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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking that my husband might be abusing my child?

333 replies

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:28

a very sensitive issue.
im shaking,crying and just want to know what happened yesterday when i went to the gp and left my kids with husband. in the evening dd1 started complaining about her genitals,i noticed redness and while applying some sudocrem i asked her "what caused it?"she said "daddy"i asked "how did he do that?"she put her hand over her genitals.i confronted him,he was furious and said im crazy and dd1 must have said this like she always does when i ask her about who did stuff she says mummy or daddy,even though i know it isn`t true.but why did she touch herself?was she just pointing at the pain?when she was 1 and 1/5 she sometimes would touch husband on genitals.we tried ignoring her and convert attention.it worked but afew days ago she did it again.
now should i believe a 3 year old.or is she lying.how can i know the truth before i do something stupid?

OP posts:
nickschick · 27/01/2009 08:32

I dont know what to say you know your dh you know your daughter.......we have sons but if I told my dh one of them had said something in a similar vein -i dont think is reaction would be to call me crazy.

nickschick · 27/01/2009 08:33

IS she toilet trained/night time nappies is there any reason that she could misconstrue daddy touching her there?

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 08:35

well, DD often looks a bit red around her genitals, mostly as she takes herself to the loo and is not that great at wiping thoroughly all the time.

it is entirely feasible that your DH perhaps wiped her a bit too thoroughly after a trip to the loo? or washed her too thoroughly in the bath,, the vulval area is v sensitive .

it says a lot that your DD has sore genitals and you are even thinking your DH was responsible for hurting her, rather than an innocent explanation.

is there history of possible abuse /strange behaviour from your DH?

toddlers are fascinated by genitals, especially male genitals, as you can see them.. the fact she looked at/tried to touch her father's does not necessarily mean anyhting sinisiter at all

unless there are other things that would make you think that her father is abusing her

ComeWhineWithMe · 27/01/2009 08:36

You know your own dd ,my dd did tell dp the other day that I had hurt her when I wiped her her bottom her exact words were "Mummy did it" She is 3.1.

You have to go with what you feel though I am sorry tis a very akward situation.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:36

shes clean. i dont know if he had taken her to the toilet?

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 27/01/2009 08:38

good point about the toilet training

my dd is toilet trained (age 3) but she still asks for help to wipe somtimes and complains if it hurts when we do it

i can imagine she would tell dh that i had hurt her whilst wiping so that might be one explaination.

also with the touching thing, my dd is very interested in the fact that dh is different, she showed a whole family gathering the other day how dad goes to wee like "this" ..... cue very believable mime. She is nosey, and interested, which i assumed was normal, we just ignore it too

have you got any other reason what so ever to think he may be doing anything untoward

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 08:38

is thre anything else that could possibly make you thikn that your H would have sexually abused your daughter?

my two have often said things like 'mummy hit me/ daddy pushed me \ DS pulled my hair ' - whch are not true !! and said to get attention and get the sibling in trouble

i am sorry you are so upset and sorry you are thinking that your H is repsonsible

i know child abuse does happen, but am thijnking there could be a totally different explanation for this

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:39

not at all.my dh absolutely loves her,he spoils her and doesn`t even shout at her.
maybe i was unreasonable suggesting him abusing her,i just freaked out.

OP posts:
TheThoughtPolice · 27/01/2009 08:39

Hmmm. Very tricky situation.

TBH, I wouldn't immediately have flown off the handle @ DH on a vague explanation from a 3yo and no previous suspicions (and I was abused as a child so please don't think me ignorant to the subject).

FWIW, all of my children have been fascinated by genitals as littlies and none of them have been abused.

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 08:40

it is a very strong and frightening accusation to make

if you have nothing else to make you think he is abusing her

your reaction seems v strong, is there something in your childhood or past that is making you v v sensitive to possible abuse?

pavlovthecat · 27/01/2009 08:41

DD is also sometimes red around her genitals, and sometimes she complains she has sore 'bits'. If she said anything about daddy doing it I was automatically presume that he had wiped her too hard, or caught it when putting her knickers on or something else.

Sometimes, when DD trips over the cat, she says 'ow sore foot, cat did it', but does not mean that the cat hurt her on purpose.

I think you need to be very very careful before you accuse your husband as once it is done, you will not be able to undo it. What other things are there to suggest that something might be wrong?

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 08:42

also, children to fiddle/masturbate from an early age, she may well have been having a play.. which is normal and usual.

i feel a bit sorry for your DH, if he has done nothing, that you have accused him of something so serious.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:43

i haven`t been abused as achild.but my brothers wewr physically abused (not sexually)

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 27/01/2009 08:45

if you are honestly worried, ask him. Just say "oh by the way dd was saying she hurts down there and saying you did it, can you remember wiping her, I know she's not always that thorough herself?"

My dh would not be at all worried about me asking him this, because there would only ever be one explanation.

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 08:45

i think that it is a v v strong and unusual reaction to have to your DD having sore genitals. if it was my DD my first thought would be she had over/ under wiped after going to the loo, not that my DH had hurt her.

i hope you resolve all this and your DH is ok with you, and of course that the explanations here are the true ones. and not that abuse has occurred.

difficult all round

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 08:48

My partner would be horrified if I confronted him about something like this because the idea would be so abhorrent to him and I know he would be shocked that I could even think such a thing of him -so I don't think your husband's reaction was suspicious or unreasonable at all. He certainly shouldn't be judged on that basis imo.

YeToxicHighRoad · 27/01/2009 08:49

What made you go straight to your DH and 'confront' him rather than saying DD's bottom is sore and she's just said you did it - more as an incredulous comment than a confrontation? Have you had suspicions before?

lottiejenkins · 27/01/2009 08:50

I would definetly checked things out a little more before accusing anyone!

gingernutlover · 27/01/2009 08:55

dont think OP has accused her husband

pavlovthecat · 27/01/2009 08:56

I recall a thread, or a post on a thread quite a while ago, where some-one DH had used flash wipes to wipe their LO's bottom....now that caused soreness (he did it in error thinking they were wetwipes).

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 08:56

The way you are reacting honestly makes me wonder if there's a little more to this -have you been worried about this before? Have you had experience of abuse (notnecessarily sexual) by someone you trusted as a child?
I have experience of abuse and can honestly understand how that intrinsic sense of self preservation and mistrust can manifest itself when you have your own child. If this is related to something like that it is really really important that you're able to identify that. Horrible situation, I really feel for you.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 27/01/2009 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:57

my dd dousent wipe herself,i always does.i know she didnt go to the toilet when i was out.in the last 6 months which she has been clean she never had sore bits.
i over reacted maybe because im over protective about her.shes my everything.i hope i haven`t lost my dh over the issue!

OP posts:
PottyCock · 27/01/2009 08:57

I remember that too Pavlov.
She said she 'confronted' him ginger - you can understand why he would have reacted the way he did? I would have been more worried by a brush off to a suggestion like that to be honest.

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 08:59

Have you discussed it at any length with DH morethanmum?