someone's husband picking up my son

[alice123]

was at a friends and her husband's for dinner with their dd and my ds aged 5. At dinner time my ds was watching tv (his own dvd player that he had brought).

I was not worried about making him come and sit at the table to be honest as he eats not very much and wasn't hungry and prob wouldn't have eaten the food (it was a takeaway - they hadn't cooked it). So that was why I had brought his DVD player as I expected him to not want the dinner. At mealtimes when he doesn't want the food I don't force it, or make him sit at the table as in the past mealtimes have been a real issue and he has often been sick. So if he isn't hungry I just eat and he eats if he wants to. I know it sounds a bit pandering but it was the advice of my HV and it does seem to work with him.

Anyway, the meal time came and friend's husband (who I find overbearing and intolerant anyway!)said 'right, turn this off', turned off his dvd player, picked him up and plonked him at the table. He did sit there for a few minutes (can't remember if he ate or not).

But AIBU or over protective in thinking that he shouldn't have done that and if so, should have said anything?

I think we'll just have to disagree on that then.

Here I am at 35, having been through a very similar situation as a child, I was not forced to sit at tables, and nobody has called me a social outcast. That is why I think you are not making a lot of sense with that statement.

I have dipped in and out of this and thought I'd add my two'penarth. My 8 year old has food issues and I have considered taking him to a specialist. He just isn't interested in food and would much rather be doing something else. He gets very panicky if he forced to eat something he doesn't like/recognize. Consequently I don't make a big issue about him eating at meal times. Food is placed in front of him and if he eats great but if doesn't that's fine but he knows he's not getting anything else (ie biscuits and hour later). However he is always expected to come and sit at the table as that is just good manners. He would never be allowed to sit and play his Gameboy or DVD whilst others ate. I think most children would choose to play and watch tv rather than eat if given the choice. He has a 4 year old brother who certainly wouldn't come and eat if the alternative was to play.

I can't help but wonder if the male in this scenario had possibly got a bit fed up with the OP and her PFB. It is v difficult when you have a child and someone else with whom you're spening a lot of time with allows their child to behave in a manner in which your own child (and I think most other people's children according to the posts)would not be allowed to behave. How does he explin to his child that she must come to the table whilst op's child is allowed to sit and play. I am v surprised that a health care professional would suggest not sitting at the table to be appropriate. Everything I have read or seen suggests that children sit at the table, food is presented but that no issue is made if they choose not to eat it.
We had very recent success with DS whilst on holiday when after eating a couple of pieces of bread he actually asked to try and piece of salami which was on a plate on the table. That is probably the first new thing he's tried in about 6 months but it was a small victory and would certainly never have happened if he'd been sat watching DVDs.

Have only read first page.
Maybe he thought he was helping by picking him up and plonking him down at the table, you know without meaning it in a bad way.
Sounds like the kind of thing I would do with my neice (although she is 3), just plonk them at the table.

The OP has said that they are under the care of a consultant ,she has said this repeatedly but everyone seems to ignore this.Actually there are qute a few consultants this field which advise completely taking the pressure off a child and letting them eat whatever they want,even chocolate ,if that will help.

But actually what is important here is that she is following a professionals advice ,before reaching that point she was probably the end of her tether and what is the point of seeking advice if you don't then try to act on it.

I am amazed at how many posters here are clearly more versed in child psychology and eating disorders than a consultant specialist ,the OP is clearly very worried about her son otherwise she would not have sought advice now she is probably feeling completely undermined in what is a difficult scenario for her and her son,especially if she is indeed on her own.

For what it is worth my children do sit up at the table despite one having SN but on holiday we do relax the rules and allow a few treats on holiday and certainly if they were staying up late whilst the adults had a takeaway I would not expect them to sit up and make polite conversation.

ok have just come back and this thread has grown to ridiculous proportions! with people making all kinds of assumptions...SO I am going to explain the scenario with all the bits however irrelevant for one time and then I will not post on this again because I was only asking ONE question; whether it was reasonable for this man to pick my son up - Not whether or not my son should have been sitting at the table, should be or not be seeing a specialist, should or not been eating out or any of the other things discussed.

