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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking that my husband might be abusing my child?

333 replies

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:28

a very sensitive issue.
im shaking,crying and just want to know what happened yesterday when i went to the gp and left my kids with husband. in the evening dd1 started complaining about her genitals,i noticed redness and while applying some sudocrem i asked her "what caused it?"she said "daddy"i asked "how did he do that?"she put her hand over her genitals.i confronted him,he was furious and said im crazy and dd1 must have said this like she always does when i ask her about who did stuff she says mummy or daddy,even though i know it isn`t true.but why did she touch herself?was she just pointing at the pain?when she was 1 and 1/5 she sometimes would touch husband on genitals.we tried ignoring her and convert attention.it worked but afew days ago she did it again.
now should i believe a 3 year old.or is she lying.how can i know the truth before i do something stupid?

OP posts:
Disenchanted3 · 27/01/2009 09:55

sorry *touched

Disenchanted3 · 27/01/2009 09:56

but am wondering why you suspect your DH, must be something more for you to do so?

wannaBe · 27/01/2009 09:57

If I accused my dh of abusing my ds (and by asking did he touch her you are accusing) I think he would leave.

I do think the point about being sensitive to societal pressures is a very valid one if you've not had any personal experience of abuse.

But although we of course need to be open to the reality that children are abused by family members, and that in fact that kind of abuse is more common than to be abused by a stranger, you need to be absolutely sure of your facts before making accusations.

You need to think about why you don't trust your dh. Because it is clear that you don't trust him, after all it is not normal to automatically jump to the conclusion of abuse if a child complains of being sore down there.

I think you could both benefit from some relationship counselling tbh.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 09:58

lucyEllensmummy i dont have to convince you with my story. you all might be shocked with my reaction. i just dont know where that came from or why i didn`t think before i reacted.it just happened.
to be honest mumsnet made me realise how bad i reacted and until i posted i thought i did the right thing.

OP posts:
thegirlwiththecurl · 27/01/2009 10:00

I feel for you and, like others, wonder why you jumped to such a drastic conclusion. I don't think you can let this lie - you have to speak to your dh about it because he must be feeling very hurt at the mo. If someone accused me of something like that I really don't know whether I could forgive them unless they really showed me that they trusted me and realised that they had been unreasonable.

There is so much going on in the media about abuse, as there is about abduction, that it isn't so surprising that people jump to the wrong conclusion, but nevertheless, you have to talk to your dh about it as he must be devastated and the fact that you questioned him in front of your dd will mean that she will have picked up on this, so it needs to be sorted before she starts worrying that she has somehow done something wrong or worrying about her parents.

Squirdle · 27/01/2009 10:02

This is such a difficult subject.

Part of me wants to agree with others that as a 3 yr old she probably has been exploring herself and doesn't really understnad what she is saying.

BUT having suffered abuse myself as a child for a number of years, I would find it very hard to just think that.

You say your DH is always very lovely to her, never shouts etc...that doesn't mean he isn't abusing her...but it also doesn't mean he is!

You need to sit down with your DH and have a good long discussion about this. He should be able to understand why you were so worried...he is her father. Ask him how he would have reacted if it had been the other way around?

You need to take her to the doctor and get this checked out. It could be just an infection. You need to rule that out.

And if it turns out that nothing has happened, then you need to remember that she is only 3 and they don't really get lying.

But (and I hate to say this) you do need to get some answers for this.

I was abused by my grandfather. He was always very nice to me...spoilt me etc etc, btu he still abused me for many years.

I'm not saying your daughter has been abused, but please don't just leave this.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 10:04

i realy don`t know what to do or say now.
we just asked dd about it.but talked in private.i just have to find a way to convince my dh to give me a chance of explaining why i did this.i have the whole day to think of a way.

OP posts:
ThePgHedgeWitchIsCrankyBeware · 27/01/2009 10:07

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Squirdle · 27/01/2009 10:08

That is what you need to do...talk. Really, he should be able to understand your concerns.

I would try to get your daughter an appointment with the doctor today too. You don't have to tell them what your daughter told you, just get them to check out the soreness.

pagwatch · 27/01/2009 10:10

morethanamum

you haven't answered whether you had issues/concerns/worries about DH before this happened that caused you to suspect abuse

givethedogAhomebirth · 27/01/2009 10:14

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dashboardconfessionals · 27/01/2009 10:17

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cory · 27/01/2009 10:25

I think there are two possibilities why you reacted why you did to a situation where most people would have thought of an innocent explanation first:

a) either you instinctively distrust your husband, you can't put your finger on it but there is something there. If so, you need to be on your guard as there may be some genuine reason behind your instinct. And there is no doubt that abuse does occur.

or

b) there is something in your past that makes you insecure and vulnerable and prone to jump to this kind of conclusion. Your husband are just taking the flak for what someone else did. If this is the case, you need to get help for your own sake and before it starts affecting your dd.

