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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

someone's husband picking up my son

248 replies

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:18

was at a friends and her husband's for dinner with their dd and my ds aged 5. At dinner time my ds was watching tv (his own dvd player that he had brought).

I was not worried about making him come and sit at the table to be honest as he eats not very much and wasn't hungry and prob wouldn't have eaten the food (it was a takeaway - they hadn't cooked it). So that was why I had brought his DVD player as I expected him to not want the dinner. At mealtimes when he doesn't want the food I don't force it, or make him sit at the table as in the past mealtimes have been a real issue and he has often been sick. So if he isn't hungry I just eat and he eats if he wants to. I know it sounds a bit pandering but it was the advice of my HV and it does seem to work with him.

Anyway, the meal time came and friend's husband (who I find overbearing and intolerant anyway!)said 'right, turn this off', turned off his dvd player, picked him up and plonked him at the table. He did sit there for a few minutes (can't remember if he ate or not).

But AIBU or over protective in thinking that he shouldn't have done that and if so, should have said anything?

OP posts:

moondog · 14/09/2008 22:20

I think you were bloody rude to bring a dvd player along actually. It would have pissed me off no end had i invited yuo as a guest and yes, I would have expected your child to sit at the table while we ate.

Original poster

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:20

btw they knew about his food issues - the previous evening we had all gone out for dinner and my ds had vomited at the table!

OP posts:

SmugColditz · 14/09/2008 22:21

difficult.

I'd have found it UNBEARABLY rude for a visiting 5 year old to be sat in front of his own dvd player while everyone else ate. I would not tolerate this from an adult visitor.

On the other hand, he should not have picked your son up.

Perhaps you should have prewarned them that your son wouldn't be coming to the table?

beanieb · 14/09/2008 22:21

maybe they were trying to include him?

SmugColditz · 14/09/2008 22:22

Knowing his eating issues, why are you taking him out to eat? Surely this just puts more stress onto an already loaded situation for your son?

moondog · 14/09/2008 22:22

i would never force a kid to eat (my own ds is a pita in this respect) but I do expect a token presence at the table.

ethanchristopher · 14/09/2008 22:22

i think it was unreasonable for her to take control over him

good on your ds for not kicking up a fuss

but maybe unreasonable to have brought a dvd player with you

Original poster

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:22

really? I am interested by that genuinely, it was an impromtu thing btw not a planned dinner. We had both picked up takeaways and it was 'whose flat should we eat at' rather than 'come round to ours for dinner'

the reason I'm interested though is all my friend's kids of similar ages arrive at dinner/lunch etc with their gameboys etc.

OP posts:

pointydog · 14/09/2008 22:23

You didn't mention 'food issues' in op. SOunds like they are relevant?

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2008 22:23

you can't remember if he ate or not?????

SlartyBartFast · 14/09/2008 22:23

do they have children?
the dvd would have annoyed me as well

TrinityRhino · 14/09/2008 22:23

what is making your ds vomit

are you getting more help than the hv?

SlartyBartFast · 14/09/2008 22:24

gameboys would annoy me too!

SmugColditz · 14/09/2008 22:24

But do they continue to play with them while everyone else is eating?

God, I thought I was lax at mealtimes, but I'm beginning to see I'm not, I'm appalled by this!

TrinityRhino · 14/09/2008 22:26

hmm can't remember if he ate or not sounds ridiculous
I know from the experience of two very fussy children
You wouold know if he had eaten

especially if he had been made to come to the table and you would be thinking, oh dear is he going to cope with ths?

he is 5??
what do the school do

seriously you cant just leave this problem

MinkyBorage · 14/09/2008 22:26

I think it's very rude for him to be watching a dvd, and I can understand why someone might feel tempted to turn it off and make him join the table, but it's not remotely acceptable to actually do it. YANBU to be cross that this pompous man actually did it

Original poster

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:27

no can't remember if he ate or not as it was a few weeks ago just remember thinking he shouldn't have picked him up. I would have and was going to say to him to come over but not forced it.

TrinityRhino - its a kind of gagging thing, yes had quite a bit of help. Main thing helping though is to not make a big deal of mealtimes. Used to insist on sitting at table etc. Now he comes if he wants to eat and his fears are beginning to receed.

OP posts:

bloomingfedup · 14/09/2008 22:28

YABU - how rude. Your child needs to learn to at least sit at the table.

SlartyBartFast · 14/09/2008 22:28

but does the man have children?
he was just trying to help i think regardless.

Original poster

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:31

I understand what you are saying about DVD etc but this was a holiday and we had different flats (should have mentioned this) and an impromtu takeaway so brought his dvd player over as thought he might not eat and forcing him to sit at the table might have had bad reaction.

BTW it's the picking him up bit only that I objected to (but didn't say anything) as I wouldn't do this to someone else's child. Their own daughter is 3 and very overweight (4 stone at least) and they kind of force feed her, I know thats not really relevant though.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 14/09/2008 22:31

You are being over-protective and ridiculous tbh.

It's his house, so his rules. If he wanted the dvd off and your DS at the table then he's well within his rights to do this.

I don't see how it has anything to do with your ds's food issues, they didn't force him to eat, just sat him at the table.

If I had guests over and their child produced a portable dvd player to watch, I wouldn't let them, at all, not just at supper time.

And if I knew a child and his parents well, I might pick the child up and plonk them at the table too.

SmugColditz · 14/09/2008 22:31

If he is gagging with fear you need to stop putting him in situations where he is being made to either eat in front of others or not eat at all.

Low key means no meals out, no takeaways with friends, certainly not 2 nights running.

If you find the man overbearing the chances are your son does too, and yet isn't in the position that you are, of having the option to get up and leave.

I think that while your friend's husband should not have touched your son, you are putting him in an awkward situation re his own child, who presumably is expected to put the games down, come to the table and behave like a civilised human being. If it is too much for your son to do this, you shouldn't take him out to eat with other people.

Original poster

alice123 · 14/09/2008 22:32

yes he has a 3 year old daughter

OP posts:

morocco · 14/09/2008 22:32

dvd player thing is pretty rude. did you explain situation to your friends? if you didn't, I can kind of understand how your friend's dh reacted. if you did, yan exactly being u, as he was deliberately ignoring your explanation. still think there is a better way than the whole playing dvd thing though

notsoteenagemum · 14/09/2008 22:33

If there were other children who had to sit at the table I would expect your DS to sit too so YABU
If it was all adults then I'd be ok with him watching the DVD and would say the friend was wrong and YANBU

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