RIGHT...

1. I went on holiday this year with my youngest alone as my partner couldn't make it and stayed with our older child (just to answer the question of PFB!! etc).

2. We went with several families and each of us had our own flat. Before the holiday my Mum gave my son (5) a DVD player for the journey and to keep him occupied because although this was an active (skiing) holiday there were quite a few hours in the day that we weren't skiing and we were alone in the flat in the evenings.

Most evenings we met up with one or more familly for meals out or dinner at our flat or in a cafe. During those times my son did not have his DVD player.

3)My son when he was first born and up until he was about 2 and a half had a kind of reflux that meant he frequently vomitted. I saw a specialist with him and he said it was a kind of retch like when you don't like eating something, sometimes it because something was new, sometimes something he didn't like and sometimes something just went down the wrong way and some children carry on like this for many years.

But he thankfully mainly outgrew this. At 2ish he used to vomit maybe 3 times a week which to the specialist wasn't that bad but from this he developed a fear of many foods. I worked with the specialist for a period of months (at the Harley street allergy clinic - for those doubting that has anything other than fussiness) and the main thing he emphasised was to take the stress from mealtimes and new foods. Of course that can mean a few months (or years) of seeming anti-social in certain environments but this is to try to prevent a lifetime of food phobia developing.

The doctor emphasised that meals must be enjoyable, that food should never be forced, healthy eating - while of course desirable, is in the short term less important than developing an enjoyment of food. This food fear had arised out of his early frequent vomitting. The doctor encouraged me to give him the food he enjoys eating, to SLOWLY introduce new foods - over a period of months and to allow him to decide whether he is hungry or not. He also emphasised that he should sit at the table at home if possible with a family meal time environment but Never to force the issue.

4. On the holiday, on incident happened on one of the first nights where my son vomitted at a restaurant. I mentioned this ONLY because it was at this point that I explained to my friend and her husband how although distressing for everyone around us, this was not a symptom of him being ill or as concerning as it might be for other children. I was not worried about it, I knew he was completely fine and on the whole eating in restaurants is never a problem now.

5. I also mentioned an incident where my son was hurt in the playground, he fell to the ground and cut his head on ice requiring a couple of stitches. I mentioned this ONLY because I wanted to explain that this man does not seem like a gentle, concerned man like my partner is and did not help me or my son at the time. However, both point 4 and 5 are not relevant to the story but illustrate only that this man was aware of my son's food problems and had not shown much kindness.

6. On the last night - we all as a group were going out for dinner. However, the restaurants were booked up so we had to get takeaways. None of the flats were big enough for everyone so two families ate together and my friend suggested we ate our takeaway at their flat.

It was quite late at this point (probably about 7.30/8pm which for my son is late. Their daughter (3) is used to eating late as they both work and she is not yet at school and they eat together at around this time and she goes to bed at about 9.30pm. However, my son is used to 5.30/6pm suppers and 7.30 bedtimes. This was therefore late for him and he had eaten something earlier. I had been planning to take him to the restaurant where he is always well behaved but doesn't necessarily eat much and then bed by 8.30.

However, as the evening didn't go to plan we were at my friend's flat with a takeaway at about 8ish.

7. I picked up my son's DVD player on the way to their flat as I knew he wouldn't eat that late and decided not to make him sit at the table as he had eaten and this was essentially a meal for the adults. I thought it was more sociable for me to eat with them than alone and as we were leaving the following day we didn't have to be up early and could sleep in and he could therefore go to bed a bit later.

8. Their daughter had not eaten and was sitting at the table. I would have asked my son to come to the table BUT not insisted on it as he had eaten, and was chilling out after a fairly active day before bed. It was not a mealtime for him but one that he could have participated in if he had wanted to.

