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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my friends 2y 10mth old dd not to scream every time she doesn't get what she wants?

178 replies

mytetherisending · 14/10/2008 14:41

Have just had my friend with 2 dcs over this am for lunch and have had to put up with her dd who is the same age as mine screaming blue murder when she had to share/take turns/eat lunch/ been told no toys on the table Am I expecting too much in that I at least expect her to apply consequences when her dd does this i.e. time out etc. She just kept repeating 'no darling, don't do that' 'no darling, you have to share don't you' in a baby voice. This approach certainly isn't working for her.

I am because toward the end of the morning my dd who doesn't scream was trying to copy her, for which she got sent to time out.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 14:43

Yes you are expecting too much. 2.10 is a classic time for wearing behaviour.

Maybe you should try supporting your friend, rather than getting annoyed with her and her little girl? in the blink of an eye it could be your DD who turns into the whingeing brat. Seen it happen a hundred times.

Original poster
mytetherisending · 14/10/2008 14:43

Sorry pressed before I'd finished

Would you expect her dd to follow your rules in your house i.e. no toys on the table while eating?

I don't want her not to come round, just to take some control of her dcs.

OP posts:
SmugColditz · 14/10/2008 14:45

YABU

This is what they do.

Yours doesn't? You got lucky. Trust me,.

I was a smug mother of a two year old, now it's my two year old making people's ears bleed. Funnily, the angelic 2 year old turned into a NIGHTMARE 3 year old (to whom 'consequences' had always been applied!) so don't get too complacent.

SmugColditz · 14/10/2008 14:46

Maybe she hates the way you punish your toddler over minor issues just as much as you hate the way she doesn't feel the need to control every squeak out of her child's mouth?

WigWamBam · 14/10/2008 14:47

She sounds very normal to me.

My daughter wasn't a screamer when she was this age ... she made up for it later on. They all do it.

Got to say that time out for screaming sounds a bit harsh ...

MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 14:47

You are entitled to have rules in your house, but you can't enforce them on a 2.10 yr old. 'Expecting' good behaviour from children this young is setting yourself up for disappointment.

PuppyMonkey · 14/10/2008 14:47

If she was 16 you might have a point, but small kids have a habit of having tantrums I'm afraid. Your friend probably felt awkward sending her child off to the naughty step or whatever in another house (I would). Cut her some slack...

thesockmonsterofdoom · 14/10/2008 14:48

YABVU 2.10 is very young, my dd is 2.7 and only gets consequences for actions that are completly unacceptable (like biting her sister).

jujumaman · 14/10/2008 14:49

YABVU

I am sure your friend is trying to take control of her dcs as best she knows how. It is very difficult when they go through this phase. Time out is not an infallible solution to bad behaviour or the world would be a better place, most dcs ime don't respond to it at all well and many child experts don't recommend it.

If you are lucky enough to have a better behaved dc then bully for you. You should be more sympathetic to your friend, I imagine she is mortified. If the child was eight it would be a different matter.

nappyaddict · 14/10/2008 14:50

YABU. She's 2 - that's what they do

hazeyjane · 14/10/2008 14:52

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, all children are different, just because my 2.6 year old doesn't run off, and my friend's ds does, doesn't mean that I am doing a better job, it means that they are different. My dd1 is going through a very whingy, whiny phase at the moment, and if I had to send her to time out every time, I would never see her!.

sparklesandnowinefor11days · 14/10/2008 14:53

LOL i take it you only have one pfb then....

nothing wrong with having 1 child btw, but just realise that everyone parents their children differently and you have respect their approach too - yes fine to have your rules in your house but to expect your friend to adhere to that when it comes to her parenting choices is a bit much

her child might have just been having an off day, or it might be the way she is

i have 4 dc and none of mine are the same i have treated them in the same way and they all have the same 'rules' but it still doesn't stop DS3 being a nightmare when he wants to be - and FWIW i use the 'soft' approach when we are out too as it's really not worth getting worked up about and shouting at your child infront of your judging friend just because they make you feel you should!

snooks · 14/10/2008 14:54

Agree with other posters I'm afraid. Your poor friend - we've all had those days when we've taken our dc to a friend's house and they've behaved like little demons (normal, toddler demons, but still demons) and come home mortified, vowing never again. The last thing I would want is my friend judging me for my dc's behaviour.

