DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

”…in the way I wanted it”

Plenty of people answered the question, just not in the way you wanted.

It really is about the item because if there is nothing wrong with it, and it does what you need it to, then he has just as much right to change it as you do. If your only issue is that he didn’t ask then that’s rather controlling.

Impossible to say without context. How much did he spend, how pivotal it is to your life/the aesthetic of your home - did he change the front door without input or just upgrade the kettle?

You shouldn't have to be grateful for anything. So on the basis that this is the question you asked, no, you don't have to be grateful.

But that doesn't mean you aren't being controlling or ridiculous.

Op didn't stay for long 😏. Perhaps she wasn't keen on the new toothbrush holder 🤔

I thought maybe one of those wash/dry toilets.

Buy a small appliance like a milk frother, fine.
Buy a permanent piece of electrical goods or furniture without discussion, absolutely not.

Or playing on the sex swing 😉

Sounds like it's the toilet seat cover..

If it’s something like a front door you should both choose if you own the house jointly.

My husband built and installed a fitted wardrobe in our bedroom while I was away with work for two weeks- I was gutted. He is not a craftsman and hates diy- and we actually have less space than we did before which I have struggled to get over. I had been looking at fitted wardrobes for about 3 years and saving to have it done, which I completely appreciate is a vast sum of money to get the work done. The struggle to be grateful was a tough gig, and he was pretty pissed off that I wasn’t in raptures with the final product. I guess it was neither of our finest moments, but I appreciated the thought of not the result.

Yes, if he changed the washing machine/tumble dryer for a mangle, there's a problem. If he replaced a faulty kettle with one that worked, I'd be pleased.
Some people would be annoyed if their partner never took initiative and replaced things without being told, and some want them to do things without always making the woman bear the "mental load" and having to weigh in on everything.

Can’t answer. Depends what it is and how much it was changed. He’s entitled to a degree of control over his environment without having to have your go ahead. And vice versa for you.

Or a shower

Don't worry. Vibrators don't last long.

Hello OP, I don't think you have to be grateful. A different set of circumstances, but my parent constantly did things like this and I was always told to be 'more gracious'. One time he had a new hob fitted in my house ( had a key for emergencies). It's not ok, if you are not ok with it and enforced gratitude is a bitter pill to swallow. I was also given a microwave as a gift - this time I was asked about and requested. However, I also requested it to not be delivered to my then current address as I had to move, but it was delivered there (very hard for me to be home when the delivery slot was allocated... and so on...I felt anything but grateful or gracious!

But it does matter. If he bought a new kettle, tap or a door handle this wouldn't warrant being grateful. Just an acknowledgement that it's a new kettle, tap or door handle and business as usual. If he replaced your electric cooker with an Aga, that's quite a different matter.

And he lives there, too.

Yes, toilet seat covers do need a specialist fitter to install them 🙄

10/10 for the topical joke 👏👏👏

Me too. Far more useful. And fun.

I actually don’t think it matters what it is. I’m v particular about my home and would be really annoyed to find something I didn’t want or ask for in my house, especially if I was then expected to be grateful for it. It also comes down to that feeling of “do you not know me at all?” Which can sting a bit.

My DH loves a freebie and used to work in a cafe when we were renting our first teeny tiny flat together. This cafe was in a building packed with businesses and they’d often dump stuff they no longer wanted on him and he’d bring it home but we’d have no room for it. Anything from ugly giant vases I’d never choose, yoga mats, battered golf clubs (neither of us have ever golfed in our lives), mismatched crockery and other kitchen bits and bobs; all sorts of random clutter. I had to say “if you can’t think of a sensible home for an item, do not bring it into our flat unless you know for a fact I’ll like it.” He soon learned and did end up bringing me a really cute, 70s jug that I’ve still got (proudly displayed) in our current house but it took time for him to recognise that just bc something is free, doesn’t mean it’s always worth bringing home!

Home is a sanctuary for many of us. What we have in our homes is important, and having something you don’t like but have to express gratitude for can be really annoying and frustrating.

No you don't have to be grateful. You only have to be consistent. If you consult him on all changes then you're right to expect it from him. If you afford yourself the autonomy to make changes without consultation then the same standard should apply to him.

It’s not your house, it’s ‘our’ house.
as others have said, way to little info to properly reply.
what’s so hard about telling the whole story?

No, you don't have to be grateful for something you didn't want. My ex husband would occasionally do this. Paint a wall the wrong colour (which I lived with) or one time he bought a load of horrible plastic rocks with solar lights in and spread them all round the garden. Just no.

What a monster you are married to... Putting something in to his house that he paid for and lives in

Bidet is a no. Wouldn’t have to use it.

Japanese toilet!