How do I extricate myself from family childcare?

[fernandesricksmyworld]

I’m in my twenties and have been giving free childcare for my siblings for the last ten years. It has been expected I will be free pretty much every time they ask.

I don’t want to do it anymore. It’s uncomfortable for various reasons, it takes a lot out of me, and I don’t enjoy it anymore. I don’t feel they appreciate it. I’m expected to supply my own dinner, and transport. They won’t turn the heating on in the house if I’m here so it’s freezing come winter, and at Christmas/on my birthday I get a small token gift (under a fiver, and never usually what I like). If my services are worth less than a tenner a year to them I don’t want to do it anymore.

The issue is if I start saying no to everything both siblings will be so angry with me. I can potentially stretch the “sorry I have plans” a few times but I don’t know what to say long term. I would be happy to do it a few times a year, but not as frequently as I have been (3 times a month).

How do I do this without making it awkward?

“Sorry, I’m busy” should cut it.

It should, but knowing my family it won’t.

Just say no. They do not care about your feelings, or plans or time.
A breezy Can’t this time and no elaboration.

You say: Sorry, I'm not able to babysit more than once every couple of months because I have other things on.
If you feel awkward, consider whether you should be feeling awkward or them, for taking the piss for a decade. As family I wouldn't expect to be paid for babysitting even with gifts, but I do expect a warm comfortable house with dinner and drinks provided, and fulsome thanks.

Literally just say "sorry I can't this time, probably not for awhile actually". If they probe then just say "it doesn't really suit me anymore"

So what if they're annoyed.. they're treating you like crap anyway

How on earth did this start?! Ten years of providing a service for ungrateful siblings??

I would just say, ‘no, I don’t want to do it any more-you’ll have to find someone else’. If that gets awkward, then that’s on them.

If you don't enjoy it any more just say 'sorry, my circumstances have changes and I don't think I can do this anymore.' If you want you could add in a 'I'd be up for doing it on occasion if I'm available, but I'd need to charge the going babysitting rate and would expect the heating to be on!'

Why would your siblings be angry with you? And why is that a problem? You're not responsible for their feelings. It's ok for other people to feel angry.

I’d message them in advance of any requests, just say “Just letting you know I’m taking on some more responsibilities at work, realistically I won’t be able to help out with childcare anymore so wanted to give you some warning, see you soon, lots of love etc” and then don’t agree to anything in future.

If they ask for details you can say you’re doing longer hours and your work is more intense, obviously at your age it’s important that you grow your career and invest in your development, and unfortunately this means you can’t babysit anymore.

But then don’t get drawn into discussions or justifications, just keep repeating your position. “No, like I said, I’ve taken on more responsibility with work, I can’t babysit anymore”. And never apologise! If they’re complaining, just say you’ve helped out as much as you could in the past, it’s not possible now.

It will take them a while to get used to it, but they will eventually.

What’s wrong with them being angry? Let them be angry. There’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s things like tonight, the weather is disgusting and to be honest dangerous to drive in. They still expected me to come out.

The fact that 22% voted YABU just goes to show how entitled some mothers are and how little they value the choices of child free women.

Hope you said no? It will be good practice. Of course you can't travel in this.

This was me and trust me the favour isn't returned when it comes to you having kids. I think you need to say I just wanted to give you warning that I won't be as available for childcare going forward to give you chance to sort out alternative childcare

Say you are busy, and actually be busy. Make arrangements with friends, join clubs, book tickets. Then when they ask, say, let me check my diary, no sorry I am busy. It might feel awkward to begin with, but you will soon gain confidence.

I’m here sadly. Dreading driving home but at least the rain is meant to have stopped by midnight

And have you?

“I don’t want to “ should cover it, no?

Simply say you don't want to do it anymore and are fed up of being at their beck and call for childcare needs. If it pisses them off and makes them angry - all the better as they're less likely to be CF and keep asking.

Please make it the last time you babysit unwillingly, OP. It doesn't have to be never again, but only when it suits you, or perhaps when they have something special on and a paid babysitter has let them down, or in some kind of emergency. Not as a regular thing.

Then at least make sure you put the heating on while you’re there!

Neither set of siblings has ever paid for a babysitter!

Then really, you've only got yourself to blame. This isn't a them problem. You need to stand up for yourself or accept people will walk all over you.

Good luck with finding that strength.

I don’t think you can do it without someone feeling awkward. But the trick is to make sure that you’re not the one feeling awkward. Like a previous poster said “I don’t want to” and then a pause, should do the trick.

Be busy and unreliable. Or start charging ££ and requiring lifts. Or just say no and get used to them being miffed. They don’t mind you being miffed so don’t feel guilty!

I honestly think you should tell them that while you love your dn you are finding the babysitting is too frequent and that from now on you would prefer to keep it to once a month / alternative frequency that you think is appropriate. Be specific.