Anyway, maybe 'ignoring' the tantrums, staying calm and nor rising to it is a better way of dealing with the screaming than time out? Who knows. Each to their own.

TuttiFrutti · 14/10/2008 14:54

Agree with other posters,YABU. I have been in your friend's position, and it is never a nice place to be, but especially not when other parents are giving you smug or disapproving looks and obviously comparing your child silently to their own perfectly behaved offspring.

Show some sympathy. Offer some help. That's what friends are for.

Original poster
mytetherisending · 14/10/2008 14:58

Just want to say that yes tantrums are normal and I accept that all children have them including my dd1. However, ear piercing screaming imo should be dealt with i.e. consequences for actions at nearly 3yo. At 18mths I agree it would be unreasonable because they don't have such understanding.

Its not the behaviour per se, just the lack of dealing with it effectively.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 14/10/2008 14:59

Sometimes there is no effective way of dealing with a tantrum. Mostly, what is 'effective' is subjective. Still think you should be more supportive and understanding of your friend.

sparklesandnowinefor11days · 14/10/2008 15:02

yes but your way of dealing with it for your child might be effective for you - but your way of dealing with it with her child might not work, her approach may work for her and her child just as your does for you

if you think your friend is having trouble 'controlling/disaplinning' her child then talk to her and try to help her - but if she's not having trouble and is happy with her way then just accept you have a different approach

how old is her other child?

PuppyMonkey · 14/10/2008 15:03

What "effective" dealing would you have done then, OP..?

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 14/10/2008 15:05

Different things work with different children. I'd never seen a proper toddler tantrum until I had ds3. Had to throw out the rule book and start again (and wait for him to grow up a bit).

PinkTulips · 14/10/2008 15:06

i felt so sorry for your friend reading that because i AM her when at people's houses.

my kids do have consequesnces but for things i consider to be quite serious like hitting or breaking things as if i enforced them for every misdemeanour i'd spend my days physically pinning dd to the naughty step (she DOES NOT stay on it) and i simply can't do that in some elses home.

both mine are screamers and if you think for one second it doesn't bother the parent more than anyone else to hear their child causing a scene you're very naive!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 14/10/2008 15:07

Anyway ime kids with siblings often fight their corner harder.

nooOOOoonki · 14/10/2008 15:09

YABVVVVU just you wait!

the best way of dealing with a tantrum is to distract and then ignore,

Lizzzombie · 14/10/2008 15:16

My 1.9 yo DS screams constantly. If I applied time out each time I'd never get anything done. I have just grown to ignore it and the disapproving looks which go with it.

Lizzzombie · 14/10/2008 15:18

...actually this isn't strictly true, I haven't grown to ignore it at all. It tears me apart everytime he starts and I get "looks" from people. I constantly want the ground to swallow me up, and wish he would shut up before I burst into tears in the middle of the supermarket.

There, thats more like it.

Original poster
mytetherisending · 14/10/2008 15:21

Look I know all children are different but I have found that my method has worked on 4 toddlers. I have tried being supportive/gently suggesting trying x or y or z, but she doesn't try things and then complains about their behaviour.
IME children don't just miraculously start to be well behaved without guidance in the right direction.
She just doesn't seem to be consistent. I looked after 3 children all 2 and 2.5yrs and 2.5yrs and never had that behaviour from any of them because they knew they would have consequences. In my case time out.

BTW No consequence is effective unless you use it consistently. I will time out in someone elses house, at soft play, toddler group and she will stay there, even if it means she gets strapped in her buggy, but because I have done this from very early on, I have not oftewn needed to do it while out.

OP posts: