

I agree with the posters who have suggested that you need to put your anger away and try to be civilised and positive.

I don't know what mechanisms you have to deal with anger and hurt but maybe there really is some scope for counselling.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 23:08

hmm... and

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 23:08

I am really upset by some of the posts here.

I am only trying to do what I feel is best for my DD, my only child. I really believe that she would be better off spending more time with me and cannot see why this makes me a bad person or in need of counselling.

OP posts:
independiente · 13/05/2009 23:10

Right, sorry, just caught up with the flurry of posting...

Lyneham - apologies for my last post, it was meant to be tongue-in-cheek. Good that your DD can see you making efforts to be polite to her step-family. Still think you need to accept the situation, get some help with your own feelings, and let your DD enjoy both parts of her family.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 23:11

if you really be;lieve that the present arrangements should be changed oin her interests then you need to seek her father's agreements to proposed changes... if not forthcoming you need to go back to mediation or make an application to court. you can represent yourself if you wish.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2009 23:13

Lyneham - there is no 'of course' to the question of 'have you met her'. You don't want your DP to meet them, so why would we assume you have met her? Both of the other halves are having an imput in your DD's life, yet you don't want your ExH to meet your DP, you expect a name to be enough?? Frankly if I was your ExH I would not be happy with that.

Did he leave you for her? Yes? You hate her (or the idea of the her that stole him from you)... yes?

I would feel the same way in your situation.

However, I think you need to find a way past this. You are damaging your daughter, you are tying yourself up in knots and you are probably slowly killing the relationship you have with your new DP...

The other little girls presumably like your DD, they live with her Dad and probably can't see any reason why her Mum (you!!) wouldn't want to be part of their life, like their Mum is with your DD... thankfully, normal kids don't take on all the BS that adults do.

Your Ex's DW is being friendly (invites you in for tea (could leave you standing on the doorstep), wants to talk to you at school (could be talking about you instead) and generally seems to be making an effort.

It's bloody hard, I know it is. It hurts and it's shit - but really, you have to change your mindset on this before you really screw your daughters life up and your own.

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 23:14

Kingcanute, I have namechanged as for all I know exH DW comes on here. Saying that, if she is on here she will recognise the scenario I am sure. I just needed somewhere impartial to vent and garner opinion. I appear to have managed that

I can reel off stories of pirate sex, moldies, why cod left, SWMNBN, penguin freaky man, even that weird stuffed bat/deer head thing that people link to etc etc if it will convince you that I am not a troll.

OP posts:
MillyR · 13/05/2009 23:15

Lyneham, why do you feel your daughter would be better off with you?

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 23:17

you've posted in yabu. as a longstanding namechanging regular you know the deal here... YABU.

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

independiente · 13/05/2009 23:19

Agree with controlfreaky. If you want to change the agreement, attempt it openly and without subterfuge. If you really do have grounds for believing your DD would be better off, then you may have a chance to change arrangements. If it seems to be more about your own personal battle with exH's new family set-up, I think the courts will see through this. The worst thing you can do is try to move schools in an attempt to force your exH's hand. That is horrible for your daughter, and makes you look duplicitous.
Would you be having such feelings if your exH was single? Is it the thought of your DD being in a family environment that doesn't include you the real issue?

Quattrocento · 13/05/2009 23:19

Lyneham, I'm sorry you felt hurt by my (and others) suggestion that counselling would be helpful. There was no intention to offend. It's just that there seem to be a lot of hurt and anger still with respect to your EXH. I thought it might help you come to terms with things.

All best for you and your DD

ChippingIn · 13/05/2009 23:19

Lyneham - you still haven't said what your daughter thinks of the shared residency?!?

I am sorry if you are upset. However, you are coming across as very me me me me me me.

What do you mean exactly when you say they are very 'different' to you?

Even if you and they are very different, this is your daughters life... you have no say in who your ExDH marries etc and you have to do the best to make it work for your daughter... those other little girls are now a very big part of her life and it will be much better all around once you accept that.

Your daughter may be able to have a wardrobe of clothes at each house, toys at each house, a bed at each house, but the poor little love only has one set of emotions and you cannot expect her to 'check them at the door' of each house!

KingCanuteIAm · 13/05/2009 23:20

Lyneham, great, you are not a troll.

So you are a regular MNer and yet you are not aware that the stuff you have posted above is not appropriate, not in the best interest of your child and is pretty childish - to say the least.

As has been said before "mememememememe" does not look good on anyone but it is particularly unattractive on a mother.

Life with and ex around can be crap, life with an ex around who is happily married can be even more crap but it is life, we all have to suck it up and get on with it for our children.

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 23:25

exH did not leave me for her. We split up because our relationship ended, we pretty much went belly up financially, and it put a huge strain on us both.

In answer to MillyR, I am her Mummy, I have been her primary carer since the second she was born. exH always felt that being at work was more important than spending time with his DD, so naturally we grew incredibly close, I don't feel that he and his new family can replicate that, or even near to it, so DD would be better off with me.

OP posts:
mrsblanc · 13/05/2009 23:26

on the issue of your exh wanting to met your dp.
YES you should most definitely arrange for them to meet.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 23:27

THEN YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE AGREED TO SOMETHING YOU DIDNT THINK WAS IN HER BEST INTERESTS!

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/05/2009 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lyneham · 13/05/2009 23:31

DD does seem happy, but she does also complain sometimes that she has to share her Daddy now.

OP posts:
controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 13/05/2009 23:32

AAAAGH. i'm out of here.

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