DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

I’d be grateful if it was something that made my life more pleasant or easier or more convenient. Is that what he was aiming for? Or did he do it to piss you off? Hair dryer organiser? Fine. Carbon fibre shark in roof of house? Probably not so much.

In two minds about this.
DP has always said things along the lines of: "The house is your canvas, you're good at this stuff, go ahead and change things as you see fit." Yet he struggles massively with change and never has anything nice to say initially, even if consulted beforehand. He warms to the newness quickly, but it's the first catastrophising panicky response which now puts me off making any changes to our home -so I've 'quiet-quitted' home improvements.

DP has made some contributions which I struggle with daily, but just try to live with as I know that the rest of the house is pretty much all according to my 'vision'. A very eye-catching piece of visual art hangs on our livingroom wall. To me, it is hideous and as if from another planet in terms of the room's aesthetic. But he loves it and it has huge sentimental value to him, so it has pride of place. That's me trying to model tolerance.

I would be cross about this OP. I would expect DH to discuss it with me beforehand and I would be irritated that he expected me to be grateful.

I disagree.
It is something difficult to change that the OP uses daily. That's all we actually need to know.

She should have had an input, and should not have to be 'grateful' it was unilaterally changed.

Threads like this make me frustrated. Saying the item doesn't suddenly make you identifiable when the situation already has been described.

If my friend told me she'd gone away and her DH had changed their fridge and they were bickering about it, then I saw a thread on Mumsnet about the scenario but not saying fridge I could probably put 2 and 2 together.

You don't have to be grateful.

You can be thankful he's tried to tackle a problem. You can understand he thought he was doing something that you'd appreciate. You can be understanding that sometimes people get these things wrong.

(I also think your reaction massively depends on the item).

I think you're being very tolerant! ❤️

Need to know what the flipping heck you are on about..

The thing is @PersephoneParlormaid that without more info from you it's difficult to say. If DP had a massive telly and media wall installed in our living room without any consultation with me, I'd be livid. If he'd had a hot water tap installed in the kitchen I'd be annoyed because I think they're a waste of cupboard space and I'd be irritated. Different levels of annoyance depending on the thing! I would prefer to be consulted on both, but if mistakenly thought it would be a nice surprise I'd just let him know Id rather we agreed on any changes in future.

It’s clearly a sex dungeon.

In all seriousness it does depend on what it is.

YABU for not saying what it is. Illogical to think doing so could be ‘outing’!

Not enough info for me.

Does OP make changes or buy stuff for the house without consulting her DH first? I know in some instances (A) I do, but in others (B) I wouldn't.

If it falls into A then OP is being unreasonable.
If it falls into B then she isn't.

It really does matter what it is and whether it’s functional/aesthetic. Was the old one broken or did you not have one before so your husband thought it would be a nice surprise?

Just to throw it in there, my guess is a hot water tap.

Also depends do you ask him every time you change something?

My husband rarely has a strong opinion on things in the house. We discuss things but usually I get that “he is happy with whatever I think/choose”. When he does have a strong opinion on something I usually go with his choice. It’s as much his house as mine.

If I came home and he’d changed something as a surprise I would actually be grateful as he meant it as a nice thing. But we do have similar tastes. You don’t have to love what it is but he obviously did and thought about it a lot. Have you spoken to him about why he chose to change that particular thing? He must have thought you wanted it.

Quite. What the flipping heck are you talking about?

You don’t have to be grateful for anything!
Especially if you know. it’s going to ‘break’ in only a few yrs 😳.

No you don’t have to be grateful if you are unhappy with the outcome. I would be annoyed if dh changed our bed, bath, vacuum cleaner, my vanity, chairs, kettle, toaster, TV, radio without consulting.
Dh sometimes rearranges the kitchen while I am out and that winds me up partly because I have things where I want them and partly because there are so many jobs that need doing so why is he wasting his time!

If I was truly annoyed at what dh had changed and it affected me more than himie something I predominantly use. I would sell it and buy what I wanted.

I’d be grateful if dh noticed something needed doing, quietly took on the task, all the mental load of choosing and booking a professional, choosing and buying the object and just getting it all done. I’m burnt out on decision fatigue and I don’t want to look at dozens of slightly different baths/showers/ovens, or whatever.

I’d probably have been crying with gratitude. But that’s why.

You don’t feel like that. Why? Is there a history of control - from him, or do you need to feel in control. Is change hard? Do surprises unsettle you? You can be grateful for the effort and energy (that doesn’t happen on a whim) and frustrated by the lack of consultation.

You can’t feel what you can’t feel, but in relationships it’s important to show gratitude because when someone tries to do something nice, and gets burnt, it’s the whole impulse that gets squashed, not just the specific detail. You can acknowledge and be grateful for the attempt to do a nice thing, and still communicate the problem.

No you don't have to be grateful, but you also don't have to be stroppy about it. It's done now, so get on with it.

Kitchen counter top? At least it’s not a mad DIY project. My dad always wrecks something, that was perfectly fine as is, when my mum goes away. Just out of sheer boredom!

Is it one of those horrendous massive grey kitchen islands?
A fitted cupboard in the bedroom?
A shelf in the bedroom for knick knacks?
A wall mounted toilet brush?
A mural featuring Andy Burnham and the Chuckle Brothers?

What did he say when you reacted to it?

In two minds.

I tend to do things without consulting do because if I go to do and say
"I'd like to change X. I've found someonecwho xan do this for £y"

What will actually happen is dh will want to research it thoroughly. So we'll either have 6 months of him checking every aspect, then deciding he can do part/all to save money. Which in real terms means another 6-18 months of me saying "please can you get on with it"
Or he says the first quote is too much, can I get more quotes in, so I have the hassle of arranging quotes which either mean evenings of taking time off work, only to find that ( as I knew) the first quote is the best/ comparable to the rest.

So I tend to just do it now, the doesn't notice after the first couple of weeks anyway.

No matter what it is, if it's something you use daily, no you don't have to be grateful it was changed without your input.

Even if you were aware the oven (say) needed replacing, you might have been thinking gee i really want one with an auto-clean next time, or i really want one where the timer makes a less irritating noise...etc.

Now you're stuck with whatever features your dh thought were important for the foreseeable future.

If it’s been fitted by a professional (so must have been planned as getting a professional around on a weekend is unusual without planning), and it’s fully functional because you use it everyday.

I don’t see the problem.

If I thought it was in the wrong place I might gently point out where I had envisioned it had gone for future reference with H that installing something professionally and permanently usually two minds are better than one (to thrash out all eventualities and pitfalls) but on the whole I wouldn’t let it become a big, resentful thing in our marriage.

Whatever it is, it’s in, it works, job done.