9. The food was frankfurters and chips - the takeaway had that or burgers. The only reason I mention this is because these are not foods my son has tried and is unlikely to try anything just put in front of him. (The method that has worked for him is a gradual introduction to new things, i.e. me eating something every day for a few days, then putting a little bit on a side plate for him, then picking it up...etc, etc).

Over a period of many months his eating problems have improved so much it is fantastic. I still have to remind myself to not stress about meals but he eats so much more and is beginning to show an actual real enjoyment of food, something I thought he would never have. To those of you who don't know what it is like to have a child who is frightened of food, it is such a relief when you realise that this (through the work with the specialist) is not going to last a lifetime as some children do.

10. For all the reasons above, I decided that it was not necessary to make him sit at the table but would be preferable for him to sit quietly watching his DVD with his headphones. Maybe that WAS the wrong thing to do in a social enviroment but I felt that given my friend and her husband knew about his food problems, that we were on holiday, he was tired, he had eaten, there was nothing he would want to eat - for all these reasons he didn't need to sit at the table to watch us eat.

11. the question...I wanted to know if you thought it reasonable that my friend's husband should pick him up and put him at the table?

To me that was not reasonable because to me that is what I would do if I thought it appropriate, not someone else and also what you might do to a much younger child - maybe a 2 or 3 year old. Maybe I'm in the minority here but I don't intervene with other people's children, other people's ways while they are they there. Of course, if I was minding someone else's child while they weren't there, in my own house, I would do things my way.

Finally, the reason I didn't put all these points down in the original post was because most of them I didn't feel were relevant to the question. Perhaps they are I don't know but it would have taken a very long time, like this post has done.

Three final points to address the questions that people have asked so hopefully this really will be my last post on the subject.

a) I mentioned HV not consultant initially because I didn't want the entire thread to turn into a discussion about food phobias which is what half of it has done

b) I don't like my friend's husband but only discovered this on the holiday. Prior to this I had thought him nice, although my partner had always been dubious.

c) I don't normally let my son watch a DVD instead of sitting at the table.

d) This holiday was a while ago as you may have gathered by the fact it was a skiing holiday. To answer the question as to whether there is a problem at school - no thank God there isn't. My son is in Year 1 and of course I have had to mention the vomitting and it has happened a couple of times, by and large his eating as a result of the work with the consultant has improved to the extent that many meals are now eaten with enthusiasm rather than fear.

e) As to why I have mentioned all this now...6 months later. It is because my friend has asked us if they can come and stay later in the year. My answer will of course be 'no', because he would be coming (her husband) and neither I nor my partner like him. (Although of course I can't say that!!!) But I mentioned it because I wanted to know whether or not it was a normal occurance to simply pick someone else's child up and plonk them at the table or whether I was being oversensitive.

f) I had no idea that to ask a question such as this I would have to write such a detailed explanation of every single point but I now realise that for some reason it is such an emotive issue with some of you that I did have to.

THERE...I really hope that is everything coverered!!

Just started reading the thread and I'm just going to ignore the food issues, dvd player etc since she only wanted to know whether or not it was unreasonable for her son to be picked up by a relative stranger.

I didn't like it when fil picked ds up by the reins so that he was dangling off the ground just because he wouldn't come over when fil had called him to. In fact I was really quite annoyed.

So to answer your original question, I can totally understand about you being upset that your ds was picked up in that manner by this acquaintance.

My 2p worth.

boogiewoogie - thankyou. I just hope all the people who asked so many irrelevant questions actually read it all because it took me ages to write

children need to learn to sit at the table and have manners. weather he eats or not surely this should be done whereever you are. i would never allow a child to sit at the table with a game, what about conversation? perhaps if you get him to use the table and get use to family/friends enjoying chatting and laughter around it he may even start to enjoy eating.

What bloomingfedup said.

