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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking that my husband might be abusing my child?

333 replies

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:28

a very sensitive issue.
im shaking,crying and just want to know what happened yesterday when i went to the gp and left my kids with husband. in the evening dd1 started complaining about her genitals,i noticed redness and while applying some sudocrem i asked her "what caused it?"she said "daddy"i asked "how did he do that?"she put her hand over her genitals.i confronted him,he was furious and said im crazy and dd1 must have said this like she always does when i ask her about who did stuff she says mummy or daddy,even though i know it isn`t true.but why did she touch herself?was she just pointing at the pain?when she was 1 and 1/5 she sometimes would touch husband on genitals.we tried ignoring her and convert attention.it worked but afew days ago she did it again.
now should i believe a 3 year old.or is she lying.how can i know the truth before i do something stupid?

OP posts:
Lulumama · 27/01/2009 12:43

jesus wept !

i am struggling to comprehend that a rational woman would consider installing hidden cameras to check her husband is not sexually abusing their children

if you feel that strongly your H can not be trusted, then you should be packed up and leaving, or asking him to leave instatnly

if you cannot trust your H with your children, then how can you evne have a marriage if you think he is capable of sexually abusing your children?

i know there are abusers out there and that parents can and do abuse. but to be at the point of considering covert surveillance !

what is that saying, if you hear hoof beats, don;t look for zebras? or something.. basically, the first and most obvious reason is usually teh right one

so in this instance , a 3 year old complains of a sore vulva...... not wiping properly, or wiping too thoroughly would spring to mind immediately

UNLESS there were other instances wher you could say there had been potential for harm

am staggered anyone could distrust their husband so much, yet stay married to them

dashboardconfessionals · 27/01/2009 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

poshwellies · 27/01/2009 12:51

It happens lulu-my mother being one,very emotionally weak and most probably abused previously or by the husband themselves,sadly it happens though.

Take your child the gp for a checkup OP and then call a suitable helpline for advice.

The camera suggestion is totally crazy

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 13:01

i know it happens ,as i have said in several of my posts. i just don;t think personally if ym children had sore genitals, that my first thought would be my husband had abused them and to confront him

i hope the OP sorts this out if possible

PlumBumMum · 27/01/2009 13:10

The op has dissappeared
But if you come back morethan could you let us know why you had previously had this instinct and this might explain your reaction

francagoestohollywood · 27/01/2009 13:18

Of course it happens.

I would first make sure that the sore vulva hasn't been caused by UTI or any other infection, which are really common among little girls.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 13:20

ofcourse plum.
when she first touched him on his genitals when she was 18 months(or so).he was just so passive about it.i mean he didnt react at all.untill i pointed that its not acceptable and we should try to solve it.
when she was really young(few months)he would kiss her really passionatly.i mean a full french kiss.i always told him to be more jentle and he would say he loves her so much.he`s her dad BTW.

OP posts:
Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 13:21

now tell me am i just paranoid?

OP posts:
kidcreoleandthecoconuts · 27/01/2009 13:23

You are with a man who thinks it's ok to french kiss a baby!?

pagwatch · 27/01/2009 13:24

That sounds as if you have felt uncomfortable about him for a while?

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 13:24

just now before she went to the nursery she said she feels better down there and dad had made her sore.!!!

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 27/01/2009 13:25

The kissing thing sounds a bit odd, but I was a bit blase when dd1 first touched DH's genitals. DH otoh lept half way across the room He is not her bio dad and was v concerned that she was doing this.

Being curious about genitalia is v v normal.

By french kiss you mean tongues and all or just a big sloppy kiss?

If it was tongues whose was it? DD1 used to tongue kiss every one and hold their face very tightly.

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 13:25

so perhaps he did not make a big deal out of her touching his genitals, so as to not make her feel weird or frightened. just like if she touched his arm or leg. an 18 monht old does not touch their father's genitals for any sexual reason.

re the kissing, well, if you are saying he was kissing her on the mouth and using his tongue, then yes, that is a step too far and would be soemthing i would definitely have an issue with.

MmeLindt · 27/01/2009 13:25

What do you mean that he french kisses her?

Lulumama · 27/01/2009 13:26

nothing like AIBU by stealth is there.

we asked you earlier if there was anyhting else that might have made you have concerns

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 13:26

i tried to say no way.i know him hes not that kind of man. but yesterday i think i exploded. im so confused now i even stopped thinking

OP posts:
theresonlyme · 27/01/2009 13:27

morethanamum

You have said that you had an instinct before? An instinct about what?

Do you trust your husband completely?
Has your child ever lied about anything before?
Have they ever said anything like this before?

We can not fully get how your husband reacted to your questions, he could have been hurt, shocked, angry or guilty. You know him better than us.

If you at the point where you don't trust him then I think you need to have a serious talk.

A few months ago I watched my DH putting a nappy on my 4-5 year old. I then realised what I was doing and knew he didn't need checking up on. I trust him, it was just me feeling unsettled as I have been abused and it had been on my mind, and I will do anything to stop that happening to my child.

You have to talk to him.

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 13:31

lulu ive been trying to dig deep in my memory for things that i had issue with over the years.its not easy.
because i resolved these issues i don`t think about them anymore.

OP posts:
PlumBumMum · 27/01/2009 13:32

theresonlyme go back afew posts

morethan Iwas going to say I wouldn't worry about 18mth old and geitals as kid are fascinated and in our house we try to answer ques but without making a big deal

BUT french kissing your baby

dashboardconfessionals · 27/01/2009 13:32

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poshwellies · 27/01/2009 13:34

at the kissing-do you mean hard closed mouthed mwah's or actual adult open mouth kisses?

givethedogAhomebirth · 27/01/2009 13:34

This reply has been deleted

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PlumBumMum · 27/01/2009 13:34

I'm afraid to be cynical after the other thread so I'm leaving with you dashboard

Original poster
morethanamum · 27/01/2009 13:35

i dont realy know what to say to him. if hes abusing her he wont confess to me,and by talking to him i would sound apologatic. if hes innocent it`s not fair not to talk to him about it.i should apologise to him.

OP posts:
mousemole · 27/01/2009 13:35

i think this has gone a bit weird,I am with dashboard

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