DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

Think this massively depends on what it is?

why is a secret?

Not going to say as anyone on here who knows me would know the situation.
But it’s something we use daily.

What was it?

Something about your post implies a fair few people would actually like said item 🤪

However if you're a tad ND and struggle with change in general and DH knows this, yanb(v, just maybe a tad)u

Depends on what it was. Was it something only you use? If he also uses it maybe he had issues with it but failed to mention it but thought he had. Yes he should have mentioned it but again really hard to comment/vote unless we know what it is.

It doesn’t actually matter what it is though, the question is ‘ do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn’t ask for?

Oven?
It's the only thing to be fitted by a professional and used daily that I can think of.

I wouldn't like eg my oven to be changed to a range style one unilaterally.

You don’t have to be grateful for anything, but sometimes communication is all about attitude. There is a way to bring things up without making others feel defensive or their hard work was all in vain.

YABU to refuse to say what it is.

Without knowing what it is its impossible yo say...

If he got rid of the bath and replaced with just a shower, yanbu

If he had upgraded a piece of furniture or an appliance for similar/like for like then I don't think its a big deal

I would make changes in the house without always consulting dh, for example, I bought a new shoe storage cabinet without mentioning it. I saw it, liked it, knew it would be handy so bought and assembled it

Yabu. Sounds like he was trying to do something nice.

Telly 📺 become a media wall?

Bath become a shower?

Lots of things in houses are used daily.

I thought shower?

It depends as said something only you use? Something that broke or has he been secretly planning it for a while? Was the installation booked it way before you went on holiday? Has that item ever been discussed as possibly wanting a new/better one.

The fact you have put the whole house when it could be just a shower. Makes me think he feels scared to have input into his own house so YABU. If it’s the whole flooring when there was nothing wrong then you aren’t YANBU. Again so hard without full disclosure of what it is.

Mine knows that it would not be a good idea if he did this. If I did not like it it would be removed.

It could be anything from a door to a TV.

I think 'trying to do something nice' only goes so far.

The missing bit is 'Persephone uses this daily, and it is expensive and hard to change maybe she'd like input'.

So kind hearted but thoughtless. OP shouldn't have to be grateful.

Without saying what it is it’s too hard to judge

Why will it break in a few years? Is it poor quality?

Or dishwasher?

No I don’t think you need to be grateful as such but I think this depends on how you approach changes in the house normally? Do you seek his opinions before making changes? Do you usually discuss purchases together

Do you actually dislike the ‘thing’, or is it just the surprise element that has pissed you off? If just the latter, perhaps speak to your OH about how it’s made you feel and that you would prefer upfront discussions.

Also, do you think he did it as a surprise because he thought it was a genuinely nice thing to do? Or was it because he thought you would say no if consulted?

I sympathise because I can sometimes struggle with change so do like to be kept informed ahead of time - however, I accept this sometimes has me coming across as a control freak. The funny thing is, I generally don’t care about the ‘change’, I just like to know.

Is it the actual item you are going to hate using, or is it the fact he did it without asking?

If it’s something you would have agreed to given the chance, move on. He was trying to do something useful but you likely won’t get that in the future now

If it’s awful and it will annoy you every time you use it/make life more difficult, then YANBU

It really does depend on what it is though! I think for you it’s massively about the principle, but until we know the item, we don’t know if we would find it unreasonable or not

Surely more than one person will have replaced one of these, it can’t be that outing..?

Is it a gold throne-like toilet?

Sorry OP but in this case I do think it depends what it is. Some things I'd be cross I didn't get the chance to weigh in on, because each model is a bit different and might mean it does its job differently (so cooker is an example of this). Other things aren't really like that, or i don't care as much, so a microwave or kettle... they do one task in pretty much one way, or a shelving unit or even a shower or whatever.

So sorry, it does depend what it is.

These threads are so frustrating.
of course it matters what it is.
i think ppl think things are more identifiable than they actually are.
A lot of ppl probably installed dishwashers last week.