DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

I think it does matter.

It would feel stifling if every time I bought something, no matter what it was for the house, I had to run it by dh, and same for dh.

Some things matter and have more impact in a home than others, and for me, that depends on level of involvement from each other.

We needed a new microwave, I saw one at a good price and bought it. It wouldn't occur to me to bother dh at work over changing the microwave, and I would be stumped if he had complained about this when he got home.

I’ve asked Google to identify an item that

1. is fitted by a professional
2. breaks after a few years
3. is used daily

the only thing it came up with is contact lenses. So, in answer to your question, yes that would be an unusual thing to do for someone else

Jesus christ

Good work 👍🏼. It would be unusual.

If someone says yes, you do have to be grateful will that satisfy you more than the person upthread who said you didn't?

Yes, of course he should have discussed any changes with you unless it was something that only he uses, on his own space and it doesn’t affect you at all.

We always discuss purchases large or small such as which kettle, toaster, washing machine, TV etc. before we purchase them because the other persons opinion counts even if they’re less knowledgeable about the item. Plus we view money as our money, although we have separate bank accounts for personal spending.

Valuing the other persons opinion is what being in a loving Partnership is all about.

Grateful, no.

Appreciative of the gesture, maybe, if it was well intentioned. But as it’s your home you should have an equal say about major changes.

She wouldn't use a hot water tap daily if she hated it.

it is presumably his house too, though. I get the irritation and feeling you are being steamrollered, but to my ears you sound a bit control freaky so yes it really really does come down to WHAT IT IS as to whether YABU/YANBU and your responses indicate you started the thread for affirmation.

You don't have to be grateful. Depending on what it is, moaning about it might be unreasonable. But if it was expensive and you're having to use it as much as him but don't like it - Moaning about it (and more to the point moaning about his arrogance in getting it done behind your back) is perfectly reasonable. Him expecting you to put up and shut up would be the unreasonable thing.

It does depend on what it was and when you're not going to say then that's harder to answer. I wouldn't mind particularly if we needed a new dishwasher and dh organised it while I was away - I don't have sentimental feelings towards any appliances though

If it's just about not being consulted then I get it, is it part of a pattern of not consulting you on changes that affect you both or a one off?

Toilet/shower/sink also fits the category.

If something is fitted, it should be discussed.

Yes but all of OP's friends went round at the weekend ( because it's "outing " to say exactly what has been changed ), so can't imagine all visitors getting a tour of the new bathroom..Unless it's some fancy- schmanzy new pooping place.

And an integrated fridge.

And a stair lift.

When we had a new kitchen put in the kitchen designer suggested a dishwasher , my husband wanted one and I didn’t - as I was a housewife at the time my wishes over ruled his as he wasn’t the one who ever washed up so wouldn’t actually be using it . Three years later I went away for the weekend and he had a dishwasher installed as a ‘surprise’ for me . We’ve had it 18 months - I’ve never used it and neither has he …. I wasn’t grateful and was rather annoyed as I lost a cupboard which was valuable storage space to accommodate an appliance he knew I never wanted and that he wouldn’t use …… I completely understand wheee your coming from .

It definitely matters what it is! Replacing the TV for a gigantic media wall so he can watch football is a lot different to installing a digital dishwasher because he thought it’d make household chores easier. It sounds like he was trying to suprise you and was hoping for a better reaction.

Yes. You do have to be grateful.

Unless you say what it is

It really depends what it is OP, or your answers on here will be irrelevant.
Eg. If you like baths, but he's had the bath taken out and replaced it with a shower, then YANBU.
If you have a personal aversion to using a dishwasher, or a tumble drier or something, and he's had one fitted anyway, then YABU.

It really depends. Nobody can say.

You don’t even say you dislike the mystery thing

Any idiot can fit a new sink and taps.

Did our bathroom one not long ago. Also didn’t ask dh if he liked the new taps 🤫😅

It adds to the mystery!

She’d have to if he had also binned the kettle 🤣

I think it really depends on what it is. If my husband had a new oven fitted then I would probably be grateful, but if he had installed a 70” tv on the wall, I would be livid 🤣. Whatever it was , I don’t think there should be an expectation that you’re grateful if youve not been involved in choosing the item.