DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

No one can answer this, it could be anything, so if you’re not willing to say it’s hard but you can say neither of you can do anything without the others input, sure,

I’m thinking it’s one of those posh taps that does everything. Quooker?

If it’s something you have never discussed and never expressed any interest in I would suspect he’d done it for his own benefit rather than as a surprise for me.

Was it expensive? Did he use his own or family money?

Is it a sex swing?

Oh, heck. We'd sort of talked about repainting the living room. DH went away for a few days, and got an update of the room pulled to pieces, and a tin of paint...

I know you aren't going to say, but itcrrally, really depends on whst thd item us, and who uses it the most.

Did he have any reason to believe you might have wanted it?

Presumably this came from a place of good intentions, even if they were misplaced.

I don’t think what it actually is matters at all. What matters is that he doesn’t know you well enough to realise that changing something which is embedded in daily living without planning it with you will upset you.

Don’t be angry but be firm - communicate that you realise he meant well but this isn’t the kind of surprise which you enjoy, so you’d rather he didn’t do anything like this again.

if he does it again, then it’s on him and you’d be quite entitled to be cross.

My DH has been known to change stuff around the house but usually pretty minor things

Nonetheless it annoys me that he doesn't consult me, he knows it annoys me and has got a bit better at discussing after I got pretty annoyed a few times.

His excuse has tended to be "but I thought you wanted..."

OP I absolutely get why you're annoyed. He's behaving as though its his house, and you just live there. It's infuriating.

No. You don’t have to be grateful at all.

It does matter what it is though for us to comment or vote.

Has he changed the toilet roll holder or towel rail or the sofa or oven? There’s a big difference. All are used daily

Don't start a thread and say 'I'm not telling FFS'. Of course it matters what it is, if it's the shower, he should have asked, if it's the washing machine, I wouldn't care.

Don't start a thread and say 'I'm not telling FFS'. Of course it matters what it is, if it's the shower, he should have asked, if it's the washing machine, I wouldn't care.

It’s not about the item though, it’s a question about having to be grateful or not.
The blurb seems to be muddying the waters.

OP, this is tedious. If you want opinions you have to say what it is. Who in real life will care that you’ve asked opinions on MN? If it’s your husband, then surely he knows that you want him to discuss it first?

Thank you for answering the question.

Well I'm always happy when my dh tends to do random things like this, doesn't need my input at all. I came back a few months ago to a new kitchen which I was impressed about and he has had the bathroom done another time I was away

Standard MN thread. OP wants opinions but won’t give relevant details

Honestly it would depend on the item.

If dh upgraded the oven or shower I’d love it.

If he had pool table style lights installed above my dining table I’d hate it.

The ones I’d love I’d have no problem being a surprise. The one I hate is be pissed off about.

It really depends. If I’d come home and a hot tap had been installed I’d be really happy.

If it was a storage solution which is really visible like a built in within the hall I’d be pissed off.

So yes, it depends.

Why did he change it? Can you tell us that without a big reveal? Has it made it easier or more diff to use?

WHAT? God, I would be extremely pissed off if my partner put in a new kitchen or bathroom without any input from me on style etc! That's a huge commitment and I'd want to choose all the elements together.

The answer to that is no, but we all want to know what he’s done!!!

You don't have to be grateful for it, but equally he's not unreasonable to change something in your joint house. It sounds like if he'd asked, you'd have said no, so why does your opinion outweigh his?

Is it something you use more than him, or he doesn't use at all? That's the only case where expecting him to do what you want is reasonable.

I would be annoyed if something was changed that I use daily eg the kettle and it was changed into a make or model I really disliked. So I understand your frustration. I have certain things that I care about eg I spent more on an airfryer because I wanted one that was not plasticky and could be put away easily. My DP, I know, wouldnt have cared less about these things so if he had bought one for me he wouldn't have bought the same one.
If it was fitted so I assume it was a fitted appliance. It sounds like it's just not the model or type you'd have wanted. Can you make the best of it? Of course you dont need to be grateful but you also dont need to be ungrateful. He presumably did it with good intentions and was not trying to piss you off. So can you acknowledge the effort without necessarily being pleased with the result

They could've come up with a solution they were both happy with, since they both live there.

I think YANBU. Presumably he's spent a decent amount of money on having a professional fit this thing?

Absolutely pointless thread.

it all depends what he's changed.