You obviously know what you are doing regarding your son and his food issues. It also sounds like your friends were aware of his difficulties and anyone with an ounce of intelligence would have let you decide how to approach having him at the table.
I would have been really annoyed at him interfering like that, particularly as he has blatantly overuled your actions.
The main thing though is that you obviously felt upset by what he did and for that fact he was out of order. He's either stupid or controlling, just be grateful he's not your husband!

Sorry but food issues or not, if you take him he needs to sit at the table. Having a DVD player on is just rude IMO.
I have read the list on your other post btw and personally think that him not having to sit at the table, especially as a toddler when they are too 'busy' to sit has made eating together abnormal. Obviously any child will want to watch a DVD instead of sitting at the table!
He shouldn't have man handled your son, but it was bloody rude to not make him sit at the table at 5yo IMHO.

at 8pm when he had already eaten? surely not?

Why do you have a problem with another man picking your child up? If you were sharing a meal with them then surely he is not a stranger...!? What are you doing with people you don't trust?!

I am fairly tolerant, but would not put up with DVD, gameboy or any other such thing going on from a visitor. I have one friend who's children always bring their Nintendo DS, consequently they are never invited - it's just rude!

In my house, when we have visitors all T.V.s, videos and the such are turned off - unless the smaller children have reached boiling point and it is too wet to send them into the garden - and I would expect the same from my guests/hosts with their noisy distracting things, particularly through a meal.

OK, have read the latest posts and I will now remove my foot:

Your question was entirely subjective: You didn't like this particular chap - a chap you don't like - picking up your son - who has a particular issue around food - and setting him at the table.

This is a chap who makes you uneasy man-handling your son. Therefore, YANBU.

I read your first post as a chap picking up your PFB without permission and OMG etc. etc... In which case you would have been VU

please read one of my earlier post !!

1. your right to be pissed off i myself would tell my freinds OH exactly were to go whereever i would be but thats me 2 , can,t some bloody people real alice.s son has bloody food issues for god sake he,s 5 yrs old why do people think just because they make there kids sit at the table they the most fantastic parents in the world come on get real !!children are children not puppets !! my kids sit at the table most of the time but like said somtimes not "get the sitting at the table police " oh and my kds have good socail skills and very good manners to go with that !!! alice i,m happy you and your son are getting through his food issues i know what its like i,ve been there !! take care

slap my wrist 2, was can't people read !!

Why should a child sit at the dinner table if they are not hungry? I don't get that. I gather it is something to do with the totally arbitrary cultural rituals we call 'manners' - things we follow unthinkingly and slavishly that are required for membership of 'polite society'. IMO this is just not always enough to justify behaviour. Why on earth would I be offended if a child doesn't want to eat with me??? Boggles my mind really.

And I would be very annoyed if someone picked my dc up and plonked them at the table. I would say something - in fact I already have to most who know me - to the effect that i don't expect dcs to be kept at table.

I am totally appreciating your post Acinonyx. I abide by the sitting at the table rule for social conventions sake and to be considerate to others (when eating with others / have guests), but frankly, at my own house - I don't give a damn. My children get down when they have finished. I hate arbitrary pointless 'rules'

Why is it considerate to others to be at the table not eating?

Oh just that is seems to matter a great deal to some of my friends that these rules are observed, so I make an effort to accommodate when I am with them (but don't really see the point tbh)

I also have friends who are strict about this but I have a real bee in my bonnet about 'social conventions' and have made my views on this very clear. Anyone who doesn't like it needn't invite me (although as it happens dd always stays at table as she is glued to me generally). In return, I try not to undermine the position of other parents, as long as it doesn't mean I have to kowtow to the tribal dogma.

You are probably more reasonable! My poor dd - it isn't easy to inculcate your dc with social ettiquette when you abhor so much of it.

what i don't understand is if he can manage to sit at a table in a restuarant and at school why he would find it so stressful on holiday in the flat?