I can't tell you which of these two is the solution. But I think you need to think carefully about it.

cory · 27/01/2009 10:26

Your husband are: meant to say 'your husband and your dd are...'

LucyEllensmummy · 27/01/2009 10:27

you are right, you don't have to persuade me - but you have to persuade your DH and i honestly hope you can. What was it that made you jump to this conclusion? Was it the same thing that made me think "feck, can you imagine if DD did that at school and her teacher asked her where she got the dangly willy image from!", its the way society is.

Just ask yourself how you would feel if your DH accused you of something similar - you would be angry and hurt, it might even make you question your relationship with your DD. Im sorry if this sounds blunt, but it hink if you put yourself in his shoes then it will help you put things right.

Is there the possibility of getting some time alone with him? This needs sorting out, who puts DD to bed? Maybe if you do, you should ask him to, to show you trust him - could you write him a letter explaining why you felt you over reacted and tell him you love him and trust him (assuming you do trust him - if there is something niggling, there could be good reason for it).
You could say that sometimes YOU feel uncomfortable about having to do the "down there" stuff because of the media and your brain went into overdrive (or your mouth did before your brain even got out of park!).

thesecretposter · 27/01/2009 10:27

My DPs was abused by his father from a very young age and it took him a long time to confide this to his now xwife. They went on to have a DD. Xwife had heard that abusers sometimes go on to abuse. DP was bathing his little girl when she was 3, as he went to pick her up out of the bath she shouted "No Daddy don't touch me!" Because her mother had told her to shout if Daddy touched her. My DP still gets very upset about this now. You relly need to sort this out with your DH as these things can be very damaging.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 10:28

thanx givethedog and dash.i rather be safe than sorry.when it comes to abuse its my dd who is important not me or dh.but i confess i should waited before i spoke. i did have an instinct before.but how do i ever know if im right?

OP posts:
Disenchanted3 · 27/01/2009 10:30

secret poster thats so sad your poor DP.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/01/2009 10:30

Well if you had an instinct before you need to tread carefully.

Where did this instinct come from? Be very aware also that children say things just for the hell of it too.

Maybe phone NSPCC for advise on how to deal with it/spot the signs?

devilisunaccomplishedinprada · 27/01/2009 10:34

Morethanamum I think it's possible I would have reacted the same way as you a few years back. I have nothing to suspect my DH off, but I'm very sensitive about these kind of issues as I was abused (sexually) as a child. I am very cautious when it comes to me dds. I have spoken with my DH in great length about abuse in the past few years and I KNOW he would never do that. But a few years ago I didn't know that because my sense of trust was warped by what I went through as a child.

There are some family members I have a distinct feeling about and I will never leave my dds alone with them.

If you have any doubt about your DH you need to address it.

Squirdle · 27/01/2009 10:35

What instinct did you have? This is important.

Pingping · 27/01/2009 10:35

morethanamum what has made you feel this way before?

Squirdle · 27/01/2009 10:35

My grandmother didn't believe her husband was capable of it...in fact she doesn't!

cory · 27/01/2009 10:36

morethanamum on Tue 27-Jan-09 10:28:02
"thanx givethedog and dash.i rather be safe than sorry.when it comes to abuse its my dd who is important not me or dh.but i confess i should waited before i spoke. i did have an instinct before.but how do i ever know if im right?"

The problem is that you cannot make accusations of abuse and expect your dd not to be damaged by those too, since it will damage the relationship with her dad which is one of the most important things in the world to her. Obviously, if she is being abused it's a case of rescuing her from a greater harm, so the smaller harm of dealing with it is negligible in comparison.

But if she is not being harmed, then the only harm that will come is from damaging her relationship with her dad, and that can be a very great harm.

We were falsely accused of sexually abusing our dd and there is no doubt that she has suffered emotionally from that. Now if the accusations had been true, then that would obviously have been worth it- saving her from a greater harm. As it is, she has been damaged for nothing and is still suffering 5 years later. And our relationship has been damaged for nothing.

morningpaper · 27/01/2009 10:37

I must warn you that the first thing a GP is likely to ask you is "Is there any chance your daughter is being abused?"

That does NOT mean the GP suspects anything, just that it is the first thing they are likely to ask.

My girls have sore bits all the time - they constantly fiddle and are rubbish at wiping themselves and also if any soap goes near their bath they are jumping around with their bits on fire.

Our media is saturated with peeedo-phobia and I think it's worth saying that most women are likely to think ot themselves at some point 'Is my husband capable of this?' (or even 'Am I capable of this?) I think that level of questioning is quite normal and does not mean that there is anything wrong. The idea of our children being sexually abused is possibly the most awful thing any parent could consider. So it's natural to find your mind wandering to that possibility at times.

Does your husband know about your past? Perhaps you need to discuss that with him.

Good luck xxx