DH changing the house without my input

[PersephoneParlormaid]

I went away for the weekend and as a ‘surprise’ DH changed something in the house, it’s been fitted by a professional so not easily changed, and I have no choice but to use it daily until it breaks several years from now. DH said he did it to be nice. I said that I don’t like him changing things without some input from me as it’s my house too. He said I’m ungrateful.
Do I have to be grateful for things I don’t want/didn't ask for?

If only

I don't know why people start threads if giving any details will be 'outing'

I'm betting it's the cooker. And he doesn't even cook.

I would hate not having an input into something for the house. But then I don’t like surprise presents in general. If money is being spent, I don’t want it wasted on something I don’t like and I don’t want to use something I don’t like.

It’s not about permission. It’s about discussion!! We discuss things and decide together. I can imagine what he’d say if he came back from a weekend away and found I’d changed the car.

It's usually cycling or the fact they are a couple with children.

OP sounds generally difficult and doesn’t like to not be in control. Hence refusal to engage with any answer except the one that said they didn’t have to be grateful.

No, OP, you don’t have to be grateful. But to me it Sounds like DH put in a lot of effort to replace something that was due an upgrade and hoped that their efforts would be appreciated

Alternatively perhaps they did it when you weren’t around because they knew they would meet with resistance from you. Because you do come across as a little difficult.

I think its weird that your partner has to run everything by you to add something to also his home that he wants and likes and possibly uses. Would you have said no if he run it by you. In my opinion its better to ask for forgiveness then for permission which honestly why does a grown man have to ask for permission to add to his home? A conversation i suppose could have been had but does he also own the home, does he help run the home? Pay the bills?

It's like getting you a vacuum for your birthday. In the film, the Father of the Bride, the wedding is called off because he bought her a blender, it needed intervention for it to be back on. No gratitude needed. For something that can't be returned, it should be a joint agreement. There was nothing nice about it.

I can't stand posts like this. YABU

Communication would have been nice especially as you both own the house.

My ex partner lived with me in my house and one day when I came home from work he proudly showed me the kitchen roll holder he'd found in a charity shop. He'd screwed the bloody thing onto my kitchen cupboard door!!! I either said something or my face told what I wanted to say but as usual he stormed off calling me an ungrateful cunt. I don't know why I put up with that railroading and abuse in my own home for so long but he's gone now and I've taken that thing off my damaged cupboard door.

Oh my god! Less the kitchen roll holder, more the abusive bully.
I'm glad both he and the holder are long gone.

I research any new purchase to death before buying, so I'd be extremely unhappy at this. But then my late DH knew that about me so he wouldn't have dared!

No, but it is all about content. If he truly meant it as a nice surprise then he's just been a dafty but a nice man, perhaps just accept it and let it slide. If he did it secretly because he pretty much knew you didn't want it then no, be peed off!

Men just really can’t win can they? I understand your viewpoint OP, but if it were me, I wouldn’t have expressed dissatisfaction at his effort to surprise and delight you. I bet he’s feeling really deflated at the moment.

1- if it’s something you’re both using on a daily basis and not easily replaceable//changed, then yes id expect a discussion before hand.
Like, you’re changing the cooker, I think all the people who you’re going to use it all the time need to be involved in the decision making - what type of cooker, what feature etc….
2- no one should just be grateful. You can appreciate the effort put into organising the delivery/set up/whatever work was needed. You can appreciate the thought that went into it. You dint have to be grateful that you now to live with something you don’t like or is totally impractical to you. From painting a room that’s now an eyesore to an appliance that isn’t practical.

It’s not a problem of ‘men can’t win’, oh poor little one…
Im wondering at which point you’d tell your dh that whatever he did was impractical/not what you wanted/ugly?

I dint think the OP has an issue with the effort that went into it.
She is annoyed she’ll now have to live with something that isn’t meeting her needs/is an hindrance because her dh thought ‘it’s the thought that counts’ with little thought about the practicality or whether the OP would actually enjoy it.

Theres something there about not assuming you know better than your partner and can do without their input on things that are expensive or permanent in a house where you both live.

Haven't RTFT, but I wouldn't want DH making changes to the house without discussing with me. Even if it's something that clearly needs changing (eg new washbasin because the current one has a big crack in it) I can see you'd want to have input on which design you choose as a replacement.

Why on earth don't you use it? I hate it when our dishwasher is out of action and I have to wash everything by hand.

Fitted a new shower?

New coffee machine?

Gazebo in the garden to BBQ under?

Painted the kitchen cupboards?

Swapped the bath for a miniature version that would only fit a child?

Made the stair carpet pink instead of grey?

If theres no details how the fuck we supposed to know?

I can't think of one thing that would change my life if my house changed enough that I needed to be angry about it, if theres no context surely you don't need replies.

Joker

I’m going for him ripping out the bath and replacing with a walk in shower, though that should last more than a couple of years?

I think you're being deliberately obtuse regarding many answers. (Also, I appreciate the need for privacy, but you're asking a simple question. No one cares enough to search what else you've posted about to try to identify you.) You don't HAVE to be grateful about anything. But you're being ungrateful if, for example, he saw something broken or damaged that bugged you both and either replaced it or got it fixed. If it's not to your taste, just say, next time, let's talk about what needs doing together, as I like to be involved. If it will bug you until the day you die, say you really appreciate the effort he's gone to, but it really bugs you in its current state, and you'd like to replace it. Life doesn't have to be this hard. Have a conversation about deciding things together next time.

YANBU. I’d be livid, especially for the doubling down and calling you ungrateful.

How much did it cost? Hundreds? Thousands? Was it from joint money or his own savings?

Household decor/items should be discussed and decided together. Even if someone you live with springs a ‘surprise’ that you love (and insists on paying for it all), it’s understandable to still be annoyed because of that principle. What if you didn’t love it? It may seem well meaning but is actually quite disrespectful. Even if it’s something you said you’d love 5 years ago, people’s tastes and preferences change.

Maybe live with it for a bit and see if you really can’t bear it. Sometimes, the shock, and the fact it’s not what you’d have chosen, makes it seem unbearable. But then you get used to it and can see the attraction.

If, after a few months, you really can’t live with it, set a target date (i.e. for saving the money) for it being changed.

This is an online trend, men and women change something drastic in the house while their spouse is away then do a big 'reveal' on their return. Perhaps he doesn't realize these are all fake and genuinely thought it would be appreciated! To be fair if it was some DIY that we've been procrastinating about I would be glad it's done with little hassle to me. If it's something functional or aesthetic I had my own thoughts about then I wouldn't be happy to have had no input

I’d be livid.