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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking that my husband might be abusing my child?

333 replies

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:28

a very sensitive issue.
im shaking,crying and just want to know what happened yesterday when i went to the gp and left my kids with husband. in the evening dd1 started complaining about her genitals,i noticed redness and while applying some sudocrem i asked her "what caused it?"she said "daddy"i asked "how did he do that?"she put her hand over her genitals.i confronted him,he was furious and said im crazy and dd1 must have said this like she always does when i ask her about who did stuff she says mummy or daddy,even though i know it isn`t true.but why did she touch herself?was she just pointing at the pain?when she was 1 and 1/5 she sometimes would touch husband on genitals.we tried ignoring her and convert attention.it worked but afew days ago she did it again.
now should i believe a 3 year old.or is she lying.how can i know the truth before i do something stupid?

OP posts:
pavlovthecat · 27/01/2009 09:01

Did you actually& accuse him? Or did you suggest to him that he might have abused her? Thing is, this is such a serious thing to be accused of, if you said it in a way that cannot be minimised or the tack changed, that it will be difficult for him to think you suspect him of abuse every^ time he touches your children now...

...if you are really are truly worried he has abused your child, you need to act on that. Now. And, if you really think it is an over-reaction and that he did not abuse your child, you need to do some very quick damage limitation. Now.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 09:02

i wish i posted here before confronting my dh.but now its done i cant change it.
but if youre in my place wouldnt be that little bit of you wondering.she said something to me which i`ll be responsible for believing or not believing it.

OP posts:
gingernutlover · 27/01/2009 09:04

d'oh missed that bit in OP

pavlovthecat · 27/01/2009 09:04

Morethanamum - have you spoken to him since this happened? Since you spoke to him? How has he been? Can you speak to him about it now?

cory · 27/01/2009 09:09

If this had happened at my house I would have assumed that dd had a bit of nappy rash/infection and that it had hurt when daddy changed her or put on Sudocrem, so she thought he hurt her. (And that it would be quite likely if I had been the first to change her, that she would have said 'Mummy').

But that is because I trust my dh implicitly, like myself.

If you have any doubts about your dh for other reasons, then that is a totally different matter and I understand why you reacted as you did.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 09:10

i told him that dd has a sore genital and she said he did it.i asked him did he touch her there?he said thats just crazy we went togather and asked her again,she repeated it.dh was furious at me just thinking i doubted him.i told him im not doubting him i just had to ask him.now or then,i had to make sure.

OP posts:
pavlovthecat · 27/01/2009 09:13

How is he about it now? can you explain to him that you were not accusing him, just did not understand what DD1 meant?

I really hope you get this sorted, one way or another. And I really hope your fears are unfounded. Go talk to him.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 09:14

he slept on the sofa,and went to work early morning.i cant even imagine how hard it is must be on him.i couldnt keep such information to my self.it`s too hard.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 27/01/2009 09:14

I am with cory.
the fact that you leapt to abuse makes me wonder if you have some other worries/issues/ reasons to doubt him.
I was abused my whole childhood and i am obviously cautious but I would not doubt my husband in the circumstances you describe.

Which makes me wonder if you have had some kind of suspicion/instinct about this before this incident.
Have you?

I have a relative who has always provoked my antenae because of the way he interacts with children. My concern about him would make me instantly doubt him. Is this what happened here.

mrsjammi · 27/01/2009 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piratecat · 27/01/2009 09:27

i'm with pagwitch

piratecat · 27/01/2009 09:27

pagwatch even

Divineintervention · 27/01/2009 09:31

I find all of your responses and you Dh's quite odd. I think I would have asked my Dh if he had noticed redness or if he'd wiped my dd before ever accusing him of abuse. All of my dcs are/have been obsessed by genitals btw. If I had accused my DH of this I'm not sure our marriage would survive, it would show that I would think this was feasible. I would call a children's charity and get advice.

ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 27/01/2009 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pingping · 27/01/2009 09:38

Agree with Divine I can't imagine anything worse for a man than to be accused of abusing a child let alone his own child.

I also think you should do what mrsjammi said if your that worried about the redness and talk to your DH about this for sure.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/01/2009 09:38

Have you ever had counselling Morethan? I am thinking you are not really over what has happened in the past and you need help dealing with this.

My dd1 has said something very similar to me once. She actually said "I don't like it when daddy baths me. He hurts my tuppance" Turns out he washes her with normal soap and it stings her. It didn't cross my mind for a second that it would be anything less innocent than that.

wannaBe · 27/01/2009 09:40

So how old is your dd exactly? because when i look at your other posts on mn her age seems to fluctuate considerably...

In nov 2007 she was twelve months old, then in Jan 08 when you posted about her touching your dh she was nearly two and now she's nearly three?

Doodle2U · 27/01/2009 09:41

I think you've been over exposed to all the stuff in the media about abuse and abusers being close family members and all that. I think your reaction is more a reflection on society's current paranoia to the issue, rather than some underlying issue of your own.

I think you well and truly jumped the gun and I feel for your DH but it's done now so you need to let it drop and wait for life to settle back down again.

Be alert by all means but THINK before you gob off again. If you can't think straight - come on to Mumsnet FIRST & talk it through before you tackle him or anyone else.

pavlovthecat · 27/01/2009 09:49

Doodle2u - a good post. I think I agree. Automatic suspicion orne from media and societal fear - the fear that stops some people from bathing with their children, or taking photos if they happen to be naked, kissing on the lips etc in case the 'abuse' word comes up.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 09:49

my dd was born in feb 2006
in nov 2007 she was 18 months.
in jan 2008 she was almost two.she`ll be 3 next month.does that make sense now?

OP posts:
LucyEllensmummy · 27/01/2009 09:51

Your poor DH, i bet he feels sick to his stomach I hope he can forgive you - i'm not sure i'd be able to.

My DD is three, we have never been big on privacy and she sees her daddy naked all the time and has touched him - of course we just distract and he is starting to cover up more, but never makes an issue of it. The other day she was dangling some beads between her legs saying "look at my willy!! - it was cute and funny and why would I think anything else.

Your DD might have a urine infection, she might just have had strong wee due to something she ate or not enough water - is she drinking plenty?

I'm not entirely convinced by this thread to be honest, but if it is true i think it is a sad representation of the suspicious society in which we live.

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 09:51

wannabe - there's nothing weird about op's dd's age as far as I can see? all her posts are consistent - I don't think she is trolling if that's what you are meaning.

kylesmybaby · 27/01/2009 09:51

when a was little (not sure what age but under 5) i woke up and had red sticky stuff between my legs. wasnt sure what it was so went straight to my mum. we had had a chinese the night before and they always ate spare ribs with red sticky sauce on it. i had slept in between my mum and dad.

my mum accused my dad and it kicked off big time.

i was then abused twice after this with 2 different family members - an uncle and a friends dad. i never told a soul.

not sure why im sharing this or even it the reason i didn't tell is the fuss it made the first time. but think it might has just connected in my head for me.

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 09:55

....and can I just add - before the troll brigade gather any momentum - I think this is an important issue and worthy of discussion and unbiased advice, even if the OP wasn't genuine.

Disenchanted3 · 27/01/2009 09:55

DS was at my parents the other day (hes 2.5)

He was sat next to my dad and my dad leaned over to pick him up,

DS burst into tears ran into the kitchen and told my mum that 'grandad trouched me' - sobbing his heart out.

I saw it all and was all completly innocent, and just down to an overtired child.

But how COULD it be interpreted by my mum??

My 3yr old is obsessed with willies and bottoms and DHs willy too, theres nothing sinister, just normal behaviour.

Think very carefully before you take any action, allegations like this stay with people forever, even when proven innocent.

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